Feel like i'm going absolutely insane with my asthma. I know that stress is a trigger for me, and I am on anti-depressants, and see a councellor at uni, and a psychologist, as well as having a very good support network of friends and family backing me up, and yet around exams (now) my asthma goes mental! The problem is that the more my asthma goes insane, the less time I have to revise, and so the more stressed I get, and the cycle continues! I just don't know what to do anymore!!! In the last two months I've been in intensive care three times, two of those were for my asthma. Woke up on the morning of my 21st birthday in ICU as well. Spending loads and loads of time on IVs, and the aminophylinne especially makes me feel jittery which makes it hard to focus on work things. Literally, i'm at the point where I'm a few days away from my exams and I can't cope with how behind I am. My department are being really supportive, but I just pile the pressure on myself, I so badly want to do well despite everything, but the more pressure I put on myslef the harder it is to do well.
I just want to be a normal 21 year old. I had an idiot doctor the other day who was going on about how much medication i'm on for a 21 year old and i'm sat there thinking ""well....yeah....I know!!"" But it's not as though I take it for a laugh!! If I could get through a day without popping pills I would - i'd kill to do it, but right now i'd probably be dead without the majority of my meds, and would certainly not be functional! And then he was saying how well-controlled asthma shouldn't stop me ding anything - but no-one was ever DREAMING that my asthma was well controlled!! It'd be great if it was, but it's not (despite being on a load of meds for a 21yr old!!!). and then he was lecturing me about avoiding triggers - which is a great plan, avoiding triggers is a brilliant way of controlling asthma - but how do I avoid the weather? exercising? eating? germs? stress? any strong smells? passive smoke? showering? cooking? etc! There are some things I just have to be able to do and I can't help it if they trigger me - i'm doing my best! He was just so patronising and I was exhausted having just spent a night in ICU and therefore barely slept at all. As well as being stressed about my exams and stuff! Its just so unfair - i'd love to be normal but i'm not being ill to spite him! Argh!
Got four more weeks of exams to survive (stoopid maths degree has loadsa exams!) and i'm terrified i'm going to end up in hospital again, i already missed my first exam - I can't afford to miss anymore or resit week (which is when i'm doing the exam I missed) is going to be impossible!!!
Just needed a rant!!!