My son has been at home with me for the last 2 and a half years. It was supposed to be temporary while he looked for a flat of his own.
Then a year ago he met someone from the US and they got engaged at New Year. My son was super motivated to apply for his marriage visa and in the meantime they took turns to visit each other. He was so happy. Then in April it ended. My son has been back living with me which he really hates ( we have a very rocky history ) and he can’t see anything positive ahead.
Since Tuesday he has been on hunger strike and says he will see it through until he dies. I don’t know what to do to turn things around.
I'm sorry to hear you're both having such a hard time.
A break up like this, which also meant breaking up with his ideas of living in America, will have a very big impact on someone, and I've found (having ASD myself) that with autism it can mean the pain is very acute, especially with the sort of black and white thinking that autism can involve (Things are either good or they're not, and grey areas are a challenge or aren't considered). (This is based on my experiences and what i've seen with others).
You mention the break up happened in April, so about 6 months ago. In emotional terms it's likely to still be very raw. I've found it's rare for someone to recover from a relationship ending in that short a time - there can be all sorts of emotions dwelling on the reasons why it ended, blame and self-blame, denial, anger, etcetera. The aftermath of a break up is like grieving, and there are different phases that happen with it.
I understand this must bring as much challenges to you as it does for him as you're trying to support him through this. I take my hat off to you, it's not easy and the recovery is a slow, gradual process. I've seen friends go through the same. From my experience there's a lot of ups and downs but over time a slow, gradual moving on. They have to go through all these raw feelings and pain to come through to eventually accepting that what happened has happened.
If you're concerned for his immediate wellbeing, I'd recommend talking to an organisation like Samaritans. They're lovely people, I've used them myself before. They can offer support to people who are supporting / worried about loved ones who are struggling. You can also contact your GP (or out of hours doctor), who may be able to give some advice about local support services, and if you feel he may harm himself, may also be able to refer you to crisis services, such as:
- crisis resolution and home treatment teams (CRHT) - can support you if you have a mental health crisis outside of hospital
- crisis houses – intensive short-term support in residential placements, not hospitals
- local support services.
If it gets to a point of emergency where you are deeply concerned, always call 999.
(The national autistic society also suggests advice for family, friends and professionals supporting anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts: (this is a more generalised list but has some good points)
Do not leave them on their own if there is an immediate danger they will harm themselves
Remove items they could use to end their life
Encourage them to communicate in whatever way they want, including text or messaging
Be non-judgemental and remain calm
Ensure any professional help meets their specific needs
Use hobbies and interests to direct them away from negative thoughts
Be aware that some autistic people may be masking some of their difficulties
Be aware of communication and sensory differences
Look after your own wellbeing. )
It might be your son might not want to be persuaded, or have long talks at this moment, but it's good to just be present for him, to be available so that he can see you're there if he chooses to reach out to you.
If you are able to open up a dialogue with him, gently discussing what he's feeling, helping him articulate what's going on in his head, this can be a form of release. I've found people who are ideating ending these things just want the pain they're feeling to stop. It feels too much and they don't feel they can handle it any more. The conversations don't have to solve everything, it's just about letting him talk out what he's feeling. Let questions be open-ended, rather than "yes" or "no", so that there's room to speak. It can be helpful to offer different perspectives, but it's a careful job. It might be he's not totally receptive, or keeps the conversation going in circles, coming back to that the point that everything is still really bad. When people do this circular thinking, getting into a miserable spiral, it's important to try not to get angry or frustrated. If you do get frustrated at this (i've certainly been here!) it's best to gently and kindly remove yourself from the conversation and then let yourself calm down. It can be upsetting when you feel like you're not getting through and can feel really emotionally draining, so it's important to recognise when you need to pull yourself out of the situation. It's much harder to look after someone not coping when you're also really upset yourself.
I would recommend talking to these organisations, they offer online and telephone services, and definitely also looking after yourself.
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