Things you shouldn’t say to your medical provider

[Poppygail]

Just a short one to relay something I think is hilarious, but take into account that my mind is going, that almost got me beaten by both my wife and my neurologist’s nurse practitioner.

At my last appointment with the NP, at the end of the appointment, after all of the normal dementia stuff was out of the way, she starts asking how my migraines are doing? I’ve seen these folks for some years, for the migraines long before the LDB, so I’m becoming fairly comfortable with them. So, without thinking or hesitation, my response was, “The nuttier I get, the better my headaches get!”.

You could have heard a pin drop. After the two of them got over the initial shock and closed their mouths, I was told we were done and to get out. My wife had more choice words but I won’t go into that now. I thought it was funny.

Sometime later I’ll tell you what you can tell a psychologist to get him to tell you that you’re just plain not to smart! (I like that guy!)

Randy

[jeffcobb Ambassador]

Oh Randy, IMHO, the average trip to the doctors office for us seems to feel like a preview trip of the morgue or something, and anything I can do to liven that place up is fair game in my book. It is the deepest of ironies that those places most bereft of humor are the most perfect targets for the enterprising individual intent on self-entertainment. I was a class clown but more importantly I told you I did magic alot back then and when you add those two together, you get the perfect storm of the class clown that always can get away with it. Much of what I learned from those years is lost now but one trick I still do on new doctors and nurses I don't like is this one (let the missus in on it or not; your gamble bro):

I not only studied standard magic of the time (stage, sleight of hand, etc) I also read alot of how the magicians did things in years past. As recently as the early 1900s the eastern "swamis" were still considered part of the magic profession (not like a religion) and so how they did many of their physical feats I learned. Now while its unlikely I will ever be asked to climb up a rope into the sky in the neurologists office, the swamis were also known for their seemingly magic way of controlling their bodily functions with mere thought. One in particular you will love as someone familiar with anatomy: the swamis used to "stop their heart" on command, starting it up again when they felt like it but the trick is far simpler; they would have a western doctor take their pulse (see how this makes this a perfect doctor office gag) and while the doctor is monitoring the pulse they could slow it down and even stop it with no apparent physical effort, just the mind. Well the true answer is way simpler: running down the inside of your armpit is a major vein or artery, forget which but I know its there, and if you put a small rubber ball into your armpit or even a wadded up bit of paper towel works, when you sort of flex your muscles to squeeze the ball, the pulse in the wrist shuts off. Probably plays holy hell with the blood pressure but I haven't tested that. The pulse thing though is great fun to do on new/young doctors and smart-ass nurses (you know who you are). I mean, if you do it with a straight face and don't crack a smile (harder than one would think) you can get a ton of mileage out of this with no problem. Like I said though, let the missus in on it or not at your own risk. Still funny as hell though. Start it. Stop it. She goes and gets someone; you start it back up; the new person looks at her like she is nuts but takes the pulse anyways. 10 seconds in your stop it, wait for the frown, start it up again, wait for the frown to go away, stop...

Lather, rinse, repeat. Straight face is essential though.