Advice please

Hi I have a eating disorder case manager that seems to think that if I just start eating again I'll just recover. Obviously this isn't right? She really think I'm capable to just return to regular eating tomorrow and that I just choose not to, I'm so frustrated and upset, it's so hard and it's like she's just given up on me. Any advice is appreciated.

57 Replies

  • Hi. Look. What kind of manager are you talking about? Is he/ she your dietician or maybe therapist?

    Can you describe more about yourself and why do you think you've got an eating disorder.

    Again, do we truly understand what ED mean?

  • I've struggling with anorexia nervosa since being 18 but didn't actually get a diagnosis till I was 22, im still very much still struggling I'm now so wrapped up in it I cannot see a way out. I got referred to eating disorder service in September 2015, and I'm still attending now there I have what you call a "case manager" it's someone that just supports, encourages, and monitors your health and weight apparently. But I don't feel I'm getting any better, worse if anything else, she just speaks about the importance of regular eating, and believes I could if wanted choose to eat and that I just choose not to. I don't think she realises how much of a struggle it is, I'd say I'm at my worst iv ever been. I've no idea how to help myself. Thankyou for replying.

  • Ok, as I understand you attend this clinic or whatever this place calls on a regularly basis, and it doesn't help you. Have you ever been an inpatient in any ED clinic before?

    What about your parents? Are you close to them in terms of relationships between a child and a parent? It's very important to know.

  • By the way, I haven't asked your name((((

  • No I haven't yet been an inpatient in an ED clinic as of yet. My Dad passed away from cancer few years back now and me and my mum don't speak. My names Jordan, I'm female just incase you get mixed up lol

  • I am sorry for your dad((((((

    It's really sad that you and ur mum don't speak right now. Because the family's help in all sorts of mental illnesses is massive. Was it always been like this?

    What do you do in your life? Studying or maybe working?

    p.s. the way of your writing definitely suggests that you are a girl( or a female as you've mentioned). Can I call u Jo?)

  • Yeah course you can, that's my nickname anyway. Yeah it's always been like this for such a long time, my dad passed away in 2009 and I haven't spoke to my mum since 2012 so it's affected me massively. Unfortunately I'm too ill at the minute to work or study, this Ilness has completely taken over me. I'm nothing like I used to be, it makes me so sad and unhappy. Thankyou for responding and talking to me, it goes a long way.

  • Jo, listen. When was the last time you visited ur GP? I mean ur "manager" doesn't help u obviously. And the only thing I can recommend u is to find the nearest clinic for being a full-time inpatient there. You can't carry on like that any more. And u know why. It does sounds scary, but u can't beat this sh**t yourself. I am sure, you've tried.

    Sitting at home means to die slowly, sorry for my words.

    They way you react and think at such low weight is understandable. That's why u can't maintain your relationships with ur mum. You need to make a research for finding another hospital. It's for ur own sake.

  • I think you might just be right there, I'm absolutely terrified of being admitted or sectioned. But I just can't get better 😞Thankyou so much, I feel better for talking to someone

  • I last visited by GP around a week or so ago xx

  • As I've mentioned before, nobody but you are responsible for yourself.

    If one doctor isn't helping you, there is always someone else.

    Being inpatient is a half of a journey. There it will be easier and quicker to gain a healthy weight. Then it's all about mental therapy.

    What are ur weight and height at the moment?

  • I'm 5'1 and 39.2kg

  • Your bmi is about 12.4

    What do u think?

  • Oh right I got told it was a little higher than that

  • It is. Its about 15 - 16

  • Im sorry to bother you again but you are giving out loads of false information


    I've just used online BMI calculator to check Jo's bmi, that's a bit strange.....

  • Whats strange? Lol im lost now

  • It's not 15 or 16

  • So what is it then. She is 5'1 and weighs approx 6 stone 2 (39kg give or take a .2 cos i cant remeber) bringing her bmi at 16.2. Im 5'4 weigh 38 kg and my bmi is approx 14

  • Yeap, rechecked it again in cm and it' s actually 16, you are right.)

  • Hi. They can be confusing. I made that sort of mistake before and put in 38lbs instead of kgs. I had a bmi of about 4! Easily done

  • I got it wrong because of cm and inch. But we got it right ,finally)))).

    Still don't understand why Jo can't be admitted anywhere.

  • Its all wrong isnt it? Depends what the docs etc are like. I went to mine a few months ago to get some help. He weighed me, 5 stone 10 then just said to me " well your still walking, talking and breathing so u'll be alright " which i was fuming about. What was really funny tho which did make me laugh was i got a text from the surgery later the same day asking would i reccomend them to family and friends!!

