My Bulimia is out of control

[CrimsonRose24]

I have struggled with an eating disorder for 9 years now. I have not been diagnosed by a doctor, but my guess is I have EDNOS, because I go back and forth between bulimia and anorexia. Most of the time however I would say I am bulimic... it was at 13 years old when my distorted body image came into play. I thought I looked fat (I was no where near fat, I was borderline underweight) and needed to lose weight, and compared myself to pictures in magazines and told myself if I didn’t look like that I wasn’t good enough. At fifteen years old is when I first started restricted my food and at 17 I binged and purged for the first time. I am now 24 and am still struggling. Two years ago I weighed 90 lbs (I am 5’ 7”) and that’s when my doctor started freaking out, threatening to get a court order to send me to a rehab center. So I forced myself to gain weight. I have been between 110 and 115 lbs now for two years. Keeping it at that number is hard but I know I have to. I still see myself as fat, I grab at my stomach and wish I was thinner all the time. I can never just eat healthy food and be fine. I either starve myself all day, or I binge and purge. I don’t know how I don’t weigh less than I do to be completely honest.

This is really hard and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop 😪

[crazycrossstitcher]

I suggest a return to your doctor - its great that you have gained weight and remained stable, but gaining weight is only part of the battle - looking at the underlying reasons behind your view of yourself and your interaction with food is vital if you are to free yourself of this illness. ABC has useful advice - and also befrienders who can support you - so that might be another way forward. A good start to the new year would be to seek further treatment and support - how great to be free at next new year.