Meltdown & a eureka moment

Food causes me grief.

I don't how I did this to myself but I have and I can't fix it. I've tried. But I can't. Whatever I do isn't good enough. I can't deal with the guilt anymore. I'm overwhelmed. I'm drowning in it.

I can't cope. The stress. The self hate. My mind switched on constantly. Constantly streaming all the reasons I'm a failure & all things I need to change & all the reasons it's pointless to try because I'll fail like I always do.

I need help.

I'm alone. It's all bottled up & I can't do this anymore. Im going f*cking insane crazy & no one knows because I'm such a f*cking actress. 

I've never done this before. Shared thoughts like this. Even I no one reads it I've still put it down in words. I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom. My mind clear after spending the last few minutes sobbing. Body wracking sobs. I needed that. Even if I did give myself a headache :/

But it revealed something to me.

I feel unfulfilled. Like my life is empty. I'm lonely & in my 23 years I haven't done anything worth any merit. I envy others, their lives & personalities & friendships & jobs & travels & experiences. But nothing about me or my life would evoke those feelings in anyone else.

Boring & pathetic. That's me & my life.

I guess that's why I'm chasing this unattainable perfection. To finally feel like I have something worth having.

Cathartic.

3 Replies

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  • wow, i'm glad you feel, in some way, better? about writing this down?? I'm also sorry if my comment doesn't make you feel any better :(

    So why do you feel this way? Why do you envy others?? Why aren't you believing in yourself & the person that you are? Why does it matter that you havn't done anything 'worthwhile' in your life? You are living it, you are the driver behind the steering wheel & your life can go in any direction you want it too! Do you think you are depressed? On any kind of pills? Have you seen a doctor or spoken about these feelings to anyone else? Sorry for the questions, i guess i would just like to know why you are so down :(

    Your Blog has really got to me,

    Love & hugs x x x

  • Hello :) I do feel a bit better after having a vent. I don't really have any other means to do so, so it builds up over time before I have a big breakdown. I'm good at hiding things & appearing fine when inside I'm so far from it. I can only keep up the facade for so long. I'm not seeing a doctor & don't (have anyone to) talk about things. I guess I feel this way because I'm not a outgoing person by nature. I used to be cripplingly shy, not so much anymore as my job has made me come out my shell but I'm still a bit shy & socilally awkward. I missed out on a lot of things because of this. Parties & opportunities to socialise because the idea filled me with dred. I've never been drunk (not really bothered by this it's just an example of something most people my age have done) only had one relationship (he cheated) & I'm a virgin. Most "friends" I had have all disappeared & I don't go out. People tell me I'm a nice person, a funny person, they say I'm pretty & good friend. But then I'm abandoned?? If I'm so great then where is everyone?! I might be depressed. I feel it sometimes. My life just seems empty. Missing even the most basic & trivial milestones that other people make without even noticing. I envy them because of that. Because i have to make everything so complicated by being so anxious & painfully self aware all the time. Thank you for talking to me about this, what you said about being in the drivers seat is so true but I don't feel it sometimes, it's something I really need to remember. That I have the power to change the things I want to change. I guess I just don't believe in myself enough xxx

  • I think you are very brave :) I have sent you a message x

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