“I’ve come to wish an unhappy birthday” (Unhappy Birthday – The Smiths)

[catherinem]

Sorry, I’m back on to The Smiths again there’s something about them that when you’re feeling down they can lift you temporarily. This time I’ve moved on to “Strangeways, Here We Come” album, it could be any number of tracks that could describe my current mood, “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before” or “I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish”. Well, my birthday is looming, I’ll be 37, an age I’m not looking forward to and what do I have to show for it? Not a lot. A teaching career that ended prematurely even before my training had been completed. Thank you tics. I don’t have a lot to show for my life so far, a few Smiths albums, and a wardrobe full of clothes I’ve never worn. It’s a sad state of affairs. I look at women that are the same age as me and see what they have achieved, careers, children, their own home. I don’t feel jealous, I just feel like I’ve let myself down, today I’m feeling completely done-in I’m trying my best to prove myself to myself (does that make sense – you know what I mean) and I suppose to everyone also that I am a worthy person and that I am as good as the next statue, sorry neuro-typical person and that I can do as good a job as anyone else and worthy of having the trappings of normality – you know, job, car, kids etc. I’ll probably never have children due to the fact that I have endometriosis so at least I deserve a reasonable go at some kind of career.

After spending an inconceivable time being on the dole my self-worth has taken a nose-dive, my confidence has never been particularly high and my delicate ego can take a battering at the slightest hitch, this week has certainly been testing, I’m still feeling stressed although it’s 11.20 on a Friday evening, there’s now way I can sleep and I’ve tried relaxing using the CD that my Habit Reversal Training therapist gave me but I just can’t focus, I’m so wound up. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, there just seems to be barrier after barrier appearing in front of me. I’m a ticcing nightmare, completely out of synch in a female kind of way full of mouth ulcers and cold sores. Is it normal to get this stressed? Do statues feel like this?

For my own self-worth I NEED to deliver, I NEED to exceed the expectations that people have of me as a person with TS, I felt like such an idiot last Wednesday when my business start-up advisor turned up and I couldn’t show him anything because I’d got myself into such a panicky mess I completely forgot about him and my business plan. (Poor show for a budding entrepreneur). Then I couldn’t find any accommodation in London to do my work experience (mandatory work related activity) so now I have to try and cram three days into one day that includes a bus, train and tube, 2-3 hours, (public transport is a major tic trigger). The sensible option would be working at home but my broadband is down. Research is at a standstill, contacting suppliers for my business is at a standstill, I’m feeling quite cut off, I’m feeling quite traumatised as my tics are almost unbearable, I don’t feel like going any further than the edge of my village (library to use computers with internet access) I not going to eat anything that I can’t get in the village shop, so when I run out of soya mince that’s it, it’s just chick peas from now on.

[Bootgates]

Hi Catherinem

I'm going to start by giving you a big hug.Are you ready? Here it comes cos it's a big one...HUG!!!

There, I hope you caught it, because from what I just read seems like you need it.

Seems to me lots of things going on here. Some are contributing factors.

You are depressed. For lots of different reasons,but the thing with the depression 'coin' is to find the positive side, you have to try to find this & I hope I can help you.

Negative Side:

1) Smiths

2) Everyones better than me: family, children,career

3) I failed at teaching

4) Mouth Ulcers/Cold Sores

5) Stress/ Tiredness

Positive side coin (how to deal with too)

1) I, too, like the Smiths, but too much of them can have a negative impact too.

Even if you find it lifts you temporarily. Try other music, maybe try coupling it with relaxation techniques too.

2)Stop trying to measure yourself against other people. Difficult I know from personal experience. Just because other people are married, doesn't mean they're necessarily happy,faithful or going to stasy married. Likewise, just because some people have children, doesn't necessarily mean they should have children do they?

3) Train at something else. Okay you didn't make the grade with teaching it wasn't meant for you. Probably just as well if you think about the stress levels with some of the little 'oiks' in school. Sounds like you had a lucky escape really. I feel this is so because I used to want to be a teacher, but kids are cruel. It would take some-one who had perhaps a much milder tic & low level stress & confidence about their tic to explain it to the children & be able to 'take it on the chin' so to speak if kids did a certain amount of teasing. Not sure I could handle that one personally.

4a)Mouth Ulcers -Possible Lack of B Vitamins,particularly B12, Iron & Folate.

Cold sores- Possible Lack of Vitamins A,B,C & E

4b) Above shows lack of care. Just because you may feel no-one else cares, doesn't mean you shouldn't. Why shouldn't you of all people care about yourself?

There's no law against it after all.

Also you didn't mention how long you've had these ulcers/cold sores. If you have tried the above vitamins before & you still have them, then see your doctor as there could be underlying issues hindering your health. Especially as you have endometriosis & some mouth ulcers can be indicative of stress & also of inflammatory bowel problems. Not trying to scare but to care!

5) Stress & Tiredness- I find makes my tics worse. This is the hardest one of all to tackle, if left untreated also cause depression in itself.

I imagine you already know all the different stress techniques ? A lot are generally good so keep on keeping on.

One tip I find helps as I'm prone to it, is organisation. I do try to be organised as I find it helps with the stress. It gives you a bit more control.

Maybe find some others on the internet when your broadband back up.

Who is your internet provider may I ask?

Is it possible you could find a better internet provider?

Overall then,if you're looking after yourself on a general level it would be a little bit easier.

Otherwise you're just making the negative pile stack that bit higher & harder to overcome for yourself.

Also endometriosis is a very painful condition as I know people with the condition. Regular pain like that is depressing in itself but it is also hindered by the fact that endometriosis is a hormonal problem too, which also causes depression.

So, Comparing yourself depression + Sense of Failure Depression + Mouth Ulcers/cold sores/Endometriosis depression + Stress/Tiredness Depression + Long Term Depressing Music Depression = A Lot of depression.

'The World is a hard enough place without us making it harder for ourselves' Besides you have us here at the HealthUnlocked community, we are the padded walls you can come & 'bang your head here' & we'll take the metaphoric blows.

Take care of yourself, Thinking of you & hope you choose to walk in the light.

Love

Debs

x

[catherinem]

Thanks Debs, I'm feeling a lot better this morning, the mouth ulcer in the throat has almost gone. I'm feeling more organised this morning despite West Midlands Travel missing out buses at 8.50 and 9.05, finally one turns up at 9.20 making me 20mins late, but heyho it can't be helped. I must now get on with my work. I'm a closet workaholic on the dole.