Trying to get the hubby to understand what you're going through....

[Completenewbie]

Well guys it's week 8 in our house and today I feel pants, I've done nothing but nap so far and continuously been feeling sick. I went to see him for dinner (he only works a few minutes away), and I attempting to explain how I felt and he was like... It's not that bad is it? My exact words were.... You think I'm taking the p*** don't you and then a couple of minutes later proceeded to throw up in a drain a couple of yards away... See what I mean Mr?

I've gotta give it to him, he has read stuff on this site and on the nhs site and on Emma's diary but I think he thinks I am over exaggerating a little.

Why can't we share symptoms???

Can you guys think up any way... Other than throwing up everywhere.... How to full explain how we are feeling?

[LottyB]

Hey hun, do you have a friend nearby with a fella that he could talk to? I'm 34 (nearly 35) weeks and my boyfriend is only just getting the idea that its hard work growing a baby! My guy has friends which are a bit older and without them I think i would have been lost, we are pretty much the last couple in our circle to have a baby, so he's been given loads of horror stories about it all. Haha. I was horrendously sick at the beginning, off work with it sometimes too, and he still told me to try and eat, or stop being dramatic, you wanted this, like I was exaggerating. Unfortunately there isn't a lot other than sit him down and try to explain it to him, which I'm sure you've done. I was very moody and emotional early on, so whenever he said something I didn't like I used to slap him, he soon stopped! Hehe. Now he keeps telling me to rest more and eat plenty, and I'm still at work, so can't quite relax yet. A lot of guys don't understand until baba arrives and you leave it with him while you pop to the shops how hard it is. Maybe try finding a book for dads to be? If you need a whinge, we're here. Xxx

[Completenewbie in reply to LottyB]

I think it will help when he finally tells work, because he will be able to talk to to people, about it. Currently he's keeping it hush hush with everybody and he literally has nobody to chat to about it other than me at the moment, so all he is hearing is me complaining about how nauseous I'm feeling lol poor bloke really. I'm feeling a little better today so that's a bonus 😀 I wouldn't say hubby has been mean about what he's saying to me but it's the ignorance (which I should understand is not his fault). I've not had too many emotional snappy bits yet, a few, which hubby has been on the recieving end, but not too bad. I did wake up this morning with the horrible thought of what's gunna happen when the dog gets old and it's her time to say goodbye..... Why this came into my head I will never know, she is fit and well and far from old! Stupid hormones and silly thoughts lol not sure I can cope with the emotions of motherhood lol

[mrs_k_79]

Hi hon, I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband has been pretty good, picking up housework etc when I've just been sleeping but 8 weeks is around the time when I said to him 'you're bored of looking after me now aren't you.'

I think they understand the actual sickness more than the tiredness and nausea as they can see it. They just seem to think the rest is just laziness or using pregnancy as an excuse. Im saying this to let you know you are not alone and your man is not bad, they just have trouble understanding.

But... It does get easier. I'm now 10 weeks and 5 days and have had a few good days this week. Everyone has been telling me how much better I'll feel in the second trimester so I'm looking forward to that. I'm currently in bed typing this while he is out playing snooker so I think now he's not so worried he's enjoying some freedom while I get my rest! I've had a slightly different problem out of the blue and completely out of character - where has this anger come from?!? Anger and tears directed in every direction - started about 4pm and I'm just calming down now... Bet he's so glad he's gone out

But anyway, besides that, I guess you just have to talk, find out what works for you both and try and keep him as involved as possible. I probably drove Rich mad talking about stretching muscles and what was happening on an hourly basis but now I have calmed down slightly it seems better. Since finding out we were expecting, we make a thing of Saturday mornings, when we get to the next week, we read the app together of the weekly summary usually while having breakfast in bed or a special breakfast. That way he knows exactly what's happening and now he asks me what week we are (size wise, this week date for example) I think it also helps me to just look forward to each Saturday as I have been so anxious about getting to the scan.

Sorry for the long post, think I got carried away!

Good luck, I know you will work through this

X

[Jennie1987 in reply to mrs_k_79]

The expectant dad's survival guide has really helped my husband feel part of the pregnancy- in fact he's told me things I've not even known! It has sections on how we're feeling too written from man to man continue communicating-maybe he's a bit in denial about it all as he's scared at the moment? Hope you're soon feeling better-I was really sick weeks 7-16 but so much better after now 23!xx

[Completenewbie in reply to Jennie1987]

That sounds awesome! I shall have a loooook for this. He's not a major reader, but I imagine he may be clawing for this book 😊 thank you very much 😊

Xxxx.

[Completenewbie in reply to mrs_k_79]

I know he's trying to understand, he is reading the apps but the just don't quite get through just how icky we are feeling. I don't think it's helped that we've barely seen each other this week, the week where I have felt the worst. We've been on constant opposite shifts which has been completely pants.

I'm seriously not looking forward to the emotional bit... I know how venomous I can be. I think I'm going to have to be really careful as to where I am when I have a flare up of rage. I think I'll call one of the spare rooms 'Kirsty's rage room' and warn him not to even come upstairs when I'm going off on one lol. The room will contain this iPad and my phone and a tele and tissues.... Maybe a sick bowl.

Oh, who knew we were complex beings. Why can't things just happen smoothly.

P.s. I love your long posts 😊

[claire16c]

If he's seen you throwing up then surely he must have got it after that!

