How i got to where i am today. My battle with pnd.

[aysia]

Its been the hardest three years of my life. I got knocked over when i was four weeks pregnant with my first whos now three. I suffered depression while pregnant and it got worse after she was born. You go through the motions but i didnt feel attatched to her. I cared for her, done the things a mum should do but i didnt feel she was mine. I hate admitting it but its part of pnd. I couldnt be on my own with her because ot was too hard. I cpuldnt stand her crying id jus rocl her or take her out in pram but as i couldnt walk far id end up sitting on my doorstep. I started attemdong a post natal support group. Which helped me loads i made friends. It was good to know that what i was feeling wasnt making me a bad mum i was just ill... Things got better fpr a while. Then i got pregnamt with my son. I was scared but put careplans into plave before hand. The pregnamcy was hard he was born prem. But i didnt feel depressed after he waz born. I coped well. I would get me and the kids ready. Go out. I coped better than i ever did evem whem my girl was bad i managed. then the unthinkable happened. My son was ill. Really ill and stopped breathing. I held him as he fought for each breathe and went cold and turned blue. He had tp gp pn life support. Machines were keeping my four week old son alive. I felt so numb. I didnt cry i jus watched him fight for his life. I thought hed die, i knew that if he survived he could be brain damaged or be affected some way. He is strong and he came round. He had to learn to feed again nd was withdrawing from the meds they used to keep him in a coma while he recovered. Itt was harder than amything id been through before. He wasnt responding., he could see or hear proply, a problem from being ill nd low oxygen. I broke my heart i guees i kind of grieved for the lifw i thoughr he might never have. He was five months before could see nything and it was the best thing to see him watch me move infront of him. Then i realised i was suffering from pnd again. Id been soo wrapped up in getting my son better i hadnt realised how ill id become. I didnt go iut cus of panick attacks and afraid hed get ill.. Id take my girl to school and to family houses. I would cry all day. I couldnt eat. Nd felt llike i cant cope.. I started meds back up. So i wamt to write this blog. my good days amd bad days. To trg anh help me gwt better.. My son is ten months now and so far so good woth his development. He is ill all thw time nd its hard. So know i willwrite as often as i can with my recovery of pnd. Im honest and what i write is truth.

[PNI-Admin Partner Volunteer PNI ORG UK]

Thank you for sharing your story it's very moving.

We're here and will help you through this hun.

Love Nat xxx

[rocky77]

It's heartbreaking reading yur story but so pleased your son is doing so well. Going thru such trauma is often trigger for pni.

Bing honest about how u feel and sharing yur worries is great step towards recovery. I imagine getting reassurance helps?X