I am 19w pregnant (on my 20th week). This was a planned pregnancy I have discussed with my bf. We are dating since three and a half years and we live together.
Since we have discovered I am pregnant, he started to worry and to have problems sleeping. He was feeling we have not considered many things and he is freaking out. Talking about it was normally helping.
In the last two weeks things have changed. After three sleepless nights, suffering panic attack he could not control at all, he was feeling that this is definitely an error and that he is not sure he wants this baby anymore. During the attacks, I was scared as I was experiencing a person I did not know. Better to specify here that he is not and never been a violent person. He would not touch me. The attacks were manifesting as: muscular spams, recurrent thoughts he could not get rid of (a loop), inability to cope with the emotions. In a out-of-mind moment he told me he would abort.
We went to the GP and he was prescribed with an anxiolitic and some sleeping pills. As soon as he calms down and he visualises what he said, he apologises and he says he did not mean the thing.
medicines are not always effective. so we are struggling in this situation. He has a refferral for a psychologist but you know how long London times are and we are still waiting for the first appointment.
In the meantime, I cry every day and I am scared of what can happen if he leaves me. He ensured me that he will never do that but, at the same time, I do not want to ruin our happy relantionship for this. I even considered abortion.
Every time we asked for help there was something for me but not for him. I feel that the mental health of fathers-to-be is not that much considered by NHS. I want to help but I do not know how.
Does anyone have experienced this? is there any fathers-to-be support? I am sure this happens to other people.
Any advice, contact, something is appreciated. I do not know for how long I can resist
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Hun be strong but also he cannot be selfish not let you have the gift of life only God can give and take it away. He needs to face it it’s here now and not use this excuses as to he can’t cope with the arrival. I get it he must be stressed and yes is good y’all gettting help together don’t give up. But as you are trying to cope he needs to as well. But yea hang in Thea I ain’t saying to move on just saying don’t put your dreams life etc behind or freeze up you have a choice as well. Hun I suggest you think real good what you have because no loosing a life over someone that doesn’t want to see or understand your happiness come through or cuz he says he can’t cope that’s just crazy we all need find some how to do so and remember you are killing a life which forever will be In your mind. Pray hun pray fo Jesus guidance before anything tell him that as well with the Lords help we will get through with this . Many Blessings Hun . Head up always and think of you first because he can leave or stay but when they wanna be mean and not care if your ok sick or in need of anything they will just leave now that baby will always be looking for mommy to be Thea xoxox nothing more beautiful 😍then a mother’s love 💗 get that baby bump mama 🙏❤️
I would say your answer is quite unhelpful. To put it short you say that her OH has to suck it up because he's a man. But you have to understand that not only pregnant mothers can have doubts about themselves, anxiety even depression. Fathers to be and new fathers can suffer from it too( everyone can be unlucky and suffer). I think men deserve as much as understanding, compassion and help from others as women do. Like in one of the answers here, he might be having underlying problem, maybe even undiagnosed and all of these new emotions when expecting a baby might be triggering them. He says all the negative thing only when he's having an attack but when he is calm and composed, he admits that he actually wants his child. I think they both need as much support as possible from family, friends and might benefit from therapy. I don't know about waiting times in London, but if he's having workplace medical insurance, like Aviva, he can give them a ring, chat with a private GP and he/she can refer her OH to mental health professional.
Princess I’ve been trying myself for more then 5 years even the little one I have now which I cannot stop laying my eyes off was a gift at 14 I was told I couldn’t have any at all suddenly had my bundle of joy the way they change your life just so wonderful your protective self and tiger instincts of mom kick in. And oh hun yes more then five years had a miscarriage sadly that i didn’t know of until I went to emergency room and also said no to surgery just prayed and said cleanse me Lord if it’s not meant to be but I’m not going in that room. And that’s how it was I was cleansed and yes very sad very. Couldn’t sleep very good after that but worked it out because i have to tell myself let’s go wake up you still need to live for yourself and your other gift of life that is here. Blessing
Aw hun sorry your going through this tough time at a time which should be a lovely time.
Do you think your partner has an underlining problem and this has triggered it off that in 4 months a baby will be here ? Is it the money that’s causing him not to want baby when he lashes out ?
Going to the doctors was a great start maybe you could go to counselling together or go to antenatal together and share the emotions together and the ups and downs!
I don’t think a beautiful gift that you have carried for nearly 5 months should be shunned away, just try together to talk your partner to get help before baby comes because you will eventually blame him to if you aborted baby!
I hope everything works out for you both , but your partner needs to realise how lucky it is to conceive and not take it for granted as I lost twins last August and now trying!!
Hi Sorry that you are going through that. Is this his first child? Maybe just give him a lil time. If he loves and care for you, your happiness is important for him too.
