Food causes me grief.
I don't how I did this to myself but I have and I can't fix it. I've tried. But I can't. Whatever I do isn't good enough. I can't deal with the guilt anymore. I'm overwhelmed. I'm drowning in it.
I can't cope. The stress. The self hate. My mind switched on constantly. Constantly streaming all the reasons I'm a failure & all things I need to change & all the reasons it's pointless to try because I'll fail like I always do.
I need help.
I'm alone. It's all bottled up & I can't do this anymore. Im going f*cking insane crazy & no one knows because I'm such a f*cking actress.
I've never done this before. Shared thoughts like this. Even I no one reads it I've still put it down in words. I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom. My mind clear after spending the last few minutes sobbing. Body wracking sobs. I needed that. Even if I did give myself a headache :/
But it revealed something to me.
I feel unfulfilled. Like my life is empty. I'm lonely & in my 23 years I haven't done anything worth any merit. I envy others, their lives & personalities & friendships & jobs & travels & experiences. But nothing about me or my life would evoke those feelings in anyone else.
Boring & pathetic. That's me & my life.
I guess that's why I'm chasing this unattainable perfection. To finally feel like I have something worth having.