I worked out that my heart problems were being caused by stress from a third party. She was having a long term breakdown and dragging me down with her after a 12 year platonic relationship. No matter what I did to help her it wasn't good enough and everything was my fault. So the stress and anxiety of contact ( we never lived together) got worse and worse. It took me a couple of years, 4 cardeoversions and 2 ablations to accept that it was time to get out of that situation and cut all ties. A ban on contact was made just before I was wheeled into theatre for the last ablation 3 months ago. Since then there had been no contact either way and my health has improved vastly. I can potter around in the garden and the workshop. I've re-decorated the bedroom including carpets up and floorboards replaced, and added electric sockets. Even 2 coats on the ceiling. Still can't walk up hills though without severe breathlessness every 75 yards. My heart still skips a few beats if my phone rings, dreading it might be her, even though she's abiding by the no calls or texts rule. Unfortunately I had to drop an item of hers off yesterday which I found stressful and my heart was thumping as I drove there. All was ok on arrival so the anxiety was unfounded. Last night though I woke up at 2am to that old familiar rapid machine gun heart beat for the first time in 3 months. I tried different positions to hopefully relax realising I'd broken my own rule of no contact .For some reason I took a large breath in and held it for 5 seconds whilst squeezing hard but not expelling the air whilst imagining a regular heartbeat. When I breathed out the regular heartbeat was back.! Still regular this morning I'm glad to say. I don't know how it worked but that big determined breath restored my heartbeat. So back to the no contact rule and stick to it.
Stress and Anxiety : I worked out that... - Atrial Fibrillati...
Stress and Anxiety
It sounds like you've had the trigger for your heart arrhythmia proved doesn't it.
I was in a similar relationship for 13 years and felt so much better heart wise when it ended. I now enjoy complete peace with no one moaning that everyone else on the road are supposedly driving badly. If anyone let a car out from a side road in front of him - well that deserved a blast on the car-horn. So embarrassingly rude and it stressed me greatly. When you look back you wonder why you were daft enough to put up with it all don't you.
Walk really slowly up steep hills and stop and admire what's around you when you feel like it. Remember life and living are not about racing around, it may have been when we were younger, but now we can live our lives at a pace that suits us.
My heart races just about every time I visit my dentist or hygienist. So I know my AF is triggered by stress.
Keeping yourself busy is a good idea, could you also do a voluntary job to help you meet other people?
I'm glad to hear that the breathing technique you used returned you to normal rhythm. Lets hope you stay that way now.
Jean
Hi Jean. Thanks for that reassuring reply and I'm glad you had the courage to leave that relationship and doing well now. Leaving someone with eating disorder, mental health problems and an autistic 28year old daughter (not mine) was difficult but accusations and self distruction was beyond me - and killing me. Life's good now. 3 little dogs, campervan and living in the Cotswolds. 4 lady friends to do lunch with and no complications.
Wishing you well x
Sounds like you have the perfect life now. Wishing you the best of luck and a long and happy life.
Jean
I have a friend with an eating disorder and she’s very hard work. It’s not the eating part of the eating disorder that is the biggest difficulty, it’s the mindset that accompanies with it. One thing I find very wearing about her is her bizarre snobbery. She’s not even that posh! But it’s how everyone she comes into contact is somehow beneath her. She referred to my neighbours as “low life” “scum” and “peasants” just because they had a barbecue, and because they had the audacity to …. put up a garden shed! (Don’t ask me why because I don’t get her reasoning). They’re actually perfectly decent people just doing their best for their family. So where my friend gets her high and mighty attitude from, I don’t know. And it’s not just my neighbours, it’s practically everyone except her chosen few. If she goes on public transport she’s going on about how she doesn’t like “being surrounded by people like that”. Every interaction with her, there’s always something about people who are “scum” and she’s also got some word, something to do with being “evolved” or similar, it’s really ridiculous. She is extremely anxious and also very obsessive. Recently I just couldn’t be bothered with her and I’ve enjoyed having not to walk on eggshells. It’s really hard work. I’ve encouraged her to seek help for her eating disorder and if I’m honest she was very negative about engaging with the programme and sabotaging it, cancelling appointments and so on. I don’t think she’s going to get very far with it. I think she’s had a lifetime of manipulating people by being “special” that goes right back to childhood. I know it’s not the same thing as being in an intimate relationship or a partner, but it’s a long term close friendship and we’ve done a lot things together in previous times so it’s not easy to wind things down if someone has been a significant part of your life.
