I’m watching Fergal Keane on the TV, talking about his career as a journalist which has lead to him having PTSD.
I’m approaching this concept from my point of view. I don’t claim to have a deathwish but I refuse to be cowed by the fear of my heart going pop on me again.
I have faith in my box in my chest. It’s worked 3 times since it was put in. I’m very grateful to my consultant for putting it in. I’ve no doubt the box will save me again. Then the battery will be changed.
Yet I still go about my daily life & exercise as often as I can. I don’t aim for faster times of walking, cycling, & swimming. It just happens. Sometimes.
Logically as I exercise my musculature develops again.
I find it’s other people who’re more concerned about my health than I am.
I laugh my health concerns off now, I drink more alcohol than before. Rum now. Wine usually. I smoke the odd cigar, 1 a month I suppose.
The cigars are a case in point as the warning label says my health will improve by quitting. I figure it won’t.
Have I got PTSD? I don’t suffer any nightmares as I wasn’t awake for 2 of my cardiac events, but I still swim & ride my bike (what I was doing for 2 of my 4 events). I don’t twitch but I do go back to the article concerning my swimming CA.
I’ve been dry tonight & yesterday.
I own several No Fear T-shirts & I’m not afraid of dying anymore.
Part of me would welcome the release. I know life is ultimately pointless & in around 5 billion years this planet won’t exist.
Yet this evening grump (depression?), which happens fairly frequently, is always gone by the morning.
I welcome your thoughts?
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BenThom-Wood
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As someone that’s suffered from PTSD as well as other mental health issues like depression and anxiety, this sounds more like burgeoning depression, or a case of what I personally call the ‘f**k its’. I could take care of myself a bit better. I could not smoke this cigar. Ah, F it, we’re all going to die anyway, so why not? It’s borderline apathetic, more numb for me than anything, but from what I understand, neither depression nor the F its are something uncommon in people that have experienced sudden, major health events, even if they can’t recall the event itself. There’s a period of processing required, particularly if it’s resulted in changes to the way you live, and certainly from family experience and what I see on here with heart attacks, mood disturbances afterwards are very common. By comparison, with PTSD, there’s usually some element of reliving the events - so, unwanted memories, flashbacks, nightmares etc. - and avoiding situations, people, or places that trigger memories associated with what happened. When exposed to things that trigger memories associated with a traumatic event, people with PTSD will usually experience distressing emotional and/or physical responses, hence the need to try and avoid them in the first place. Even tiny sense memories can trigger these responses: a certain sound, a phrase, even a scent. Sometimes the triggers are so small and specific that they can go unidentified by many sufferers. In my own case, it took me two years and a lot of therapy to pinpoint that the scent of lavender was responsible for triggering a number of panic attacks.
Regardless of what it is, it does sound like you could do with a bit of support with your emotional well-being. There are some definite warning signs in your post that would encourage me to encourage you to speak to someone: again, from personal experience, it’s easier to deal with these things before it takes too firm a hold than wait and find yourself in the grips of major depression and dysfunction. Your box in your chest is taking care of that part of things, but that’s not going to matter if you’re not taking appropriate care of the rest.
Thanks Hidden , I appreciate the F.Its classification. You could be right but unpacking my head isn’t going to happen anytime soon. I don’t know enough of how I feel or whom to speak with to seek help. I think I’ve switched off to some degree as the people I do speak with about it suck their teeth & wish me well. I’ve kind of fallen off the scale, been into hospital too many times for the comfort of the NHS.
I hear you. Truly, I do. Whilst I’ve been well again for a long time now (touch wood), I found that when I’m in my head like this, staying in my head is actually the worst place for me to be, and sometimes the only way to unpack it and understand how you feel is to talk to someone. But it has to be the ‘right’ person: friends and family mean well, but often don’t have a frame of reference for what someone is going through, or they want to ‘fix’ everything. They don’t know what to say, so often say nothing, or can get frustrated with something that can look so easy from the outside: well, just don’t drink as often. Make different choices to look after yourself. Simple, right?
As much as they might want to help us, we wouldn’t go to a mate that’s a plumber in the hope of getting advice on getting the electrics at home fixed, and finding support for mental health is no different. Even when we may feel like there’s no point, my experience is that the fact that we’re seeking people to talk to about it suggests that deep down we do want to change how we’re feeling. Just posting here tells me that you’re not comfortable right now, and that’s an important step in the right direction. In terms of where to go, there are lots of options that are not the GP, although I would always advocate them as an option. In many parts of England, you can self refer for counselling. There are also more anonymous options like helplines run by MIND, CALM, or even the Samaritans, some of which can be done by txt or email rather than a phone call: I’ve repeatedly found having a safe space to offload without judgement or fear of upsetting or worrying someone else can be really helpful. Based on an assumption solely off your username, there’s also increasing numbers of men’s groups popping up both in person and online. Apologies if that’s wrong.
Whether to someone else or on here, keep talking. Please. For whatever it’s worth, from the bottom of my typical, blokey heart, you are not alone.
Charlie’s reply is a good one. But I am still left slightly puzzled about what you really want from us forum members? A bit of me thinks maybe it was enough to get it all out, and written down. But if you think there is a better way to live out your life, then Charlie’s words about therapy may resonate with you.
I’m puzzled too Kristin1812 , I feel a whole lot better this morning & maybe I think I just wanted to feel I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I was yesterday. Venting it helped, sort of like telling Wally in Walkabout Creek.
Hi Ben,I know exactly how you feel. I have seen the same program last night and thought exactly the same. I had a CABGx4 in the middle of the Covid period, did not receive any rehabilitation and contact with doctors and nurses was patchy. I was left to my own devices as many of us during that period. Like you I go up and down, sometimes unsure about what is going on within my body, at other times ignoring it. I have found that talking on this website really helps me, just to express what is going on my life to people who have gone through a similar event. Is it PSTD? I don't know. Everyone is different and how we go about it is very individual. It would be good to have a group to visit that you can speak to once in a while to get the feeling that you are not alone. That last sentence in the program: We are not alone, there are lots of people out there with similar experiences and feelings..... It's a question of finding them.
Like Kristin says: 'Keep writing' and talking to the 'right' people.
Dear BenThom-Wood
You are ok, you are just {sorry to say} human doing human things and feeling human feelings and thoughts and I for one are very pleased that your around to do them.
As for life? Quality over quantity any day. {dance till you die}
Sorry that you feel that people need to be put you into a box and categorise you, sometimes there is not a label for us {try sticking one on me}
I have read your posts since you began posting on here and I think I’m right in saying that like me you have never fitted the norm ? then so be it.
One point I would love to ask you is what does it feel like when you receive the shock from your Defibrillator? {private message me if you think them to squeamish on here}
Just keep on being yourself, you are loved for it.
Thanks Hidden , to be honest I’ve never felt anything when I’ve had my various cardiac events. Which doesn’t help with my feelings really. Not felt a thing. It’s slightly strange to wake up in a bed, on the floor, & in a hospital not really knowing what has happened. Then I get a call from the usual number at the usual time & I think “oh no, not again”As for labels, I don’t like them for me let alone you. Stay cool.
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