It’s Saturday night, I should be out having fun, but I’m not, far from it. With regards to my mental health I always seem to struggle with the weekends, I’m not sure why this is, it’s probably the onslaught of really awful so called entertainment programmes on TV so therefore I’m left with my own thoughts or just some kind of 7 day mood cycle. One of the reasons I write this blog is as a way of trying to add some kind of logic to my c****y state of mental health, usually it’s the depression that gets to me, but gradually over the last few days it’s been the constant obsessive thoughts that have left me in a constant state of AAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! (Sorry, I couldn’t think of a suitable word to describe that emotion). I feel like banging my head against a wall but that’s not going to do any good, nor is drinking a copious amount of red wine either, so instead I’ll opt for the cathartic experience of blog writing.
Even though at this present time I’m trying to block out these thoughts with a dose of The Pixies, it’s not working. Since this morning these thoughts have fallen into 3 categories, or rather 3 separate areas of concern, 3 separate issues. I’ll deal with them in chronological order.
Issue 1 – Why I did this is anyone’s guess, but as I’m now in what is an open relationship I thought I might try a bit of internet dating, and surprise, surprise I got a date! The date went quite well so I thought, so there’s me expecting that there would be a second date, however I think I’ve got that wrong. I don’t understand this man’s behaviour, he blows hot and cold, first he would love to see me blah, blah…then he remembers that it’s Ramadan and that as well as not eating or drinking during daylight hours he should also refrain from any relations. The bit I’m confused about is why was he on a dating website if firstly he’s a practicing Muslim and secondly it’s the month of Ramadan???? I have quizzed him on this issue and it appears as though he has a similar level of control as me – virtually none. So I’m leading a good Muslim boy astray. So of course being the month of Ramadan he has un-learnt all those skills he has acquired such as the ability to send texts to say a simple “hello” I can’t see how that can lead to anything more, or do I have aspie tendencies that leaves me thinking that this is just ridiculous and really I should just block him and delete his number and write this episode off. Until September in his mind anyway. (Men??!!! Strange creatures???)
Issue 2 – Why I’m constantly afflicted with obsessional thoughts of a gynaecological matter is anyone’s guess, but at this moment I’m having the second longest period, the longest being 3 ½ weeks long when I was first given the Depo Provera shot to try and control my endometriosis. This one is now over 2 weeks, and uncomfortable in an unusual way, so of course when I went to see my GP to get a sick note to claim ESA I explained my symptoms, and also the fact that I’ve just recently re-started taking the pill. Without examining me (despite this being a painful and embarrassing experience it would have set my mind at rest) she thought I had thrush so therefore sent me away with a prescription. Before I had see my GP my mind had been spinning around, I had thought that it could be thrush, quite a common thing, easily sorted, no problem, but of course coupled with the bleeding and some pain the thrush in my mind had developed in to an endometriosis or fibroid related problem (endo cysts can burst causing pain and bleeding, fibroids can twist and can become detached) then my mind moved to my cervix, the very same cervix that worried the nurse who gave me my last smear test, cervix problems can lead to bleeding and pain, it could be cervical cancer, what if it’s been going on for a long time…….I’m still worried even though I’ve been using what was prescribed, but obviously if things don’t alter over the next few days I’m back to the GP.
Issue 3 – This has only become apparent today, ‘im indoors went out last night and met up with is brother. I went to bed at about 12, I texted him as I assumed that he would be home a bit later. I woke up at about 8.30 by my mobile ringing, it was my boyfriend, he wasn’t at home, he spent the night in the cells, arrested for drunk driving. (What a t**t) After a few choice words I hung up and of course naturally the scenarios started to escalate. It’s inevitable he will lose his driving licence for at least a year plus a hefty fine, which is well deserved, but obviously this will impact on me, practically it costs much more for 2 people to bus it everywhere rather than bike it. No more nice ride outs. Shopping will be sooo stressful. It will cost us £6.80 for both of us to get into Coventry city centre. That’s big bucks to somebody on the dole. Apart from these practical issues my mind has been thinking what might happen if he was sent to jail, I would have to move house, could I cope with that stress? He’s in court in 10 days. He needs a sharp kick up the backside to see the error of his stupid ways, but if he was sent to jail I’d be lost.