I feel like the pain of losing my baby boy is driving me crazy. I feel so guilty, like I should have been more attentive of my health while I was still carrying him. Not that I was unhealthy, I was doing the best I can to eat right, avoid foods that were not good for the baby, and even do mild exercise and morning walks. We discovered that something was off when we had our monthly prenatal checkup last November. He was behind 4 weeks in terms of growth. We had a Congenital Anomaly Scan and discovered that he was perfectly normal, its just that he was small in weight. We were advised to come back for a re-scan after two weeks. I was also put into antihypertensive medication since my blood pressure was at 140/90. The OB told me that high blood pressure contributes to small weight for babies. So I took my medicine on time and monitored my blood pressure everyday. On the morning of 06 December I had a nosebleed, which was my first time to ever experience it. I checked my blood pressure and it was at 160/100, I then informed my OB and I was advised for hospital admission. My husband and I thought that we would just be at the hospital for a few days. But then my blood pressure remained alarmingly high. I wasn’t responding to the antihypertensive medications. I was diagnosed with Preeclampsia with Severe Features. We were aiming for my blood pressure to go down to 140/90 so that we could go home, continue monitoring my blood pressure and the baby’s progress every 2 weeks via ultrasound. Apart from having high blood pressure, I wasn’t feeling anything unusual, I was asymptomatic. The nurses also monitored my baby’s heartbeat every shift, and he was moving inside my tummy actively. He even answered me with a kick whenever I talked to him. My body started responding to one of the medications and my blood pressure finally started dropping. We also had an ultrasound and discovered that the baby gained weight and has a good heartbeat. On the morning of 15 December, we were advised to go home since my blood pressure reached 140/90 and I started responding to the antihypertensive medications. Our OB checked our baby to make sure everything is good before ordering for us to go home. However, our baby’s heartbeat was at 100. I was scheduled for an emergency CS at 25 weeks. Everything that was happening went on like a blur. Our precious baby boy was born sleeping at 11:55 am. 😔
It was so devastating, however, I could not grieve immediately since I developed HELLP Syndrome. I was under observation for 5 more days. I wasn’t even able to attend to my son’s burial.
My husband is my rock right now. He is my greatest support. But I find myself in a void. The pain of losing my baby Kaeden is... I can’t even put it into words. I know in time I would eventually accept everything that had happened. But it’s really difficult, I find myself crying silently, usually when my husband is asleep. I removed all social media applications cause I find myself feeling bitter. I miss my son so much. I wish I could turn back time and do everything differently. I wish my son is still in my tummy. I just miss and love him so much.