  • Hideous, absolutely hideous....Now I understand, how lucky I was with my illness... Gosh, still can't excuse myself for being so rude and stupid....((((I called my consultant "crazy bastard")))))

  • lucky with my doctor, i mean))))

  • Apparently I'm not at a dangerous level as of yet x

  • not funny at all ((((

  • Your bmi is not 12. Im 5 foot 4 weigh 38kg and my bmi is 14

  • Well, actually, it's not higher than that.

  • Forget about the weight. What is worrying u more?

  • Being in hospital, and knowing that it might get to the stage that if I don't admit myself I may be sectioned and that's scary not to mention feeling like iv failed but at the same time iv tried so hard to get better and I don't know what else to do to help myself. I'll have a chat with eating disorder service at my next appt

  • Remember, you don't need to be ashamed of your tries to get better.

  • The only thing which suppose to worry u is your health. Being so underweight means collapsing in any moment. Your own body eats u inside. The stage of starvation will be followed by many health problems( and low blood pressure, coldness it's just a start). Damaged liver, all inner organs including heart and brain- these are scary issues.

    The point of no return. This is what all doctors are scared of.

  • Hi

    As Princessdiana wrote above...nobody but you is responsible for yourself but you. No one else...The cade manager can ask you to eat and gain weight but can't make you and if it's too hard you won't do it. Being too hard doesn't mean it cannot be done. How many inpatients gain and then get out and relapse. The supported eating no longer there so they stop. So is that the only reason they ate. .because someone sat there spoon feeding them?

    This might sound harsh but I can tell you that it can be done. You will scream and cry punch the wall (cushions preferably ) but sooner or later anorexics who really want to get better will have to feed themselves consistently with no one there to hold their hand and deal with what that sets off in your brain. The support is better placed there someone to vent to or distract you after. There is that saying feel the fear and do it anyway so bottom line is you can eat. You don't have lock jaw it is the mind you need to conquer.

    I think anorexics have hard childhoods for whatever reason and they haven't been nurtured we don't know how to look after ourselves be as weve never really experienced it on a level somehow. As everyone grows they become more responsible for themselves but this is virtually impossible if you've missed out growing by coping in an anorexic way. You are likely bottling more up underneath this ed than you will know unless you relinquish your dependence on it and on to yourself. That's where help is needed...someone who is there to talk to as you eat and let everything resurface. It is a fight and something I get very tired of, it gets easier but unsure if it will ever relent. Oh and word of warning don't use just one person, have a team. Don't become dependant on another instead of anorexia always know you need to find it in yourself and multiple others or you will learn a harsh lesson that might send you backwards after all the pain and effort to get well.

  • My son was sectioned and we had no choice, as he is 17, but he would not admit he had a problem so it was the only way forward for him, as his BMI was 14 and he was cold, had a dangerously low pulse rate. The staff at the hospital were wonderful and although he was not happy to be there to start with, he told his brother and sister (when they visited one day) how sorry he was and what a mess and accepted he was ill and knew that going to a inpatient unit would be the right thing for him to get better, even though he wanted to come home. Also he felt like it was a holiday in there as he got the chance to rest (he exercises excessively !) I think having the control taken away was better for him, as he was delivered the food and he had to eat, not to choose how much he put on his plate, and once he got his appetite back he realised how hungry he was, and then his brain started functioning better, and he realised he needs help (although still anti us - his parents as he thinks we put him there !) You need to eat to live, our body needs nourishment, to help you to think rationally. Please go and see your GP, ask your mum, anyone for help and I hope you get it, as you deserve to be better and you have taken the first steps on here by asking. Good Luck and keep chatting on here as much as you want, as this is a good place for people to help and listen to you, and be proud of yourself for taking the first steps to recovery xx

  • You are a wonderful mother. The real model for the parents whose kids do suffer.

  • Thankyou so much, your message has gone such a long way, it's nice to talk to someone that understands through a sad experience with your son. I think if I don't start to make progress in the next week or so I'm going to opt for hospital admission as I'd like to take the control rather than being sectioned. I just can't see a way out anymore, the hold is too strong. As I said above thankyou for this message I really hope your son gets better and stronger real soon. He will thank you one day xx

  • Most anorexics have the same stories between them. And it's important to understand that you are not alone.

  • You take control by eating for yourself. For realising you deserve to feed and nurture yourself, grow and learn and take risks and chances. That is the point. You are fighting yourself. If I can learn to eat and take responsibility after 38 years anyone can. It is just very very hard and maybe taking on the pain and difficulties that recovery journey requires comes with age. I certainly couldn't have done it as a teenager, in my twenties or early thirties but you know what I wish I had done it at 18 or 20 and saved myself from the last 20 yrs!

  • Would you say your disorder got worse as the years went on?

  • Yes. I am lucky to be alive. At one point I was 32 LG vomited everything I ate. Could only eat if I drank alcohol. I would be going mad desperate to run , walk , binge and drink and would wait til husband got home. He even went out and got me binge food/drink. They couldn't hospitalise me as they said the children needed me at home. Re feeding was pointless as I would only run to the situation that unbeknown to me was making me ill.

