Different

[LittleBlu]

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I'm in a relationship and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel towards my boyfriend. My aunt has cancer and probably won't make it; my mom was crying telling me that. I didn't cry, all I thought was "well that's sad". I'm not in touch with my feelings like most people and I hate that.

[PearCider]

That is, I'm afraid, the nature of the beast. That's what ASD is like. When my father was dying from bowel cancer it didn't bother me at all. After he was dead, then it did, and for a long time I didn't feel right about not having said goodbye to him.

I was talking to someone at work about ASD and I told him that he was looking at the emotional world on an old black-and-white TV set, and he half laughed. I have also seen comments that people with ASD can feel emotion almost too much. ASD makes it difficult for you to understand and process emotions, either yours or other peoples'. If you've ever seen the old star trek, think of Spock... in human terms, he'd be autistic.

It is what it is. No amount of therapy or magic pills or fancy diets will make it go away. You won't recover from it, though you may find ways of working around it. There will be other things about how you are that will come in useful, and just now and then you'll probably be thankful for aspects of it... but if you did get offered some magic cure by your fairy godmother, you'd take it, and that's always how you'll feel about it.

[wallflower_fairy]

Hi LittleBlu,

Being different is hard. Try to remember though that different doesn't mean less.

Those of us who are on the autistic spectrum process our emotions differently. We process them more slowly, for example, and/or we seem to feel them more intensely.

It might be that you're so upset about your aunt's illness that you're not capable of experiencing the emotions around this at the moment. Like with everyone, when our emotions overwhelm us, we stop being able to feel them. It's the system's way of protecting itself.

It could also be - because your aunt is still alive, and you may not have witnessed yourself how sick she is - that you haven't been able to acknowledge the situation beyond surface level, as a reality. That is, on the surface, you understand that you've just been told something sad (as was the thought that came through your mind immediately after your mum told you) but maybe you're not able to process it any more deeply than that at the moment, and therefore feel the emotional response, because you've not been confronted with it directly.

As PearCider said, they weren't affected by their father's illness until after he had passed, probably for the reason I just described above.

It's hard for us, being on the spectrum, to process and cope with change of any kind. As a defense mechanism to this, I think that we normalise the abnormal until we absolutely can't anymore, and are subsequently forced to face up to the situation and the reality of it. This is normally, in my experience at least, after we've been directly confronted with the (regarding your case and PearCider's - very upsetting) outcome.

It's probably a combination of everything I said above which contributed to your, very understandable, reaction.

I'm sure you're a very caring person. Moreover, if you truly didn't care about your mother or your aunt, then you wouldn't have talked about this here, so try not to be hard on yourself about it. Just be gentle with yourself and give yourself time.

This short video on Autism and Bereavement might also help.

youtu.be/mzgtdtejQCs(Not working as expected?)

I'm also sorry you're struggling in a romantic relationship and with knowing how to feel about your partner. I've experienced the same when I've been in a relationship and struggle in them myself.

For me personally, it'll take a lot time for me to feel secure in a relationship and comfortable around being intimate (emotionally or otherwise) with another person.

It might be worth evaluating why you're in this relationship - whether it's because you intrinsically wanted to be in this relationship with him, or whether you went into this relationship to fit in with what society's view of "normal" is, or maybe he showed interest in you and you wanted to please him. I think, even when we're committed to someone, it's normal to feel like this being on the spectrum, and maybe we just need more time as well as patience and understanding from the partner. But it's also very important to be sure that we're in a relationship for the right reason, and that's it's what we really want.

I hope there'll come a time soon where you'll be able to accept yourself as you are. Remember, you're beautifully unique, and they'll never be another you.

Xx

[Clarrisa]

Irrespective of whether one has Aspergers or not my understanding is all people grief in their own unique way & at their own pace. Grief counselors encourage people not to be hard on themselves or be judgmental.

I did not cry during my companion’s passing. His son fell apart. We were just the opposite at his funeral. I had many months to process his declining health, while his son had been busy with his business. I had left my work to be with my companion, & joined group therapy to cope. Up until my companion’s death, this son had displayed no public emotions.

If you have sibling(s) you will likely take any turn in their health harder than a younger generation. Yes, those of us with Aspergers are different but in my opinion this is one instant we can flex & flow.