I want to stop ED before it's too late

[Luphelia]

Hello, I am new and I came here in hope of sharing my troubles, because right now, I can't think of anyone in my entourage with whom I can be open about my problems.

I'm 22 years old, and I've already been through two torturous years of anorexia/bulimia that started when I was seventeen, that I luckily overcame, and of that I am rather proud. After that I resumed a normal diet, I've never had really bad eating habits, I don't like fast-food, I hate soda or any kind of soft drink, I eat my fair share of fruits, vegetables, proteins and all, and my lifestyle allows me to walk long distances everyday. However, I am one of those who really love sweet things, I really can't deprive myself of pastries and all... So I regained weight after my anorexia, that made me deeply miserable for a while, but with support and care I got over that feeling and gradually got back to being the somewhat well-balanced joyful girl I once was, yet even then I still haven't really been comfortable with my body, I always feel uneasy in my swimsuit or evening dress, I have a specific way of dressing that makes me feel comfortable and allows me to hide those body parts that I feel ashamed of, but I never fell into eating disorders again... until recently.

Four days ago, in our house, when I was about to sit down on the couch in an about 80 centimeter wide space between my mother and my brother, my brother said :" Sit somewhere else, you won't fit between us", ridiculous as it may sound, that sentence broke my heart, it's scary how sometimes one single sentence from someone can push you into hell, while I did easily fit in between him and mother, I was still devastated, how huge do I look if he thought I wouldn't fit in such a large space? So I thought to myself :"That's it, enough uneasiness and discomfort, I'm tired of being hurt by every single remark on my body, from now on I will start losing weight until I am satisfied with my image."

And then, overnight, I just stopped eating, I haven't eaten anything for 4 days, while there was that voice inside that tells me :"You don't wanna go through another tormenting phase of eating disorders" I still can't bring myself to eat anything, I'm scared of that overwhelming guilt I would feel if I ate, and I'm scared of rebounding or developping binge-eating disorder if I started eating again. I can't stop obsessing about my weight, I spend a lot of time searching for diets and ways to lose weight, I cry everytime I look at my body, and sometimes I cry for no reason at all, I feel constantly irritated and vulnerable, I avert my gaze evertime I pass by a mirror, I find it impossible to enjoy anything, I feel an urge to stab the body parts I'm uncomfortable with, I wish I could erase them, make them disappear. All these feelings seem very familiar.

I would welcome any advise from anyone because I am aware that right now my insecurities and fears are preventing me from seeing reason, I certainly don't want to suffer ED again, I just want to be happy, I want to enjoy my holidays, I want to be well-balanced and confident, but that too seems very hard and distant.

[Agora1]

Luphelia, first of all, I'm so proud of you in overcoming your ED at one time. Please don't allow one crude remark from your brother who probably in jest said something hurtful to you that night. 4 days in going without eating is not healthy as well as throwing off your electrolytes. Have you talked with you mom regarding your hurt feelings when he said that. Do you have an ED therapist you can contact. You don't want to go through the torment again, I know you don't. You won once and can do it again but you need help.

There are many on the forum who will reply to your post. Those who have gone through the same issues as you. I can only relate from seeing my own daughter going through the fear of eating. Reach out for help, this is about your life not your brothers. xx

[MEJones]

Hi Luphelia

I’m so sorry to hear that one throw away comment from your brother has triggered your ED thoughts and made you feel like you’re not good enough. I know the ED will tell you otherwise but I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said, unfortunately ED’s are awful and add so much more, for want of a better word weight to simple words and fly away comments.

Well done for overcoming this illness before, From personal experience I know how hard it is but also how good it is. Remember back to when you first recovered and how much healirher your brain felt and how much easier your days were when you weren’t being controlled. You’re 4 days in to your ED coming back so the sooner you can find the strength to change the better, 4 days is a long time to go without any food, so please please try to eat something, anything, even. If it’s a tiny mouthful of a “safe food” if you find liquids easier then a glass of fruit juice will be better than nothing.