Hi lovely, I am sorry you both have to go through this. It's not always easy to become a parent... It's good you went to the GP, but hopefully there are other things you can do while you wait for NHS. Firstly, check if you BF has counselling available through his work. He should be able to get 6 sessions out of them. You can also check if MIND operates in your area. They should be able to help or at least point you in the right direction. Check for any local charities as well - some of them specialise in mental health issues. You are in London so there are options. Also, it could be good if you ask for some support as well. You need it as well as your bf so you can stay strong for him and the baby. Get in touch with your local Health Visitors - they may have an option for both of you.
It does sound like your bf suffers a lot, but the sooner he gets help the sooner it will be resolved. It won't be easy, but you will get there eventually. Good luck!
20 weeks today but I cannot be happy as I imagined to be. That’s sad… Will do the anomaly scan in few days. Hopefully everything will be ok. I am so worried about the health of the baby after all of this.
He has a health insurance and yesterday went to the first session with the psychologist. He was starting to feel better but, after the session, he had a kind of regression. I guess because he had to go through all of this with an external person. We are talking a lot but it is very hard for me to be strong.
He does not understand his feelings either. We do not have any financial problems: we have good job and I will have a good maternity leave. We are active and very social. He is 33 and I am 35. We will be 36 and 34 at the moment of the birth. We are in the best situation to do this.
Our relationship was never discussed, neither the fact that we see each other old together till the very end. He is very sorry to cause me this and I believe him. We looked for this pregnancy.
Now he says that he would have liked to discuss it more. He told me he was scared to get the topic and that he was feeling I was already 35 and we had to do it. He always wanted a baby but in a couple of years so he decided to push this because of my age. At first I got mad. Then I understood it was in good faith. I discovered that he read about the topic and all the majority of information say that 35 is the age limit.
I can see him not sleeping, getting scared. The psychologist told him that the baby is not the issue. The real one is getting adult for real. And I agree… All our friends do not have babies and they have an active social life. This leads him to think that we are going to detach from them and be isolated. I do not want to think this way. We talked about paying a baby sitter every now and then to be able to go out alone and enjoy our couple.
I was reading a bit in the internet and apparently what it is happening is not that rare. Thing is guys do not express their feeling. It is a kind of baby blues that can be triggered after few months of the discovery of the pregnancy till the first six months of the baby. It is terrible not see him smiling and joking like he always did. And this is affecting me a lot. We want to exit this together but been strong is tough. Really tough. Tonight I had nightmares all night long and I woke up with a massive headache. I even considered abortion and leave him. I could not continue with him after a termination. But this is not I want. I want this baby. It was our project and I am sure this will make us happy in future. How to get there without ruining everything? I wish I would know dads that passed on the same path so I would ask some opinion, advice or just his story.
Unfortunately therapy is not a magic wand, It will take time. But if he is really honest in his sessions and wants to get better it will get easier. He will gradually learn his triggers, therapist will help him to find coping strategies that works for your OH. You should go for therapy too(separate from your OH), it will allow you to discuss all your worries in a safe place. The only way your relationship will survive this challenge is if you both start to talk to each other, without getting angry, honesty. Your OH is right, once the baby is born, your priorities will change, new baby takes up a lot of parents time and you will skip some of the social gatherings But you will not mind, and soon enough you will find friends who has kids and are familiar with the wonderful journey you are taking.
All I want to say is Don't give up.
“In the middle of a difficulty lies opportunity.” ~Albert Einstein
Hello! Congratulations on your little one! Has they said in here a baby can change lots of things, specially between the couple, I'm 27 and my bf is 30 and when I was pregnant I thought I wouldn't be able to cope, I had only started working through an agency when I got my first positive at 6w pregnant, my bf has a job were the salary varies, our landlord raised our rent, my mom didn't believed I could be so stupid that I got pregnant so early after coming to the U.K., I had almost no friends in here and I really thought to myself if we should really have this baby or not... sometimes I still fell I wasn't ready but my little one is making one year very soon and I do love him with all my heart and he is the best and the most handsome thing i ever done.
As regarding your partner, let him know he is not alone and he really doesn't need to be strong, men can cry too! Just try to get to the bottom of the question together and almost certainly you'll find a solution together! Also if you need to talk or if he wants to talk about babies search for baby groups in your area, there are a lot of parents that went through the same. As your social life remember that you can always involve your friends in your pregnancy and have a baby shower or answer their questions about babies, you will absolutely be the center of attention, and you guys will make a load of new friends that have babies or toddlers as well and get free babysitting for date nights with those ones... XD
Wish you both all the best and have a lovely pregnancy and a good hour.
I do hope you both can surpass this obstacle and live this new adventure!
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