Asperger's with PTSD and MDD, etc.

[tonalchemy]

I'm new here. I have PTSD from a tracheotomy at 9 months. I was a gentle child until then but became a demon. Very difficult childhood, especially in school. I'm a musician by calling and a retired software engineer.

[PearCider]

When were you diagnosed with ASD?

[tonalchemy in reply to PearCider]

When I was about 45 or so, i think. It was a stay for a week at Harborview in Seattle. Asberger's was one of their diagnoses.

[PearCider in reply to tonalchemy]

Anything much follow from the diagnosis?

I wasn't sure if there was any advice particularly you were after, or you were just putting your head round the door and saying hi.

[tonalchemy in reply to PearCider]

No particular advice. Basically just saying "hi, here's another messed up mind." Advice would not be unwelcome. Thanks for your reply.

[PearCider in reply to tonalchemy]

OK here goes with some free advice learned the hard way. Feel free to ignore some or all of it, or share any insights you have.

From bitter experience it will often feel as if other people are being weird, even though they will think you are. They will think that dealing with you requires huge amounts of patience that they often won't have. The single biggest thing you can do, especially when they are getting annoyed at you (which they will), is to stay dead calm.

There are also certain things (again from experience) that you shouldn't say:

- "Strictly speaking..." (whatever it is, they will think it's pedantic)

- "I think you mean..." (again, will come across as pedantic, as they will say 'you knew what I meant')

- "Tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it" (I don't understand why, but this is a red rag to a bull)

- "All right, I'll..." or "OK, I'll..." (will be in a weary tone of voice which will be irritating, especially if you're saying a string of them one after the other)

- "You're wrong" (will sound like an attack)

Don't keep asking someone for advice (I mean, out in the real world). It will come across as pestering, or not thinking for yourself, or expecting someone to always think for you. A friend in need is a pain.

Don't expect people to adjust to you, even though they should. Don't expect them to even be interested in how they could interact with you more effectively. Even if you can tell it to them very precisely, they won't want to hear it. Your ASD they will feel is your problem that you should be dealing with. You may be able to find work-arounds for some of it, and where you do use them. Don't make a thing of it, do it quietly and unobtrusively.

It's easy to say and hard to do, and it will feel very unfair, but try and spot the no-win situations, the ones where everything you say and do will be wrong. When you're in one, stop talking, try and disengage completely at the earliest opportunity, give the other person space and time to calm down. I try and keep telling myself, it isn't about what's right, it's about what works.

Oh and, people will say all sorts of stuff when they get cross, and though they will believe they mean it at the time it won't be their considered opinion. They'll see it differently when they've cooled off.

[tonalchemy in reply to PearCider]

Wow! Thank you so much for your very thoughtful reply. It's one I will have to read again once I've digested it some. It certainly sounds like good advice and like you've been through much of it, yourself. Cheers.