Walking on on eggshells is exactly as I was. Criticism and put downs. She was a food and health psychologist and everything I did was challenged. The only way to survive that sort of toxic relationship is to get out as soon as possible and cut all ties and enjoy life without stress.
Nothing worse than someone giving a running commentary about everything you’re doing wrong (in their eyes). You’re better off out of it.
Your description of your friend matchs that of a narcissistic personality disorder. She will never change.
No, too late for that now. If anything she’s getting worse
Just wanted to say she sounds like an entitled, malignant narcissist to me! And as many, many people have learned THEY need to be avoided at ANY cost. I not long ago escaped from the emotional and mental entrapment of a friend of mine who I never knew had narcissistic personality disorder. I like you found myself 'walking on eggshells' and couldn't work out what was wrong, why I felt as if I was being cut off from people and secluded for the 'entertainment' of this woman, why what she said contradicted mere reality most of the time! It was only because she was getting older apparently that I was able to see behind the facade she'd adopted for decades to stop people realising what she was. I spoke confidentially to my GP about it as he knew this female and her equally narc, manipulative husband. The GP told me it wasn't me but the wife's NPD. He told me there is no cure for it, to RUN from it as soon as I could, and never look back. I'd never heard of NPD, but I certainly suffered the effects of it. These 'friends' nearly destroyed my life: slandered me online, caused me to have to go to court to stop their incessant entitlement towards me and refusing to give me my privacy, to have to get Police involved due to property of mine 'disappearing' etc etc. (I unfortunately had agreed to tenant a cabin at the back of their country property for 18 months). I lived in fear while there and couldn't get rid of that for about a year after escaping. Malignant narcs are very dangerous people.
Entitled is exactly the word! She really does believe she’s a special person that deserves the lifestyle of someone who is far more affluent and believes her life should be all about going to the opera and riding horses. It’s all a bit pathetic considering that she’s turning sixty and if she hasn’t made her fortune by now it’s not very likely she’s going to any time soon. But there’s always “the law of attraction” fall back on. So she believes if she imagines the life she wants that somehow “attract” it it make it reality. That the “universe” will provide, whatever that is. As if these assorted rocks and gasses in outer space are somehow how to conspire to give her the nice house in the shires and someone to prepare her meals and all the rest of it. Agree, it’s very narcissistic and also very childish.
I've met several people who rave on about the 'Universe' and 'attracting what you want by believing it will happen' or whatever. I find it absolutely ludicrous - it's encouraging people to live in a fantasy world of delusion, which is also of course EXACTLY what malignant narcissism is all about! I prefer reality, and believe this sort of 'fantasy' thinking is very harmful and sets people up for crashing disappointments. I also prefer my faith in the Christian's God, Who I've found by experience is the only One who knows the future and the only One Who has all the answers human beings need to be able to handle it. And He keeps me very real and grounded, for which I am forever grateful.
It’s an extremely selfish and quite childish belief, if I’m honest. There is the expression “the universe doesn’t revolve around you” not in the planetary sense, just that these people believe that they’re always the most important person in the room. My friend has at times said “when I’m rich ..”. Well, how exactly is that wealth going to mysteriously appear in her bank account? Another thing she does is dispense ridiculous advice. For example, she’s telling me I should write a book. How?!! I don’t have the first clue how to write a book! I’m not a writer, and the last thing the world needs is another wannabe novelist without a clue. But she thinks all someone has to do is bash something out, believe that I can “attract” fame and fortune and voila, I’m a millionaire. She’s “advised” another friend about how she needs to retrain in some alt-health field if she wanted to get anywhere in life, but this friend isn’t interested and so she’s now saying “well I did tell her what she should do to make more money but she’s not interested..she has such low expectations” and has also said about this woman that it’s not surprising she comes from a “backward culture”, meaning that she’s Irish! As someone with Irish parents I found this extremely offensive especially from someone who has never set foot in Ireland. But that’s her snobbery and prejudice. I know she’ll very likely similar about me because people like that always do. Toxic people, best avoided.
From the sound of things your friend is not going to be happy until she comes down off her high cloud! 'Pride cometh before a fall', as the saying goes, and she sounds as if she's in for a real shock sooner or later. I agree with you: all this talk of 'the universe will bring it to me' is self-serving and helps no-one. It's also of course based in the imagination - I see it as a form of fortune-telling and trying to manipulate life to do what we want it to do - and I know from my own experience and that of others that that just 'ain't gonna happen'! And your friend will find that out in time. Interestingly, I've just been viewing a video where the speaker was addressing the two types of people in this world we can involve ourselves with: those who have a helpful positive effect on us, who lift us up and help us to be the people we should be, or those who will drag us down and have a harmful influence on us overall - as you say: toxic! He was of course encouraging people to try to avoid the latter and encourage the former, for some people can just drag us into the ditch and into their own eventual destruction. As you obviously already know, some 'friends' we can have can be more like leeches, sucking all strength and goodness from us. Sometimes we need to put our own needs first, and it's good that you seem to be doing just that. Hoping you keep on finding and building up your own path, independence and happiness, Autumn Leaves!
