Really struggling with eating.

[Heliza11]

I have never been diagnosed with any type of an eating disorder, but I do have severe depression and anxiety. I used to have a self harm problem, but since I stopped my obsessive eating has gotten out of control. I'm counting calories constantly, I eat about 250 through the day, but then I binge a little in the evening, and end up having 600/700 overall, which I hate myself for - even though it's still too low. I'm really underweight - 45kg and I'm 5"9. I'm always dizzy, my muscles ache, I feel exhausted walking up the stairs. I lay in bed all day. I suffer from really bad migraines. My issue is I can't eat without beating myself up. I've decided I don't want this for myself anymore, I got rid of all of my calorie counting apps and stuff, but the feelings are still there. I'm too scared to admit how out of control it's gotten, I'm terrified my doctor will put me in hospital if she knows why I'm so underweight. What do I do now?

[Agora1]

Hello Heliza11, there are many ways to do self harm, one of them being control over your eating and counting calories. I understand what you are experiencing, second hand, through my daughter who also is struggling with an ED. She has been diagnosed but whether you have or not, you know this is a serious problem. Even though you got rid of the things around you, the feelings still need to be addressed and they will not go away w/o the correct therapy. What you do now is set up an appointment with your doctor for consultation (which should allow you more time to talk). You have already taken the first step and that is deciding you no longer want this anymore. That is a huge step forward. Wouldn't it be better to walk in instead of waiting for the day when they have to carry you in. I wish you luck. I will keep you in my thoughts. x

[Heliza11 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you 😊 I am seeing my doctor in about a weeks time, I'm hoping to talk to her about all of this. Thanks again for your support 😊 x

[Cat33]

I'm so sorry to hear what a horrible time you are having Please go and talk to your doctor you can't go on like this What is worse being cared for in hospital and a treatment programme arranged for you or living like you do ? Take that step and change your life for the better No one should be suffering like you are alone

We are all here for you but you are the only one who can take that first step to happiness you so deserve

Wishing you all the luck in the world and please post your progress 😌

[Heliza11 in reply to Cat33]

Thanks 😊 I'll be seeing my doctor soon so I'll try my best to talk about all of this. Thank you for your support, it really means so much, I'll make sure to keep you all updated 😊

[Cat33 in reply to Heliza11]

Please remember we are all here whenever you need to chat don't feel alone Once you see your doctor things will start for you they have seen it all before and will give you loads of support and kindness Not sure if I said my son had bulemia some years ago He's all recovered and well he got lots of care and a weekly session with others to swap stories and get support

This is your new srart please post when you have seen the doctor if you want to

I'm sending you love and hugs 💕😀💕😀

[crazycrossstitcher]

With the physical symptoms you mention I would really suggest a trip to the GP - with your weight at this level, and low calorie intake - things health-wise are not going to improve and may get worse. I know from my experience that being at a low weight like this affects the way you "think" about things and distorts your view of your body, your eating etc etc - I know just how scary going to a GP can be - but I'm so glad I did this - so please please do get some help - going means you are taking back control of your life so take courage. ABC also has a help line you could ring for advice and support - in confidence - so do give them a call.

[Heliza11 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

Thanks, the physical symptoms are definitely worrying me the most, I'm scared I'll collapse in public or something, so I know I at least need to talk about that. I've never thought about calling a helpline, it sounds kind of scary but I'll definitely give it go. Thank you 😊

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to Heliza11]

I have used the ABC helpline on several occasions - and they were absolutely fantastic - they are really gentle - its all confidential and they a have good, sound advice. I would suggest you do need to go to your GP re physical symptoms - it was only when I fell over because my legs were not strong enough to stop me falling that I really realised I had to get some help - don't wait like I did - act now - from experience waiting never helps. Good luck - praying that you'll have the strength and courage to speak to someone.

[Heliza11 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

do you mind me asking what happened when you went to the doctors when you were that weak?

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to Heliza11]

I was referred to a specialist ED unit / counsellor - where I got counselling and dietary help - as well as a full medical review - although it meant tackling my problems - it was the best thing I ever did - do seek help - and certainly speak to the ABC helpline who give good confidential advice and support.

[Will2015abc]

Hi Heliza

So sorry you are struggling so much - I totally understand where you are coming from and the feelings that you are feeling.

I can understand your reluctance to see a doc in case of hospital etc and i do agree with "Agora" "Cat" and "Crazycrossstitcher" in that yeah you know what? Its probably time to reach out and say "yeah I need some support here, i cant do this on my own". And you, know, none of us can do everything on our own - we ALL need support in one way or another and reaching out for that support and help may not automatically mean you have to go to hospital - your GP may do some blood tests and maybe get some therapy support for you?

I guess what Im saying is - Don't be afraid to Reach out - nothin is set in stone - there isnt an automatic "ticket to the hospital" by asking for help (and by the way can I say Asking for help and reaching is one of THE bravest things we can do for ourselves - most people think the opposite!) But you've taken your first step by popping on here and WELL DONE!! that is such a HUGE step in the right direction.

Keep in touch and dont be afraid to talk it out.

Thinking of you

w

[Heliza11 in reply to Will2015abc]

Thank you so much! It really makes me feel better knowing this is a positive step. It's all a bit scary but I definitely feel better after posting on here, your comment is so reassuring. I'll make sure to keep on here 😊

[joanna21]

Hi Heliza

You have been given really good advice already which I agree wholeheartedly with.

You deserve so much more than this , please get help soon.

My daughter spent 8 months in hospital which didn't 'cure' her but it did save her, her recovery continues at home now with her family.

You will need support from family & friends so please talk to them too and let them support, I am sure they will only be too glad to.

Love & best wishes xx

[Heliza11 in reply to joanna21]

wow, that sounds like it was really difficult for your daughter, 8 months is a long time. I hope she's doing well now 😊 I am definitely terrified of being put in hospital by my doctor, I'm pretty underweight, I think my bmi's like 14.5 or something? But my doctor knows this, I think all that stops her from putting me in hospital is because I'm not honest about my food issues. I'm really scared that if I open up to her, she'll send me to hospital.

[joanna21 in reply to Heliza11]

Hi Heliza, yes it was a long time but it was such a relief for us when she was admitted as we knew she was somewhere safe and that she would eat again. She made some good friends in hospital, she finds it easier to talk to them now as they know we what she is going through. She also admits that she learnt some bad habits there, unfortunately that is the downside of having several girls with anorexia living together. They all support each still though, it is a shame that they can support their friends so well but do not take their own advice. I think you all have that in common, you are all compassionate to everyone except yourselves. I know it is difficult to be honest , the anorexia makes you lie .My daughter is still not truthful with us and denies certain things. I think any treatment for you will work better if you are honest so please take a deep breath and tell the truth. You owe it to yourself to do that & receive the help you need.

With love xx

[Heliza11 in reply to joanna21]

Thank you for being so open about your daughter's experience, I really appreciate it 😊 I do sometimes think I'd be better in hospital, because I feel so ill at the moment from not eating enough, but obviously that'll be up to my doctor.

[joanna21 in reply to Heliza11]

Hi Helizza

Keep in touch, we are all here for you xxx