I don't know what I want.

I'm 22 and I have struggled with both anorexia and bulimia since I was about 14 years old. I've relapsed multiple times and now I don't whether or not I want to continue being sick just so I can look thinner and feel better about myself or move past it. Help.

[Agora1]

eg95, but I think you do know what you want. Continually being sick in order to look thinner is not living. I think this is the start of you making changes in your life for the better. I wish my daughter were thinking this way. I wish you well in going forward in getting the help you need in feeling better. x

[Smarsh]

This is exactly what happened with me. I'm also 22, struggling since 13/14, mainly anorexia, bits of EDNOS/purge disorder. I totally understanding the feeling of not knowing what you want - flitting between huge regret over wasting your teenage years and wanting to put it all behind you, and then moments later wanting to be ill forever because sometimes being skinny feels like the easier option.

Until recently I'd resigned myself to the idea that I'd just be stuck in this relapse/recovery cycle for my whole life and I just needed to deal with it. But I started therapy again in February and it has really changed how I think. I thought I was mostly recovered because my eating was vaguely normal and my weight was healthy, but the therapist pointed out a whole bunch of things that were still disordered, that I hadn't even recognised, that were keeping me in that cycle. And for the first time ever I now believe that full recovery is possible and *is* more inviting than being ill forever. It's not easy. And I still get very tempted to just give up and stop eating, but the thought of living life to the full without this massive chain weighing me down is much more inviting.

You can do it. Life is so much more exciting than you know. Find a good therapist and/or a good support network. Write down all the positives of recovery and plaster them all over your room. Find things in your life that you care about more than being thin - friends, family, hobbies, work, faith. And don't give up, you've got a lot of life left to live. x

[Agora1 in reply to Smarsh]

Smarsh, thank you for sharing your enlightening story. I hope it helps others in knowing that life can be good if you are first, good to yourself. Wishing you continued success in going forward. x

[crazycrossstitcher]

You sound to be at the point when you are prepared to get and accept help - ABC have lots of useful advice - and telephone support - suggest you visit your GP and ask to be referred to an ED specialist - it might take time to get the appointment - but from long experience - trying to do it alone doesn't always work. Good luck - start the recovery journey now - don't think things will be different tomorrow - been there too - always going to change tomorrow!!!