BTW, yes, the stress that arose out of that 18 month horror movie was that I had my first serious bout of A-F about 4 months after I escaped - I've read that stress is a trigger to cause i t.
Life sounds idyllic now! Wishing you well !
I was married to a controlling person for seven years in my twenties, I'm 68 now so it's a distant memory thank goodness. It made my life a misery and yes it was walking on eggshells! Was he going to be nice or very unpleasant which could change in seconds. The day I left I felt like a great weight had been lifted from me.
Whilst I believe that service to others is important, it should not be to the detriment of your own happiness. They have their own path to walk and we do them no favours by enabling these control mechanisms. If we do, then they will learn nothing from this lifetime.
Squeeze every bit of happiness from this lifetime we have been gifted with.☺️🙏💖💖💖
Well said !!❤️
I hope your life is calm now and you can really enjoy taking things at your own pace now. Interesting about your deep breath - it seems to work for me too. Best wishes x
I don't know why I went for the deep breath and holding it at 2am. I was determined to get that heartbeat back and somehow it worked. I wish you a long calm life too x
Morning Heathcliff5815,
I am absolutely positive that my episodes are pretty much 100% caused by stress ad anxiety, I’ve had years of trying to keep the peace between family members, my husband is wonderful and is always there for me and will do anything to help me, and also my daughter, but they have a ‘love hate relationship’ and on occasions have very stressful (to me) arguments, the trouble is they are like ‘peas in a pod) so clash from time to time, so totally understand your view point. I get very jumpy and of course this doesn’t help the old ticker, hope you’re better now 😊😊
Good morning Blueflags.Yes things are improving. Up at 7am, kitchen tidied, downstairs vacuumed and shrubs cut back. Feet up with a cuppa now. Stress gone and doing what I want when I want . Sounds like you need an escape mechanism. When I was going through the divorce the best thing I did was to get a dog. Whenever the atmosphere got nasty I'd take little Harry for a walk, a chat and a cuddle. All good for the heart rate.
Wishing you well x
Hi Heathcliff5815,I too have just recently got out of a 9year Toxic Relationship and I never had any health problems before meeting him. I used to walk on egg shells around him not knowing when he would just explode 🤯 out of the blue. I suffer from depression and anxiety now and 2 ablations later. Funny I was thinking the same thing as maybe there is a connection. I had to get police involved and have now been no contact for 4 months. I feel much more at peace now even though I still get occasional high heart rates. So fingers crossed 🤞 that things can only improve. Enjoying the peace ✌️
Hey Bowcat. Good on you for leaving that toxic relationship. It has to be done for your survival. No matter what, your future can't be destroyed by someone else's problems. It's not your job, as I finally realised it wasn't mine to help someone at your own expense. Stick with that good decision and enjoy doing what you want to do for you. x
Thank you. You too enjoy life and the peace x
Heathcliff, just wanted to let you know it is correct that stress triggers A-F. I've written a little of my fairly recent experience of being diagnosed with A-F a few months after escaping from the control of married past friends of mine who proved to be malignant narcissists, in repply to anoher commenter under your questions. Peace and quiet has become so enjoyable and precious, and I am working on training myself not to worry or focus on stressful events etc. But escaping from control-freak people is absolutely essential for your health!
Well done for that Moongold. We don't need pleasing others, with abuse in return, to rule out lives. I was frequently called to task over something I may have said up to 12years ago and forced to 'own it' and apologise over and over again. The present and the future are so much more important and stressing over a miss-placed comment years ago is pointless. Enjoy now, the future, the peace and time on your own without an agenda. x
Thanks, Heathcliff. Yes, it definitely is abuse, and when you're the one copping it, it's not always easy to get the correct perspective on it - but when we disentangle emotionally, it's like a breath of fresh air coming into your life again! I wish you peace, love and a stress-free life (as much as possible!) also. I think it's terrible (and absurd!) that you were treated this way - 'forced to apologise'?? And over something that happened over a decade prior?? I mean, who do these people think they are?
Stress a factor for sure..
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