A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his student might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".
That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"
BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
'SUPPLIES!!! !'
What stays in bed most of the day and sometimes go to the bank?
A stream.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
If they drop them, they break.
Why has no one ever spotted a leopard in Africa?
Because leopards are already born with spots.
Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
Quit imagining!
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Dinosaurs laid eggs long before there were chickens.
While on my way to St. Ives
I saw a man with 7 wives
Each wife had 7 sacks
Each sack had 7 cats
Each cat had 7 kittens
Kitten, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St. Ives?
Just one, me.
The maker doesn't want it.
The buyer doesn't use it.
And the user doesn't see it.
What is it?
A coffin.
Four men sat down to play,
They played all night 'till break of day,
They played for gold and not for fun
With separate scores for everyone.
When they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you the pardox explain,
If no one lost, how could all gain?
They were not playing against each other.
In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back.
What is it?
A bullet in a revolver
What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you?
Pride
What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing?
Literally, the word NOTHING
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Beacause they have scales!
What kind of nut has no shell?
A doughnut.
When young, I am sweet in the sun.
When middle-aged, I make you gay.
When old, I am valued more than ever. What am I?
Wine
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?
A secret.
The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?
Darkness
What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it?
You can't buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library.
A telephone book.
What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets?
A chalkboard
What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years?
The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won't happen again until 6009!
What has no beginning, end, or middle?
A doughnut.
What has to be broken before it can be used?
An egg.
What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose?
Work - Employment
How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?
Only one, the last one.
What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else?
Your mind.
Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it?
A kitchen strainer.
What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To cover cows.
What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts?
Rhubarb.
What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
Stockings
What is the moon worth?
$1, because it has 4 quarters.
What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
A candle.
What stays where it is when it goes off?
An alarm clock
You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, 'til you call me again. What am I?
An echo
There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who's in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my fathers son. Who's in the coffin?
His son
There are 2 guards. One tells the truth and one lies. There are also 2 doors. One leads to Heaven and the other leads to the devils playground. One guard is in front of each door. You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask the same question to both guards. What you are trying to find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads to the devil's playground.
Ask each one "What will the other one say is the door to heaven?" They should answer the same. Go in the opposite door they say.
Two boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12 rounds but ends after 6 rounds, after one boxer knocks out the other boxer. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible?
They were women boxing.
A farmer had seventeen sheep, all but nine died, how many did he have left?
9
A man builds a house with all 4 sides facing south. A bear walks past the house. What color is the bear?
Probably a white Polar Bear in the North Pole.
A skin have I, more eyes than one. I can be very nice when I am done. What am I?
A potato
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Mt.Everest
Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?
No, he's dead
Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
She lived in the southern hemisphere.
He has married many women, but has never been married. Who is he?
A preacher.
How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didnt make the ark, Noah did.
How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
Once, because after you subtract it's not 25 anymore.
How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?
There is no dirt in a hole.
I know a word of letters three, add two and fewer there will be.
Few
If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
9
If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
The match
If you were standing directly on Antarcticas South Pole facing north, which direction would you travel if you took one step backward?
North
Itsy Bitsy
The itsy bitsy spider went up the birthday cake.
Itsy quickly learned that he'd made a big mistake.
He climbed up a candle before the cake was cut
And itsy bitsy spider, he burned his little butt!
Hitting
Use a log to hit a hog.
Use a twig to hit a pig
Use a rake to hit a snake.
Use a swatter to hit an otter.
Use a ski to hit a bee.
And use a feather when you hit me.
The Lost Cat
We can't find the cat,
We don't know where she's at,
Oh, where did she go?
Does anyone know?
Let's ask this walking hat.
Examination
I went to the doctor -
He reached down my throat,
He pulled out a shoe,
And a little toy boat,
He pulled out a skate
And a bicycle seat,
And he said, "Be more careful
About what you eat."
Old Mother Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so is her daughter, I guess.
Jack Horner
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Watching the girls go by,
Along came a beauty,
He said, Hello Cutie!
And that's how he got his black eye.
Bugs
I am very fond of bugs
I kiss them
And I give them hugs
Row Your Boat
Row row row your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Until you hit the water fall
And then you start to scream.
Hickery Dickery Dock
Hickery dickery dock
A goat just ate my sock
Then my shirt for his desert
Hickery dickery dock
Apple Sauce
An Apple sat on a railroad track...
Feeling blue and cross...
Around the bend came number 10...
Toot Toot...
Apple Sauce
Shaving
Barber shave
Customer sneeze
Customer dead
Next Please!
Woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get the pig?"
Woman says, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"
Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"
man in pet shop : i would like to buy a wasp? pet shop owner : sorry, we dont sell wasps. man in pet shop : really, i would like to buy a wasp? pet shop owner : as i said sir, sorry but we dont sell wasps. man in pet shop : well, there's one in the window!
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Be nice to your kids: they’ll choose your nursing home.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.
Bombs don’t kill people, explosions kill people.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
“If the shoe fits, buy it.” – Imelda Marcos
As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
Thats all folks, hope you day has started with tears of joy and laughter and your tea and coffee stayed in the cup
Have a great Saturday
Breath Easy my friends
Berwick xxx
Neighbours Scented products.
There's a moose loose about the hoose
Any carers out there? Feeling overwhelmed.
Severe Scarring From Pneumonia
