Sorry, I’m back on to The Smiths again there’s something about them that when you’re feeling down they can lift you temporarily. This time I’ve moved on to “Strangeways, Here We Come” album, it could be any number of tracks that could describe my current mood, “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before” or “I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish”. Well, my birthday is looming, I’ll be 37, an age I’m not looking forward to and what do I have to show for it? Not a lot. A teaching career that ended prematurely even before my training had been completed. Thank you tics. I don’t have a lot to show for my life so far, a few Smiths albums, and a wardrobe full of clothes I’ve never worn. It’s a sad state of affairs. I look at women that are the same age as me and see what they have achieved, careers, children, their own home. I don’t feel jealous, I just feel like I’ve let myself down, today I’m feeling completely done-in I’m trying my best to prove myself to myself (does that make sense – you know what I mean) and I suppose to everyone also that I am a worthy person and that I am as good as the next statue, sorry neuro-typical person and that I can do as good a job as anyone else and worthy of having the trappings of normality – you know, job, car, kids etc. I’ll probably never have children due to the fact that I have endometriosis so at least I deserve a reasonable go at some kind of career.
After spending an inconceivable time being on the dole my self-worth has taken a nose-dive, my confidence has never been particularly high and my delicate ego can take a battering at the slightest hitch, this week has certainly been testing, I’m still feeling stressed although it’s 11.20 on a Friday evening, there’s now way I can sleep and I’ve tried relaxing using the CD that my Habit Reversal Training therapist gave me but I just can’t focus, I’m so wound up. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, there just seems to be barrier after barrier appearing in front of me. I’m a ticcing nightmare, completely out of synch in a female kind of way full of mouth ulcers and cold sores. Is it normal to get this stressed? Do statues feel like this?
For my own self-worth I NEED to deliver, I NEED to exceed the expectations that people have of me as a person with TS, I felt like such an idiot last Wednesday when my business start-up advisor turned up and I couldn’t show him anything because I’d got myself into such a panicky mess I completely forgot about him and my business plan. (Poor show for a budding entrepreneur). Then I couldn’t find any accommodation in London to do my work experience (mandatory work related activity) so now I have to try and cram three days into one day that includes a bus, train and tube, 2-3 hours, (public transport is a major tic trigger). The sensible option would be working at home but my broadband is down. Research is at a standstill, contacting suppliers for my business is at a standstill, I’m feeling quite cut off, I’m feeling quite traumatised as my tics are almost unbearable, I don’t feel like going any further than the edge of my village (library to use computers with internet access) I not going to eat anything that I can’t get in the village shop, so when I run out of soya mince that’s it, it’s just chick peas from now on.