The pain just got too much and at first I was crying because it was too much but then got to that stage where you can’t turn it off because your just sick of it , you miss your old life, you hate the way people see you on normal days and say ‘your fine though’?, your sick of putting on a face, sick of pushing through, sick of medication , sick of side effects, sick of stopping due to side effects, then more pain, associating illnesses, is it this, is it that? , the constant reading up, then trying to say sod, then there it is agin! Big fat pain!
Excuse the rant, I just need to vent, let, off, explode. In the hope that it may turn off some time soon.,
Thank you for reading
Zoe x
Written by
fredsmummy
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I'm a great believer in crying - and screaming if you feel like it. I've gone through a long recovery, and the crying sessions are part of the healing. I learned to let them happen, not to fight it when I feel the stress and tension rising, or the sadness coming over me.
It's a good physical release, as well as a mental one. The trick is, is not to feel bad about the experience.
I feel how the deep breaths of sobbing extend my body, stretching and releasing a little tension with each breath in.
Feeling my face contorting, the muscles working through the tensions, released though movements.
Also feeling sorry for myself, and instead of feeling bad about feeling sorry for myself I decided it was OK - I was in a lot of pain and it was good to acknowledge that, and forgive myself. The pain wasn't actually my fault, and life can be really hard when you're in pain. It's OK to feel that.
What physical activities do you do (exercises or work)?
Leigh, thank you so much firstly for replying to me 😊
I actually believe that too. Everytime I have a good old meltdown however difficult the journey to get to that place, I always seem to do better quite soon after now you mention..
I have recently lost my job but not in the typical way, it took a long time and they were very good to me, I worked at school for 8 years and decided to let it go and we had to do it in a way that was fair for both of us based on my health ability.
Since I obviously need more exercise and recognise the importance, that’s difficult given the circle! But I’m managing walking.
Swimming is good but it’s the get up and go that’s difficult and promise to yourself when your depressed and in such pain that this will do you good. I know it will!
Thank you again so much for your reply, I honestly do appreciate it 😊
You sum up the cycle of pain and depression so well.
Pain is very isolating, being able to be honest about what you are going through is important. So often we need to hide so much just to be able to function.
As for exercise, I used to try - but because I wasn't using my body correctly it just caused more stress and pain in the long term. I was trying to do specific exercises but my body wasn't capable of the movements. my range of movement was very restricted, my body stiff and inflexible (all the injuries that hadn't ever really healed and gone away). Repeating something, or trying to follow a workout or the exercises from the doc/physio/osteopath etc. was tough. I'd give up. They weren't helping. I was using the wrong muscles.
Have you ever tried Pilates? The breathing and control aspects are important IMO. (it shouldn't be an aerobic workout!). Finding an exercise or two you like and doing them as it feels right.
Everything is an inspiration for movement, a dance move, a yoga Asana, the flow of Tai chi etc...
I've found being in the pool the best therapy overall. I do a lot of stretching and using floats (a big float under each hand positions your hands level, the long floats under a foot or knee allow gentle movements, 2 or 3 of them under my back allow me to float and move my arms and legs with my weight supported.) then I might swim a length, thinking of stretching out and then back to playing with the floats.
Don't feel that you have to apologize for your rant. It is good to let off steam. At times I find the pain quite unbearable, but feel that the medical staff do not always understand what I am going through.
What I would give for a week of my old life again, at times I would even just take a day. I go to bed every night dosed up with pain killers and think that it will all be OK in the morning. Which, of course, it is not. I lay in bed not wanting to get up and only do so as my bladder starts complaining. Then it is like Groundhog Day all over again.
As for medication, I take over 22,000 pills a year. I have boxes for a week of morning pills, another for evening pills. At times I wonder, why the hell do I fill these up as I cannot really be bothered. I went for half a week not taking anything, then I realised why I did have to take them. Life can be quite s**t at times. A friend of mine once said old age does not come alone. She is older than me and as fit as a fiddle. I sometimes wonder where I went wrong in my life.....,
Awww thanks Pete! Yep, I did the same with the tablets once! Oh my! And yes it does sometimes feel like a bit of a curse doesn’t it? Mines come with a bunch of other stuff out of the clear blue sky with it too and so you do wonder 🤣 well you gotta laugh else youll cry! Hope your enjoying your Sunday ☺️
Hi Zoe,I have to take myself off somewhere private to have a cry when things get too much, but I don't feel guilty doing it, we all need to let off steam. I find that when I take all the tablets and pain killers and patches that I should I get to a point where I just feel so over-medicated and ill that I end up not taking anything, and then the pain hits even worse...it's just a horrible horrible circle
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