[Benjajersey]

Hello!

The first three months are the most awful because you do not tell anyone until you are sure everything is fine (12 week scan!) but it is also the time in your pregnancy when you feel your worst.

If you really feel unwell, your blood pressure may be low and you could get your GP to sign you off work. This may be a wake up call for your hubby that actually, you are unwell.

The hormonal changes you are going through can also alter your feelings and you may take things more at heart than you usually would. You both have to adapt to the change and it can be tough on both sides.

Having a man to man conversation with a friend who has experience is a good idea. Although you may not feel like saying anything just yet, it may be good to select one close set of friends for support and advice.

I was given a book for men to read called "you are pregnant too, mate!" By Gavin Rogers. It is really funny and approaches the disconnection men can feel about our pregnancy in a humourous way. I read it myself and could not help laughing.

Men will never be able to feel what we feel and to understand those hormones that make us sick and moody. They wil never be able to carry life and they can feel a bit disconnected sometimes, but do not worry and get him involved as much as possible. It is a first and he will soon take it in his stride... He just needs to realise and when the bump starts growing and your body changes, it will be more real... But that is possibly when you will start feeling better!

all the best!

[Hopeful15]

Hi, it's a sorry state of affairs when our partners don't understand but it will come. The first time will be the dating scan, then gradually at ante natal classes (get booked on nct classes now to ensure you get a place) and then more and more as your bump grows. Don't forget those pesky hormones are going to fry your brain and rational thinking for a while too - another 50-60 weeks !! And don't forget this pregnancy period is your parental training period - learning how each of you are going to change, adapt, regroup and love each other once the buddle of joy arrives. Resentment is a completely normal part of the process and I'm sure that's why mother nature invented morning sickness and all the other wonderfully painful side effects of pregnancy. Your partner is not going to naturally understand and you are going to feel upset by this ....this is lesson number one and the most important part of both of your pregnancy homework. Continue to do what you are doing - being frank, open and talking to each other with the focus on strengthening communication and understanding and empathy. You might not appreciate it now, but what you're currently suffering doesn't even come close to what you're going to have to deal with from about 5 hours after baby is born!!! Your level of resentment and pure hatred will go through the roof as you witness hubby snore peacefully through your wakeful nights then rise refreshed, then shower, sh*t and shave on his own in the bathroom before going to work in nice clean ironed clothes where he will talk to other humans about things that don't concern poo and eat any lunch he chooses with both hands whilst reading a newspaper. You both need to get used to your resentment - it's not going anywhere!! Being a mum is the most fantastic journey you'll ever take, but don't expect a man to truly understand it - because he simply cannot. He can learn to listen and simpathise and empathise but at 3am when you're both covered in a poonami and you're shaking because you haven't slept properly in 10 days no amount of learned behaviour is going to save you from wanting to kill him with your puke covered hands. Lesson number two: and just as important as lesson number one: you're a mum now and you've got to find your true inner strength: you'll naturally come last in everything once baby is born (last to the loo in the morning, last to eat, last to get meaningful sleep etc) so you need to learn to suck it up. Men get away with everything - I mean they're only really implicated in one tiny, short lived and usually pretty unextraordinary part of the baby making process . You can't change that. But you can get him into a routine now that ensures he thinks about you and your needs so that you don't feel completely alone and abandoned - during yoir pregnancy and after baby arrives - cup of soothing tea/breakfast in bed before he goes to work, demanded a shoulder/foot massage, a date night once a week where you talk openly about how the week has gone, remembering hospital appointments, being in charge of getting you to them, getting your prescriptions, doing the shopping and heavy housework - hoovering, mopping, unloading washing machine etc. Oh and top tip - I bought my hubby a couple of books too but he never read them...but he did read the books that my sister and my dad bought him Good Luck but don't expect miracles from him. He is a man after all and there's a reason mother nature decided not to entrust this most important of tasks to him xx

[Completenewbie in reply to Hopeful15]

Miss/ Mrs hopeful, you have made my day 😊 both me and the other half did have a chuckle... Especially at the poonami bit LOL. I need to grow up a bit I think, I need to remember that he doesn't really know how I am feeling apart from when I tell him and I've got to remember that he hasn't got the super power of reading my mind.

Thank you so much for your post, it's made me think about the situation, and has put it into perspective a wee bit for me (lessons). I'm so glad there are so many wise people on this site!

Xxxxxxx

[Hopeful15 in reply to Completenewbie]

Ha ha!! Happy to oblige ...be a wise idea to get him to make a few commitment statements like you've just done in your reply, write them down and pop them on the front of the fridge so that you both have a fighting chance of remembering them in your darkest hours xxx Good Luck and remember - everything is just a phase. It will end and it does get easier (partly because your hormones help you to forget the bad bits very quickly!!!)

[Completenewbie]

Commitment statements sound like a plan. From now on I think I'll just think.... What would hopeful say/do lol you wise woman, you! lol

[bearcub]

I know how you feel. I am 8 weeks and the last three weeks I have been feeling horribly sick, exhausted, sore boobs, peeing 5 times a night so I'm even more shattered than normal. My hubster is lovely and so kind but i still feel like he just doesn't get it. We haven't told anyone and I just feel so lonely not being able to talk to my friends about it. My hubster and I are best friends and do everything together and I hate that he can't seem to help me with this.