Cardiac blues

[Preg1967]

12 weeks ago RCA heart attack I am angry all the time taking it out on my lovely wife who saw me having heart attack we seem to be in a rut of arguing every other day or so we know this isn't the best thing to but that's where we are we have phone calls booked with Doctor so hope they can point us in right direction we are both so angry

[Shar28]

Hello, it’s all such a shock and traumatic situation to go through and be in. It takes time for things to settle, not just in terms of your actual cardiac condition but mentally and emotionally too. And not just for you as a patient but for your wife and loved ones too. It’s different for each person involved. But things do settle, it does become easier to cope. And you don’t have to do it by yourselves.

Your GP should be able to direct you to some support and the people on this forum.

The BHF nurses provide a great listening ear in addition to their brilliant knowledge base and can offer suggestions about the way forward. Their number is 0808 802 1234, weekdays 9am to 5pm.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

[Preg1967 in reply to Shar28]

Thank you so much it's frustrating having no one to talk to heart attack was the easy bit no one told me brain will be rewired and be like this haven't found an groupe chat face to face meeting seemed like we were on our own thank you

[Blearyeyed]

Decide to sit down quietly at a time the suits you both and talk kindly, positively but most importantly honestly with each other.One question that you could both be hiding with your anger which you could ask is

I think I might be angry and snappy because the heart attack scared me , were you scared too?

Because that's the truth of it really, we often snap and get angry because we are still scared by the thing that happened.

If either of you begin to feel anger , take a deep breath , count to ten in your head , decide if you could say things in a better way , or if angry words need to be said at all.

Oddly, one reason you and your wife could be reacting angrily to one another is guilt.

You feel guilty for worrying your wife , and then blame her in your head for feeling angry when you know it wasn't anything you could control.

She will be snappy because she feels guilty that she couldn't stop you having the pain, and it makes her angry that she feels like that.

And of course , if you are being angry towards her, she will snap back then feel bad for snapping , and on , and on ......

Getting to understand your emotions about a big health event is hard , most of your negative behaviour comes from hiding how vulnerable you feel , from fear , worry for the future and a loss of control and confidence.

If you aren't a person used to talking about your emotions or feelings vulnerable you will often turn that around negatively and act with anger.

The trouble is all that negative energy is a type of Stress that won't help you recover and it could pull you apart.

I'm sure you love your wife and she loves you , it's that , that causes you both the most worry and makes you snappy.

The only way to pass this is to start being honest with yourself and honest with each other about the real feelings and normal mental health response you are having to the heart attack, either by talking calmly together and deciding to do some activities together that you enjoy to remind you both that you can still have fun, or, if you find that hard deciding together if you might want a little talking therapy.

You can go to a normal Counsellor, but you could ask the GP to refer you and your wife for counselling with a Post Coronary Therapist, many Cardiology Departments have therapists available to help you and your family come to terms with heart events, your cardiac unit might also be able to organise that for you.

Whatever you do , do find a way to pull back from anger and try to find a way to relax and be positive , because that is important to reduce your risk of poor health in the future.

I hope you both find some peace soon , Bee

[Preg1967 in reply to Blearyeyed]

Xxxx❤️ thank you so much for your wise words of comfort we want us 40 years is to important we know we need help so thank you for your suggestions about who to see ❤️

[RmBill3006]

Went through exactly the same. I'm 42 and had silent heart attack 16 weeks ago. Was misdiagnosed 2 times before a final 3rd visit I had a stent fitted. The arguments with the wife for the first 12 weeks were so bad. I was angry at everyone and anything. I needed someone to blame. The why me entered my head everyday. I blamed financial stresses which I believed was because of my wife. The mortgage, the bills, holidays etc. I held her responsible because these were all the things she wanted. It got so bad at times I drove off in my car and almost never came back. It eventually got better and speaking with a Councillor through action heart made a massive difference. I realised I was angry at the situation not my wife. Its still raw now but think of the positives in your life. I have my wife and my children. I also realised sometimes I need to put myself first and to let other people put me first. Stay positive and talk it out. There were things from my childhood upto my current age which I was angry about and now it's being dealt with because I understand. I wish you all the health in the world and my advice is open up more

[Ewloe]

about 6 months after my heart attack I went for counselling. I went private as the NHS was shocking in regards to providing any counselling. Finding a counsellor who you can relate to is key. Mine would have seen both myself and my husband at the same time if needed but it wasn’t. Good luck.

[JH6419]

I know it is an incredibly stressful thing thing you have both gone through. You have to also go through all the emotions that you are going through but you are still here and that is what really counts. I had a heart attack when I was 34 and have heart issues since then including a cardiac arrest in August of last year. I am now 60. I feel incredibly lucky still to be here and to be able to enjoy my loved ones - I wake up everyday grateful and looking forward to each day. Initially I was like you, angry at the world and with everyone around me. I have mellowed over time and am peace with my heart, although it is far from perfect, it does the job for me and I am in the best hands I can be. Counselling would be a very positive step and help you and your wife to come to terms where you are right now, and to accept it and to move on. It won't be easy but with each others love you can definitely do it. Take good care of yourselves and the best of luck. Posting on this site is a very positive step - it really is a great community!

[readyabout]

I think you may need something a bit different, and I am thinking here about Complementary Medicine/Practioners. A good standby for me is Dr Bach's Rescue Remedy, ( a flower essence available in most health stores like Holland and Barrett, or on line like Baldwins, Crystal Herbs and so on). Very effective, and a number of remedies which you could 'tailor' to your requirement. Try also Reiki treatments, I have one a month. Try meditation, I do this for a short while daily. Earlier advice on discussion is good, all about communication. Try to relax, deep breathing, quite places, outdoors, 'shoulders down'. Best Wishes

[Stentsandrun in reply to readyabout]

Really???

[readyabout in reply to Stentsandrun]

Absolutely - 'there are more things on heaven and earth .....' keep your mind open to all these things!

[MikeThePike]

I am sorry about your heart attack but these things happen. No point taking it out on others and making them angry. That is simply not right or fair.

[Preg1967 in reply to MikeThePike]

I know that's why I asked and getting the help I need and to see if it is not just me with emotion running wild and yes had full on heart attack the worst and most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and for my wife watching as ambulance crew was saving my life in the golden hour it's a life changing experience to the pair uf us

[Preg1967 in reply to MikeThePike]

In response