Hiding from the world

[jfk71]

Hey guys....have been hiding from the world lately. Managed to eat a little for a few days, then couldn't handle it so started purging. Am so scared for my little lads ( 2 sons) emotional well-being. Have just sobbed like a baby ,apologising for my failings to them both and tried to do explain its not their fault they don't have a normal mammy. My poor baby's tried to comfort me ....I fucking hate myself but felt so proud that I could hold my own when I cooked them dinner

I just want it all to stop. I wamt y.little boys to have a normal mum,a normal life. I don't ever want to have to hear their tears and their apologies that they are making it hard for me. Am so close to giving up and letting them be happy

[cesl]

Don't give up. I can't relate to you as I don't have any children. But you have two wonderful children who you adore and who adores you back. You are a wonderful and strong mother to be going through this and looking after your family. You can do this. Give yourself some credit you still are able to look after them and feed them. I'm sure they are happy with thier mum. Without them would you be happy? You all need each other. Hugs

[jfk71 in reply to cesl]

Hey thanks. You know you crave a fairytale.... Social media portrays happy lives that for the most part aren't actually real. Most of us hide behind a ' happy mask' ....I suspect even without this illness you would not be Happy.... Like most of us you are searching for an ideal. What is happiness after all....each of us has our own definition .... You know I said I love my sons to the moon and back but I wish I didn't have them to suffer me...I don't mean I wish I had never had them though... If you understand the difference. Friendship can be a blessing,equally it can be a curse...believe in yourself,your own worth...its easy to say,but I think that is one of the biggest things we all struggle to accept here....I know I do....keep on talking and hey if any of your so called friends do come on here and see what you are writing then maybe they will truly see how alone and abandoned you feel xx

[cesl in reply to jfk71]

I understand where your coming from. For now I just have to go through this alone. I would love to have a boyfriend too but I fear I will grow old without finding love.

I've never done something like this before, writing on a forum! It's my first time and I'm usually a private person but I'm glad I plucked up the courage. It is a supportive environment on here and maybe I can use this as my support instead of friends.

Regarding social media I think the majority of it is real what I see which makes me hate myself even more and then I get jealous which I shouldn't do. It's like a cycle.

I'm meant to be going to work but I'm not able to. It's first day back after half term break and for first time I can't face going in. I suppose your sons are looking forwards to going back to school?

[jfk71 in reply to cesl]

My sons are 10 and 8 and have suffered way too much in their short lives. My youngest has severe separation anxiety and my oldest feels like he should be the one holding me up. I so wish they were just little boys that did look forward to school. Until this forum I had never done anything lime this but I just couldn't go on being alone. Don't mistake being alone with being without friends...they are very different statuses. I too wish I had a partner,someone to cuddle up to at the end of the day,to talk to about my innermost fears.... If only wishes s came true. Don't go through this alone,just go through it with the right people. I still think you have an idealistic view of social media...its is a bitching site that makes and breaks relationships and allows people to air their lives and their dirty laundry in public. It has stopped us from having proper friendships...meeting up for a coffee,too g shopping ....normality has escaped us all xx you may think me weird...maybe I am

Maybe that is why I am the way I too. Whatever the reason,its still so hard isn't it xx

[cesl in reply to jfk71]

lol I think we are all weird in our own ways. We can't define normal as we all have different opinions of what normal is.

Sounds like you have wonderful sons. Your eldest sounds sensible and caring.

Maybe I'm not making sense, I'm not just talking about statues on social media I'm also seeing the pictures of them going shopping and doing things with friends. Even those who have partners they show them off how they make them happy etc. Do I sound obsessed? Maybe I should stop going on, which I've tried but when I have nothing to do it's what passes the time and keeps me occupied.

You say not to go through this on my own but with the right people. I don't have that right now.

I'm off to bed now need a good nights sleep for a change. Good night x

[mysmugcat]

Please don't give up. They love you your their Mum.