I know how scary the guilt is and how overwhelming it feels when you’re in the eye of the storm, but having an active ED aid so much worse! Do you have access to a therapist you can talk to about your body issues? It would seem that alongside the anorexia you’re suffering from quite intense body dysmorphia which is only fuelling the ED, hopefully if you could talk this through with someone then the ED thoughts would lessen. It’s difficult to learn to accept yourself and to feel like you are worthy, but you’re so young and have your whole life ahead of you, it doesn’t need to be a life of sadness and unhappiness because you are a valuable human being with so much to offer, everyone is unique and brings a certain magic to the world. You have a whole wealth of magic qualities that the world deserves to see. Could you confide in a family member who could maybe sit with you whilst you eat? Having someone hold you to account might give you the push you need to eat something.

From your words it’s obvious you’re deeply unhappy and don’t want t to go back to suffering from an ED, and you don’t have to, you’ve done what seemed like the impossible and recovered before and you can do it again, the strength you found the first time is still within you and if you can harness it, you will be free from your ed again. x xx

[Luphelia in reply to MEJones]

Hello MEJones. I'd like to thank everyone for the replies, your concern alone has already made me feel better. I'm used to not talking about my EDs with anyone, my mother is a very sensitive woman and is herself a bit depressive, I know she would make a fuss if I told her anything about this. While I know my father cares for me, I don't feel like I can confide in him, he is tactless and he doesn't really understand me, many times did I try to open up to him and his words ended up hurting me even more. As for my friends and siblings, talking to them about my weaknesses would be awkward and shameful.

But at least through the anonymity of the internet, I can be as open as I can. I had an important exam today and I couldn't take it while I couldn't even walk straight, so I allowed my self a piece of bread and a bit of cheese. As I feared, after the exam, guilt took over me and I locked myself in my room crying all my tears out. But after I've calmed down a bit I took the decision to start eating again, little by little, I don't have to fear guilt anymore since I've already been through it today.

Thanks again for the replies everyone ^_^ , I guess if sometimes words have the ability to break your heart and make you do crazy things, words can also lift you and help you out of difficult situations.

[MEJones in reply to Luphelia]

Well done luphelia a little bit of bread and cheese might seem really silly to people who don’t understand but this is a huge step forward and one that will hopefully be the first step on your journey to recovery. I’m really sorry you can’t confide in your family but you’re not alone, we are all here to support you and and encourage your recovery. You owe it to yourself to be happy and live a life full of possibility, new experiences and wonder. Keep up the eating, even if it’s a little bit more each day, remember that tears can’t and won’t hurt you but not eating will. Cry it out as much as you need to because it will make you feel better, it doesn’t make you weak it just makes you human I wish you nothing but every success and great, great happiness for the future, because yours can be bright and free from the shackles of an ED. xxx

[joanna21 in reply to Luphelia]

Well done Luphelia , you are strong and you deserve to stay on track. Your last paragraph at the end of your post was very powerful & has brought tears to my eyes. You are indeed so right - words can be so powerful - for good as well as bad. I wonder if you could to speak to your brother about what he said . I doubt if he meant to cause harm . Yes maybe he should know better after what you have gone through but people don't always think & going forward how will he learn if no one says anything to him. There is unfortunately still so much ignorance around EDs but the only way this can improve is by sufferers & carers talking about what helps & what doesn't. Stay strong & please don't succumb to the ED again- you are worth so much more . With love xx

[crazycrossstitcher]

No one realises how a silly remark can have such deep and propounding effects - a throw away comment that has thrown you back into your ED thoughts. Suggest you access an ED service for some counselling support to bring you back on track. ABC also have a helpline and befrienders who I am sure would help you. After your amazing recovery journey don't let this one comment push you back to that place. It might also help you to look at the issues around your confidence and poor body image - so do get some counselling.