Just want someone to talk to...

[moonpie]

Hi, I feel I just need to spill.

I have always had problems with my weight and the way I look due to bullying throughout all my school years, which was a while ago now as now in my last year of uni.

For some reason over this summer I started to seize up whenever it came that I needed to eat, the fear was awful. I tried pulling myself together and I ate just because my family were so worried. Over the summer I lost half a stone in a week and then because my family were so upset I forced myself to eat more but I also started exercising more, but I still put on 4lbs. Now I'm back in uni without my family I have lost 9lb in 8 days and I am back to obsessing with food and exercise.

Everyday I feel the need to weigh myself. Every single days food is planned so I know exactly what I am going to eat which is never over 1000kcals, I also burn at least 600kcals a day.

I am constantly looking at food pictures on the internet just so I can fantasize about eating what I want, but no matter how much I would like a chocolate I feel repulsed by the thought of eating one.

I know I have a problem and the only reason I want it sorted is for my families sake not for my own, as in all honesty I don't really want to stop this. I feel so lost.

Anyone that could and would like to simply talk to me about this and their experiences would be so good.

( Sorry for big post I haven't been able to say this as I don't want to scare my friends and family anymore and I just needed to get it all out as I feel I am going to explode)

[StarB]

I think you should seek help.. Talk to a professional.. You need someone to make you see that there is SO much more to life than being stick thin! What happens when you get there? No one is or will ever benefit from you being ill. Trust me I know how difficult it is.. And the guilt that comes with the fact that you're putting your family through the pain of this eating disorder. Only you can change this. I still struggle but hadn't given up yet. I still believe that one day I will be okay. Life is better without a eating disorder, you have to believe that! If you don't start fighting it now it just gets worse. I dont know how supportive your family are but ask them for help! I hope you don't think I'm being harsh and I really do understand how difficult it is. I've been suffering from anorexia/bulimia for 5 years now and I'm scared, but please don't give up x

[moonpie]

I am seeing a counsellor on wednesday for the first time as I really don't want to hurt anyone. The frustrating thing is that you have the logical voice in your head telling you that life could be so much more enjoyable if you did just enjoy food and thought about something else but you never listen to that clever voice! I know I will be so much happier in life if I can sort this. They are very supportive but I know how distressed they would be if I told them the extent of it as I am so far away in uni so I want to try and solve this problem without them knowing.

I really appreciate your words and encouragement, I am sure you know that sometimes you just need to say it all and especially to people that understand what you are going through. I tried telling a friend and she just says "well just eat" and doesn't understand how hard it is. Thank you and it is inspiring and encouraging to speak to someone else who is trying to fight it xx

[StarB]

i know exactly what you mean. i spent 4 months in a rehabilitation center so i know how to recover its just so so hard.. i completely understand not telling your family. i still live at home and am doing my absolute best to hide the fact that im struggling. im convinced i can do it on my own.

im so pleased youre seeing a counselor. i know you have the strength to fight this.. everyone does its just being brave enough.. and building up the energy to really do something about it. i honestly know how you feel and while im giving you this advice im failing to take it myself i just keep trying to tell myself one day this will all get easier.. but when will that day come? its a constant fight that i seem constantly disappointed with as i feel like i never win x x

[moonpie]

Wow, you must be hiding it so well, that must be so hard for you...it's hard enough as it is I imagine but trying to hide it must be so horrible for you.

I am a little worried that I will not get much help, because although I have lost weight quickly I am still a bmi of 19.78 so not underweight yet, but I am scared that if I don't get help now then by the time I do get to a bmi of 18.5 or below I will be really ill, because I am feeling ill now.

You will win, as you said to me the fact you are trying to fight it means that you will get through this. It is so hard and there are always little setbacks it seems but the fact you are admitting you need and want to beat it, I truly believe means that you will. Be strong and know that you can do this. Xx

[StarB]

If you continue to aim lower it will never stop, never be good enough .. You will constantly be persuaded by the ED that you need to lose more. It's amazing how your perception and way of thinking becomes so different as you lose more and more weight and not in a good way.

Carry on fighting! I'm here If you need chats and would love to hear your progress! Slip ups do not mean that you've failed.. Giving up completely does! Remember that! X x x

[moonpie]

Oh I am definitely aware of this...just worried that until I'm scientifically underweight that they won't help me. It's crazy how perception works as I still feel I look the same as I did when I was at my most heaviest about 2 years ago when I was about 2st heavier.

You too! Be strong. Would love chats to hear how you are doing too, I hope everything goes so well that you only have amazing stuff to tell me but I will always be here for those harder times too. Xxx

[crazycrossstitcher]

Please, please seek help. My ED started at uni and I look back and recognise now that if I'd got help then - when my weight wasn't dangerously low - life could have been so different. I know I tried to hide everything from my family - but, although it was hard - I shared with them my struggles and actually - although they couldn't understand as they'd not been there - they were amazingly supportive.

You may find there's a uni counsellor who can help - but I think a specialist unit would be better for you - don't feel bad - admitting the problem is the start of the battle - and in my experience doing it alone doesn't work - you do need that help. SO don't hold back - tell them exactly how you feel. I wish I'd taken a year out and got myself better - even going to a specialist unit away from home etc - its worth getting your life back - don't let the ED tell you otherwise.

Keep talking.

[bumblebee20]

Pls pls continue to be open and honest even with your family. They'll be sad and worry but believe me, it will get worse for u and them if u continue to lose weight. A single comment made me realise I was ill and it was hen my mum asked 'when it was all going to stop' I replied 'when I feel thin' she said ' you'll be 5stone and still never be thin enough...' i realised she was right. The only winners of anorexia are unfortunately no longer with us. And that's sad. Speak to ur family u will need them x x x

[moonpie]

I do want to tell them everything but I would just feel so awful knowing how it would upset them so much and how powerless they would feel. If when I speak to the counsellor tomorrow she recommends I get more medical help then I will, just for them really.

Thankfully for them I am still eating 3 'meals' a day as I promised I would but they still don't add up to more than 1000kcals ever, as I do eat 3 times but only tiny things but if I hadn't promised that I don't know if I would be eating at all, but the guilt of eating does always mean a huge workout.

The hard thing is that half of my friends keep saying stuff like "oh wow your body is so beach body at the minute, you look so good" because they don't know and I want to scream at them as 1. I don't see it and 2. hearing that encourages me that people are noticing.

It's so hard isn't it?

And it's so true that you set a weight and then the minute you reach it, it is never good enough and you lower it again and again. It does seem that nothing will ever be enough.

Thank you guys for talking X x