Hi Y’all,
That statement belies my deep lieing heritage in the southern Appalachian mountain region of the United States. As a matter of fact, my core family, from both sides, have lived in approximately the same 20 sq. mile area of the Big Sandy River Valley of Eastern Kentucky for well over 200 years. More on this later.
As I’ve mentioned in several earlier posts, we’ve recently downsized and bought a smaller condo. We just last week finally closed on our old home so we’re finally all in on the condo. So far we’re extremely happy here. We were able to acquire the condo at a good price because it was an older unit in need of repair. That didn’t really bother us because we could see the renovations in our mind and they were affordable, giving everything we think we want as we enter what we expect to be the final chapter of our lives. As we moved forward, we intended to have all the renovations done by someone else, slightly more costly but maybe more wise. As things moved along I was feeling fairly well and much to my wife’s horror, objections, and trepidation’s, I decided I was going to take on several of the projects. It’s not that she doesn’t think I have the knowledge or capabilities to do so. In the past, not long ago at all, I wouldn’t have considered having any of it done by anyone but me. But she knows how slippery things are in my mind lately, how poorly I relate proprioceptively. And therein lies all the reservations.
As it turned out, I completed every last project. Granted most took 2-4 times as long as I would have normally taken, there were many additional curse words and trips to the hardware but I completed everything I started by the time we were ready to move in. To do so I would usually start by 9:30 am or so and work as steadily as I could until 3:30-4 pm. That doesn’t sound like a lot but it was everything I had in me. I could barely drag myself home, eat supper (that’s what we call the dinner meal in Eastern Kentucky) and collapse. When the next morning rolled around it was wash, rinse, repeat. I did this until we moved into the condo just before Christmas 2017. This reminded so much of when I graduated dental school and moved back to eastern Kentucky to open a general practice. I was determined to make the practice a success and went at it with a vengeance. We were spending 65-70 hours per week in the office as well as trying to get our new home established and caring for our boys. To top this off, I had graduated from one of the top dental schools in the United States and wore very rose colored glasses when it came to the practice of dentistry. I was taught that saving the dentition was the ultimate goal and should be strived for at all times. Now I don’t know how familiar you are with Eastern Kentucky, but to say it is home to some of the poorest counties in the US is not to exaggerate in the least. Poverty is the norm in many regions here and this was no surprise to me, I was reared there. But I was going to break the chain of “Granny lost all her teeth in her teens and done good, dad lost all his teeth when he was twenty and done good. I’ll be fine withou it. Pull it.”. I just couldn’t reconcile my practice philosophy with that way of thinking. After several years of this crazy schedule and the stress of competing philosophies, the practice was a success, I had loyal patients, I had paid back my opening office loan. Things were looking up. Much as I had just recently pushed through and completed everything needed to get us in the condo, I had made the practice a success so many years ago. But I was drained. I had an ulcer, continual GERD, regular migraines and I was tired, mentally fried. After completing the move to the condo the cycle had repeated.
On Christmas Eve, my body and mind seemed to realize I was done with those pressing items and they more or less shut down. And I’ve had one heck of a time getting them going since. Most of the time I feel like I did by the end of tailgating at last summer’s Jimmy Buffett concert. After a day of sun, crowds, noise, visual overload, I was mentally a child. I had no idea how to navigate the crowd, find my way to the restroom, be convinced anyone would ever be back for me if left alone. In short, I was an insecure 5 year old. Everyone in our group made sure to watch for me, to make sure I was going were I was supposed to, that I kept up as we walked. I finally began hanging on to the straps of the bag of one of my sons high school friends. My son, his wife, and their friends had proactively made plans for this and they worked flawlessly. This is basically were Im at now. I find it very difficult to make plans, understand directions, follow time....again, im a 5 year old. It reminds me so much of going to town with my mother as a 5 year old, being completely dependent on her for my safety as we navigated the streets and aisles of the stores, me holding her purse corner for guidance. Again, the circle continues.
And that, boys and girls, is where I stand now. I’m wondering just how much further I can ride this train before the circle closes just a little more and what I become makes being a 5 year old look enviable. How much longer will it be before I’m unable to feed myself, bathe myself, care for myself in most ways. How long until the circle closes in and I’m an infant again? The drops from one plateau of cognition to another seem to happen so suddenly, at least for me, and almost without warning.
That’s why I’m not willing to give a lot of things just yet that possibly I should. For ex., our 40th anniversary is coming up in April and we’ve been trying to decide on plans to celebrate it. We really want to take a cruise but the thoughts of all that visual stimulation, noise, crowd.... is, to say the least, scary. We’ve gone back and forth over going or staying home and playing it safe. Finally I said screw it. I’m not going to get any better than I am right now so it’s now or never. So we’ve booked a cruise, bought travel insurance, and we’re on our way to the Western Caribbean for our anniversary. Oh Boy!
I may not be able to beat this circle but I’m going to stay at least one step ahead as long as I can. Wish me luck.
Randy
PS- I know there was something I was going to tie in about Appalachia but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was, sorry....
