Dumb Questions?

[Stoneman60]

Hi fellow ADHDers. I suffer from emotional reactivity (highly sensitive to criticism and defensiveness) and the inability to recall interactions with my non ADHD wife of 20 years. I'm 61, was diagnosed less than a year ago, and on 20mg of Adderral for four months which IMO has helped with the ER. I'm a high performer at work and work from home; my wife is no longer employed so we are together a lot. The pandemic isolation has not helped.

My wife has lost all patience with me and her frustration with me and our relationship comes through through in the tone of her voice in nearly every interaction. A day ago we had a major blowup because she said I asked dumb questions that I could answer myself if I gave it a moments thought (e.g. When she asked my opinion of a 4th of July outfit I asked if the top was black rather than navy blue? She asked me to change the band on her watch to red and reverse the orientation - when I got to the task I could remember only one of the steps and asked her to repeat).

(It should be noted that the blow up happened when I asked if we would benefit from some time apart which she interpreted to be a trial balloon for a separation and divorce. It was not.)

Historically I'd agree to try harder but it seems to me that her request that I not ask dumb questions is unreasonable and more a reflection of her problem than mine. Our arguments tend to center on what I'm doing wrong and not what each of us could do to make things better. Her strategy is to wait for a long period of calm to re-establish the loving connection we once had.

Am I right to question her role in all of this? The reasonableness of her ask that I not ask dumb questions? Am I right to not accept responsibility for all of our problems? Or should I just continue to focus on addressing my own problems and not bring up hers? I just don't know if I can be "perfect" long enough for things to get better on their own.

[jilllewis84]

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. Getting a late diagnosis can provide so much relief -- but then adapting to it can also be very unsettling. I don't have much advice since this is the stage my partner and I are in, but I can definitely reassure you that your conflicts are normal and that many couples get to the other side.

You're right that accountability needs to apply to both of you -- you aren't asking for a free pass for your ADHD, and she doesn't get a free pass to insult or belittle you because she feels frustrated by your ADHD or the help you're asking for. At the same time, it's important to be sensitive to the fact you both probably have a lot of unresolved pain from the last 20 years that's (in some ways) even harder to process knowing that most of those miscommunications and hurt feelings weren't really anyone's fault. (We have this after only 10 years, so I can only imagine at 20!) Melissa Orlov in her book suggests one step of coming back together is to allow yourselves to mourn all that pain and missed connections, while still finding ways to look forward.

You're also right that it probably won't work to just wait for your connection to come back. That *might* be an excuse she's using to protect herself from being vulnerable and all the emotions that reworking your relationship will stir up. That's a pretty understandable reaction if that's the case. Maybe reading a book on marriage and ADHD together or attending a seminar could be healing and helpful for feeling empowered. The Orlov book I mentioned is straightforward and great. Appealing to your partner by painting a picture of the relationship and life you want for you both might be a compelling way to get her onboard.

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

A second reading the Orlov book first and then having your partner read it. You can rent it from the library for free. It offers a lot of insight sharing what common ADHD traits and struggles are, so your partner can see what you are challenged with and start to separate it out from what annoys them.Your partner sounds very insecure. Asking for space is totally reasonable, especially given this last pandemic year and the changes in your frequency of interactions and additional stresses. Orlov stresses that if you go to couples counseling, It is important that you see a counselor who understands ADHD. My ex and I wasted 6 months with a new practitioner who knew nothing about ADHD and had us have tattletale sessions week after week. It was terrible.

For little detail stuff, it might help to carry a little notebook and pen around so you can remember the boring minutiae that she asked you to do, or if your tech savvy, I'd rather command an app on your phone where you can take quick notes. I like Google Keep

Screenshot of how I use Google Keep

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Focusing on your own problems doesn’t seem to be working. You seem well established. Which means you’re given the opportunity to take things slow and explore in a little less drastic manner than taking a break from each other. 20 years is a long time to be in the dark about ADHD in terms of your marriage. It’s not a free pass from past discretions but this new development in your life is an opportunity to really learn from each other. There are things and feeling that you might have had or done in the past that really put your relationship though some trials. Reactions that can be understood a little better now. It’s going to take work with developing habits that help with the emotional reactivity. I am struggling with it also. It takes examination of each thought that caused you to react in such away and develop more productive ways of dealing with those emotional reactions that present actual realities instead of thinking traps. Trust me, everything with these changes will be easier with your wife beside you. Show her some research about ADHD and sit and explore it together. Being blunt to each other for a period of time will only slow progress. Invite her to this website and show her your post and how you really feel. identify thinking errors and better ways to approach the situation.