Catgirl 2017 my daughter's story I am typing for her

[Gigi2017]

Since my diagnosis of PPP early March, I have battled with feeling disconnected and detached from my children. I seek constant reassurance and validation and am constantly talking about wanting to go back to the hospital even when I know all the hospital did was provide meds, no therapy. I lack coping skills, motivation and strategies. My family is so supportive and with me all the time however everyone is feeling frustrated and upset that I am not helping myself. I feel like a different version of myself and hate what this is doing to my family. I feel like a hamster in a wheel, this cycle continues daily.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Catgirl

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

A very warm welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experience here. I admire you so much as you had suffered the trauma of PP as recently as March. I’m sorry you are battling the feeling of being detached from your children but I think you need to give yourself time.

I’m sorry that although supportive, everyone is feeling frustrated that you are not helping yourself. I think your family need a lot of patience to realise that you have been through so much which was out of your control. It takes time to come to terms with all that you have been through and move forward.

I had PP many years ago and was sectioned to mixed general psychiatric care. When I eventually returned home months later, I can remember feeling overwhelmed by routine as there was so much to cope with. How I wished I could return to hospital at that stage, so I can relate to how you are feeling.

Do you have a nurse visiting so that you can talk about your worries? If you are in the UK you should receive care from the perinatal mental health team until your baby is one year, with transfer to community care.

Perhaps you could ask your GP for a referral to counselling, just to talk openly to someone about your feelings as sometimes we don’t like to burden our families. Please give yourself time for your confidence to return. PP was not your fault and coming back from such a traumatic experience is not an easy journey.

So please lean on the support around you and ask for help from nurses or doctors if you need to. It’s very early days for you so take it easy and know that you will find your place again. We are all here to listen if it helps to see your feelings written out. Stay safe and take care.

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Gigi2017

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this hard stage of recovery where everyday life feels very challenging. Be as kind to yourself as you can - it's such early days and PP comes as a huge shock which can really rock the foundations of our confidence in ourselves. It can be very hard to offer yourself compassion - but it can be helpful to think about how you would talk to a friend going through the same things you are right now... those kind words and patience and reassurance are deserved by you, too.

I wondered if you have come across APP's booklet on Recovery after PP? It offers lots of tips from other mums who have been where you are now - and offers hope that you will get there in time. Here's the link - app-network.org/wp-content/...

I remember in my own recovery (now 16 years ago!) it took a good few months to feel bonded to my daughter again, and I was very low in energy and motivation. Some of the things that helped were meeting up with just two close friends once a week and taking my baby daughter swimming, then having lunch together. Short walks with the buggy, trying to get some fresh air each day. When I felt able to do a bit of cooking again, I started with simple things like soup or salads just to get a bit of a sense of achievement.

As Lilybeth says, do reach out to us here any time you need to just be offload and be encouraged by others who have walked this path - we are here for you!

Warm wishes

Naomi

[Lilly53 Volunteer]

Hi Gigi2017

So sorry to hear you’re experiencing feelings of disconnection and detachment from your children. PP is such a traumatic illness to live through. Everyone’s experience is unique but know you are not alone in how you’re feeling.

I was never sectioned with my PP but Lilybeth also says she remembers wishing to return to hospital. I hope you find hers and Naomi_at_app really insightful experiences and practical suggestions below helpful.

I also felt very detached from my son for a good while, in fact I even felt physically scared of him at times and unable to comprehend he was even mine!

But the more time we spent together the greater our bond became. Now 10 years on from my first episode of PP and our relationship is really strong. For example, I also loved taking him for walks in his pram. The fresh air did us both good. We also went to a messy play group which was hard at first but I’m so pleased we both went. And gradually my confidence grew. Perhaps a family member could go with you to something like this for the first few times?

It is understandable you feel a different version of yourself as you have gone through such a life changing illness. But please be assured that people do make a full recovery even if that might seem far away now. Just do little things. And perhaps even write down three little things from each day that you are proud of/grateful for. I found that really helped.

Wishing you all the best. And do keep in touch if helpful.