    In the end I had to stop drinking in the evening which stopped the binging which led to me learning to eat tiny amounts and lessen the exercise. It made me suicidal at times but I kept going.

    Trouble is anorexia is a solution to issues blocks them out completely if you live on and on with it. I knew no other way of living or surviving.

    Recovery is a hard lesson. Support is good but you have to do the hard bit. You have to eat and eat normally no food off limit no one else can do it for you and that is why few recover and more learn to manage it or die from it or suicide.

    It is beyond complex. I used to say I couldn't do it...too hard but I had to fight for my kids sake. I am now divorced and a single mum. NO controlling people I'm my life so I don't have to control food/weight/eating.

    I know it sounds harsh but no one held my hand when I ate my first breakfast for 30 yrs a tiny bit of toast and butter. I cried and cried and there was no one there and never had been but I learnt it was ok I wasn't because of me and I had to feel worth it and feed myself. It is something all anorexics have to learn to do and the sooner the better.

  • Thankyou for your response. It brought tears to my eyes just reading that. Well done on your bravery and strength to overcome this awful disease, I really wish I had your strength. Your post was inspirational and you should be proud of yourself 😊

  • You do. If you are strong enough to starve yourself and control innate hunger then you are strong enough to overcome it.

  • Understandable, sad but proud of you.

  • Hi there. She is talking a load of .rap! You need proper help and obviosly this person doesnt know the first thing about eating disorders and personally i dont think she should be working in that role. Completely wrong. I have put a post on here myself saying basically the same sort of stuff. For me i fealt like i was banging my head against a brick wall. Im presuming you are a lot younger than me which might make it a little easier to get THE PROPER HELP. You cant go from having anorexia one day and miraculously recover the next by eating. Personally this women needs sacking and talk to sumone who knows what they are doing. I went to someone once, a proffesional. I weighed 5 stone at that time and they turned round to me and said ' just get to 7 stone and stop being a drama queen! So i do know some people spout the biggest load of rubbish . You wont get better over night ( sorry just being honest ) but i do think that we should love ourselves a little more and ignore the idiots that make us feel rubbish. You are you and you should be proud of you. Your mind set wont alter tho when you are underweight. This is part of the problem. Theres a massive chemical inbalance in your brain when you starve yourself that makes us preoccupied with food and weight and even if you had a major pig out it wont alter that state of mind untill you get to a healthy weight. Im sorry ive droned on so much and i wish you all the best. You can do this you know x

  • Thankyou so much for this message, it's nice to hear back from people that are experiencing it themselves or have gone through it. Sometimes the illness isolates you that much from everyone it makes you think your on your own. I've only just turned 24, been like this since I was 18 but it's gettin worse now. Hope your recovered now? Take care and thankyou x

  • Hi. It is a very isolating illness firstly because people dont understand and secondly we tend to lose interest in many things and isolate ourselves. You dont deserve this you know but getting better is easier said than done but you can do it

  • If your bmi is 12 you need help and quick. Suprised you can hold a conversation!

  • I know my BMI isn't 12. Someone on here told me it was and I argued the case because I knew it was higher than that because I regular have my bmi checked

  • Your bmi is 16.2. If it was 12 you would struggle to walk or talk . I had 2 heart attacks at bmi 11.3

  • Hi dinkyshell, the doctors have never done a BMI on my daughter. It got me wondering what it is. Since I couldn't figure it out myself, I put the totals in a site on the internet that did it automatically. Is that reliable? It came out 12.9 She is seriously bad right now. Thanks

  • Hiya. Most of the sites are pretty acurate at giving the bmi result, infact ive never come across one yet that is wrong. So long as you put in the right info. I do however think that some people on here are giving out wrong information over a very serious illness. How old is your daughter?. If her bmi is that low she may have to go inpatient especially if her weight keeps dropping. And also it is a massive strain on you too so i do wish you both all the best x

  • That's right, as long as people give the right info

  • dinkyshell, thank you for responding.... She is 27. x

  • As dinky she'll said it is the weight. You have to eat to gain weight and get brain working. And again it is your mouth yo put the food in to.

    At one point I couldn't think at all. A care coordinator I had said my brain was dying and shouldn't be left alone but they wouldn't take me from the children. I had to eat to gain weight it reversed the effects to an extent enough that they could work with my psychologically. Ideally you will learn to feed yourself be responsible for eating and weight gain. It's the first step. The mindset changes you realise just how it protects you psychologically. More than you know.

  • Oh and it won't happen overnight it took me about 4 months to introduce food gradually and reduce exercise. That plan def helped me. I was called and encouraged and supported but when I ate I was wholly responsible. I'm not sure I breathed normally for months as the food made me panic in fact actually I stood to eat too. I developed other rituals. Was a very long tim before i tackled sitting to eat.

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