Something's wrong lately

[uniquecorn]

So, ever since the lockdown started and I finally found time to be with myself, away from all my toxic schoolmates, I've taken up a challenge to create a stable mindset, learning things I've always wanted to, improving my scores in school, and more importantly, learning values and about my passions. It was tough in the beginning but it got better, I could finally stick up to the schedule I made, my scores improved and I also found how passionate I am about coding and dance. I took steps to learn things using google and I used to feel better about myself and I also learned from every mistake I've made in the process. I started working out, meditating, studying more, learning new dance choreographies and various coding language techniques. Somewhere in mid-July, I started losing myself. It probably started with me getting addicted to social media or me feeling lonelier day by day. I started struggling to get up and catching up with my school work, I found my dancing embarrassing, I lost interest in literally anything I used to do. I was pretty sad and slowly my depression started to take over. Then I got into a relationship with this boy I had a crush on for years and he broke up with me the next day he asked me out coz he didn't want a long-distance relationship. He confused me for a while by telling me about how much he likes me (even after the break up) and just ignores my texts for the rest of the month. He always made me feel worse about myself. And after this, I started feeling worse about myself wondering why is it that I always have to face this. I have very few true friends and this might sound a bit lame but inside I feel really bad thinking about why am I always the one getting hurt when all I did was be nice and supportive whenever anyone needed me. I always am the one to spread positive thoughts among my friends, correct them when they're wrong but I, on the inside, am so negative. Any show I watch on TV, I get jealous of how much I wanted a life like that. Any post I find on Instagram, I feel I am wasting my life but cannot do anything about it, as if someone knocked me down and held me there. I've always dreamt of being an influencer and posting about things that matter, things that make a statement but I just feel insecure. Even watching my best friends all happy and doing well in their studies, passions is making me angry and jealous instead of being happy for them. This negativity inside of me is taking over and I have no idea what to do. My depression's even worse, I think of ***** more often, I cry the whole night and hardly get any sleep. All I ever wanted was to be happy and make sure everyone around me stays true.

Guess I've written a lot but it sure feels better just putting my thoughts in words.

[uniquecorn]

Omg, are you fine now? I mean thinking about ***** is worse enough but attempting is something more hurtful. I cannot really say but I always think about people who actually care about me and what this would do to them. You could try that and if that doesn't work just remember those days when you were young and actually wanted to be something when you grow up. Remind yourself about what you wanted to do and just forget about everything that's going wrong or making you sad. I know it's easier said than done but hey, life's hard and we gotta try harder to survive. Thanks for letting me know that I ain't alone in this~ We will be there for each other on this site so sometimes just talking about it eases everything.

[chloe40 Administrator]

I'm sorry to read this uniquecorn Please contact one of the Resources below, I will contact you shortly.

RESOURCES Anxiety UK runs a helpline on weekdays between 9.30am–5.30pm. Tel: [phone]

Beat run a helpline for people experiencing an eating disorder. The telephone number for support and information is 0808 801 0677 open 3pm to 10pm, 365 days a year, or you can email [e-mail]

BIpolar UK has an information and support line open weekdays, 9am - 5pm on 0333 323 3880

CALM. If you’re a man experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is there to support you. They’re open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58, and they also have a webchat service if you’re not comfortable talking on the phone.

Mind doesn’t offer a crisis line but gives plenty of support and information. Tel: [phone] (Mon-Fri, 9am – 6pm, except Bank Holidays). Email: [e-mail] Text: 86463

OCD Action helps those affected by OCD. Tel: [phone], email [e-mail] or find out about local support groups in your area. OCD UK has an advice line usually open weekdays between 10am–4pm. Tel: [phone], or you can email them at [e-mail]

Papyrus - are a national charity for the prevention of young suicide. They offer a specialist telephone service staffed by trained professionals who give non-judgemental support, practical advice and information to children, teenagers and young people up to the age of 35. Tel: [phone] Email [e-mail] or text 07786 209697 Opening hours Mon-Fri: 10am-10pm, weekends: 2pm-10pm & Bank Holidays: 2pm-5pm

Rethink Mental Illness directly supports almost 60,000 people every year across England to get through crises, to live independently and to realise they are not alone. Tel [phone] (Monday to Friday 9.30am – 4pm).

Samaritans is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, to listen to anything that is upsetting you, including intrusive thoughts and difficult thoughts of suicide and self-harm. Freephone: 116 123 Email them [e-mail] or visit them at your local branch. Samaritans also offer a Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (from 7pm–11pm only, seven days a week). SANE offers emotional support and information from 4:30pm–10:30pm, 365 days a year. Tel: [phone]

[uniquecorn in reply to chloe40]

Thanks for these resources. If something gets deeper than just thoughts, I will think about contacting and reaching out for help.