[Seasky18 Volunteer]

It's so hard, but you've been through something so traumatic, try to be kind and gentle with yourself...

I had PP almost four years ago, but I can remember the battle well once I was home and especially for me when I came off medication. I felt no love or joy for anyone or anything, had no motivation or reason for being.

My family was amazing just like it sound yours are - they did lots of research on strategies to help with depression, foods to eat (certain foods can really help), things to do - simple repetitive tasks like preparing meals, baking, as well as walks, running and yoga and lots of talking really helped me. I love the water, so we would seek it out as much as we could, and I'd have a bath or shower sometimes twice a day as I found it helped me.

I literally remember running round a field by my house, putting one foot in front of another feeling so low and thinking 'just put one foot in front of another just keep putting one foot in front of another'. It felt almost hopeless at the time, but something kept me going, and it was doing this, just taking one step, one day at a time that got me through. It's a long path but every day, every step is progress even if it doesn't feel it at the time.

Our GP was an immense support and helped us both with her moral support and practically (including checking my iron levels which were very low, so not helping) and helping to arrange some counselling, I did find just talking and building a network of supportive people helped a lot as well.

Now I feel I'm able to give back again, to help others when they're struggling... and that's what friends and family are for to support when you need it... give yourself time, lean on them as long as you need, they love you and will do anything they can to help you.

Sending you strength and all the positivity I can to help you through...

[hgallo Volunteer]

Hi Gigi2017, I just thought I'd check in on how things were going for you and your daughter? I had pp after the birth of my twin girls in 2016. I found recovery went in stages for myself. On discharge from hospital, like your daughter, I was on a lot of meds. My husband said I was vey disconnected. I didn't have a relapse of intrusive thoughts but was extremely anxious and had flashbacks. These eased after a couple of years.I found talking to other mums who'd been poorly and slowly going to baby groups etc helped. I did an IT course when my girls were 2 years old through a mental health charity and that helped rebuild my confidence too.

I'm sorry to hear she's having intrusive thoughts - I had them too when I had pp. It's good that she's vocalising them though - strange as that sounds - as you're all able to keep a check on her then. It took me a while to separate myself from the illness - and realise that was the illness and not the real 'Hannah.'

I found it helpful to have activities that quietened my mind - walks, yoga etc - as my brain over fired when I had pp. Even some breathing exercises.

But it must be scary to watch. Are you getting support for yourself? We have a grand parents support group over Zoom - bi-monthly I think. Is that something you'd be interested in joining?

It's a horrible illness but I promise you she will get better with time. 6 years down the line I'm working and volunteering too and I have two healthy happy twin girls who don't remember a thing of me being ill!

Take good care of yourself, we're here when you need us x

[Pikorua Volunteer in reply to hgallo]

Beautifully written, Hannah!

[Gigi2017 in reply to hgallo]

Hello Hannah

Thank you for your kind words. My daughter went back into hospital 12 days ago for a medication adjustment and it seems to have worked. First time I've truly seen the girl I love and know. It's been the hardest thing to go through as a mom and grandmother. You all here have been a lifesaver to me and I cannot thank each of you enough. She is home today and I am praying my girl is back. I see it and feel it. It has been so hard to watch. Thank you for letting me know about the grandparent support group, I would welcome that. Sending many thank u's , hugs and love. You all are amazing!

[hgallo Volunteer in reply to Gigi2017]

HiGigi2017, that's great to hear. Is no trouble at all. I think we all live peer supporting others as we know how it feels and it feels like a positive coming out of a negative for me at least. Here's the link to the info about the groups app-network.org/peer-support/

[hgallo Volunteer in reply to hgallo]

Please lean on us as much as you need to, that's why we here! X

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Gigi2017]

Hello Gigi2017

Thank you for such an emotional post. It’s lovely that you can see your daughter emerging from such a dark place as the girl you know and love. Such a relief and I hope the medication adjustment continues to make a difference.

Thank you for your kind words. As Hannah said, it’s what we’re all here for, to offer our support and share experiences in the hope that it helps. Recovery after PP is such a rollercoaster but hopefully in the comfort of home and your loving care your daughter is making progress.

