I need the opinion of an outsider to my problem, not a professional answer just an honest thought. I have a lot of trouble with who I am and how I act. For the longest time I've convinced myself that it’s okay to go out of your way for people and that seeing them happy makes me happy. I, however, completely misunderstood the whole meaning of going out of your way for people. I went “above and beyond” and I don't mean getting people gifts, instead I'm talking about a more psych related way in which I over did myself. I began acting how I think people would want me to act and because of this, today, I have great difficulty with being myself and honest about how I feel. I'd gotten so used to acting like things are okay and not confronting people about what bothers me. Which is why, I have all this pent up anger and whenever I do something wrong and am being confronted by it I feel so angry. I get upset because I wish someone would've been there for me when I was happy go lucky yet I wasn't. If anything people loved me then, I mean, I was a great friend, great child, great student. Now that I'm doing bad everyone seems to want to pay attention to me and tell me how wrong I am(which I probably am) or to leave me. Nevertheless, not being noticed for the good things that I used to do takes away my attention form the main issue, that is me, this is because I get so defensive when I’m being accused of something due to the reminder that no one noticed when I would do good things. After a while I’ve realized that overdoing yourself isn’t something people are going to be grateful for. I have a hard time accepting that I am wrong and when I do I have a hard time getting myself back up because I’m afraid of failing again. I'm afraid of people's reactions and I'm afraid of being wrong. I feel as if I make one mistake and people make it such a big deal, even I myself do. I feel so guilty that I literary let it consume me and I can't even act okay for 5 minutes. The easy thing to say is ‘start by being honest’, but I've tried and trust me I might be doing good for a while, that is until I mess up. I'll do something I shouldn't which mostly happens when I go out of my way and therefore complicate a situation. I hate disappointing people. I know that something must've gone wrong for me to change this drastically. In no way am i blaming others though. In my opinion, a strong personality is one that doesn't change even when in bad situations. I am very aware of things, but I don't know how to change them or I just see them too differently. When people complain to me about certain things that I've done, yet they've done the same things to me, I get upset because I realize that I never complained about what they'd done.
I would love to get professional help, but that is not an option for me due to plenty of reasons, so you guys are all I have. Please do share your opinions on my situation, tell me something I may not be aware of...