Please remember to take care of yourself too as it’s not easy watching your loved one fighting to be well.

Thinking of you and your daughter. Love and hugs to you both.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Dearest Gigi2017 and mum cat girl,

congratulation on your baby? And well done nan, or the both of you in finding this forum. No doubt you are at the right place. It took 5 years until I found those wonderful Samaritans, who are all survivors of PPP and are the most amazing mums.

I had PPP in 2010 and my story is as sad as Lilybeth as we were sectioned to a Psychiatric hospital instead of a mother and baby unit, nowadays available in most localities of the UK.

I got poorly 2 weeks after I gave birth and nobody wanted to believe my partner. Recovery of PPP was very slow as I was sectioned, misdiagnosed and kept in isolation most of the time without gynaecological support. Members of staff had no training in PPP and did not know how to cope with the illness. (I still have sore shoulders, when the weather is changing, because of not being restrained properly) I have not received the appropriate meds and nor the right amount until severe weeks later, that meant I was in a very bad state as I did not sleep for a long time...

My partner was under immense pressure of having to look after our new born without mum. The support came from his family. Only when managing to get out of hospital with the help of my partner, my "vegetable existence" was gradually changing.

I have great compassion for your worries. This is a very traumatising time not only for mum, but everybody involved.

Patience, trust and love and every little goal achieved at mum's pace, often in stepping stones is important. Communication can happen on many levels and does not always need to be verbalised.

Listening and tailor made needs for mum is the only way forward. Communicating with health professionals, family members and choice of friends in order to create a support network was very useful and vital for my recovery. The focus always has to go back to mum and baby.

The after care was immense in my case. We have had a health visitor for 2 years, I have had a lovely GP and Psychiatrist and my partner and his parents worked all closely together following a care plan. Always reconsider the voice of mum and her needs, which you already have done beautifully, by introducing the both of you on here. So thoughtful.

Recovery depends on so many factors for the individual. It helps a lot to read about life experiences of other mums on this forum. We all suffered PPP, but journeys are not always compatible, but lots of snaps and or similarities.

Take good care you 2.

x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Gigi2017

Thinking of you and hope your daughter is feeling the difference with the adjustment in medication. It took a while for doctors to find the right balance of medication and treatment that worked for me. So hold onto hope ... with your loving support your precious daughter will be well.

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Dear Gigi2017,I am so sorry that your daughter, you and whole family have suffered PP. I am sorry I have been slow to come to the forum but just wanted to say as a mother of a daughter who suffered the same shocking illness five years ago that your daughter can be fully well again as is my daughter. I am so very glad that you found APP and the amazing, brave, supporting Mums here, they were of such hope to me when my daughter was ill. I also wanted to say that I fully understand the anguish you have been going through, the feeling of helplessness, it is the hardest thing isn’t it to see a much beloved daughter suffer in such a traumatic way and be lost to you for a time. It is so good that you can now feel and see glimpses that your daughter is back and though recovery can be up and down and each Mum is different she can come fully back to you all.

You have done a brilliant job being there for your daughter, to be surrounded by caring, understanding, loving family and friends is, I think along with the health service, a great healer.

Congratulations all on the precious baby addition to the family.

As Lillybeth said hold onto hope and take care of you too.

From one granny to another with warmest best wishes

Judith x

[Gigi2017 in reply to NanaJudith_APP_Vol]

Hello Judith

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is Mothers Day here in Canada and I want to wish all of you from the bottom of my heart a Happy Mother's Day! My daughter just got out of her second stay in the hospital, 12 days and I truly feel that this time the medication is right. She seems back to her old self and my fingers are so crossed and I'm praying so hard. I would not wish this journey on anyone but what I am so happy to say is that it is "temporary". I will keep you all updated but this could be the best Mother's Day gift ever to have my girl back. Love and thank you to you all! Gigi

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Gigi2017

I hope you had a happy Mother’s Day in Canada with your daughter and that she is now on the right medication. I’m sure it’s been very hard wishing and hoping for her to be well. Please remember to take care of yourself too. Love to you across the miles.