My sister’s learning difficulties and financial trouble

[SisterCalledFlo]

Hello, my sister has learning difficulties (she suffered brain damage at birth). She is now a 34 year old mum with three wonderful children and in many ways is able to cope (daily activities are fine if a bit chaotic). But she has many difficulties that go unseen and undiagnosed. In particular she has trouble with social interaction often seeming to lack empathy, and she also has great trouble handling finances. She is currently living at my mum’s house rent free but she manages to get herself into a lot of debt very quickly that she doesn’t understand. I recently tried to help her with this but she got very defensive and now won’t speak to me. Big companies continue to accept her custom even as she racks up huge amounts of debt with them, and there’s nothing any of us can do because she is an adult and they won’t speak to anyone but her about her accounts (her main thing is signing up to endless o2 contracts for devices she doesn’t need or use).

If this sounds familiar to anyone I would love to hear about your experiences or any advice you may have! It just feels like an impossible issue to navigate, as well as very stressful. I worry about her future and her children.

[learner01]

Dear Flo, it must be very worrying for you and I understand your frustration with the companies. Unfortunately some laws which are there to protect have unintended unhelpful consequences when it comes to trying to help those who need support. You can’t make your sister seek support and it sounds as though she doesn’t recognise that there’s a problem so won’t herself. I am a bit concerned about how your sister’s debt might affect your mother because eventually, if your sister is using credit to furnish her debt it could affect your mother also because of being at the same address. Is there any local organisation that could help advise and support you and your mother? There are organisations that help with debt. Citizens Advice might be a good starting point. I do think you should seek advice if only to ensure that your mother’s position is protected.

It might be a good idea for your mother to talk to her own GP about the situation.

I do think that you shouldn’t delay in ensuring that your mother’s position is safe because I don’t understand how your sister is being allowed credit when she has so much debt. Normally companies check with credit reference agencies before allowing someone to take on more debt so it’s very concerning that your sister is being given more credit particularly if it’s with the same company. They ought to already be aware of what she owes. But appear to believe she has income or other resources to borrow against. From what you have said, she hasn’t.

It is also possible that your sister needs counselling of some sort because it does sound a bit as though it might be a compulsion, but that is also something you cannot make her do.

Do seek professional advice as soon as possible.

[SisterCalledFlo in reply to learner01]

Thanks so much for this, that’s very helpful. I should have explained, while it is my mum’s house, she doesn’t actually live there (just pays the mortgage for them which is in my mum’s name). I hope that means that my mum couldn’t be implicated in any way? But I’m not sure. I’ll definitely look into Citizen’s Advice though and yes I think counselling would be good too! I’d love for my sister to get some professional help but she’s just so resistant. I don’t think she understands her limitations at all! She’s always been quite resistant to authority figures. At some point I might gently suggest it to her though. Thank you!

[learner01 in reply to SisterCalledFlo]

Hello Flo, I’m afraid I think that because the house is in your mother’s name that it might have implications for her. I think you need to clarify the situation with experts as soon as possible. I don’t like saying this but your sister cannot get credit without having said that she’s able to pay back the debt. What has that been based on? If your sister doesn’t understand what she’s doing with regard to debt it may be that any contract she’s entered into with these companies would be void but that is also something you need advice on.

Did she ever have any assessments as a child which showed her difficulties? You might need to refer to them to help prove your concern and show that she can’t cope.

She may well become even more angry with you, particularly if she thinks there isn’t a problem. It’s a very delicate situation .

Trying to get her to accept help might make her resist it more. Best to get the advice first.

[SisterCalledFlo in reply to learner01]

Thanks so much for this, that’s really helpful. I’ll look into this asap. I don’t think she ever did have any formal diagnosis! I will talk to my mum about it though. Thanks a lot for your help! X

[learner01 in reply to SisterCalledFlo]

No problem. I hope that you’re able to get the right help.

[Iolo]

Hello. I also wonder if DOSH might be a helpful source for advice for you or her and support for her if she was interested dosh.org.

Good luck, tricky indeed.

[Sarah_Mencap]

Hello SisterCalledFlo

Welcome and thank you for your post. Your sister is very lucky to have you (and your mum) around to support her - although I can see it very difficult for you.

There are some great suggestions here - Citizens Advice are great. You might find this particularly helpful - citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-...

The National Debtline may also be worth a look here - nationaldebtline.org/

Have you ever heard of SIBs - it is a charity aimed at siblings. They have loads of support on there (not specifically - but a lot of things that may be relevant for you). Please do take a look here - sibs.org.uk/

One last thought, you are welcome to call our helpline to have a chat with one of our trained advisors about your options. It is free and confidential. You can call on 0808 808 1111 or email [e-mail]

Best wishes

Sarah

[SisterCalledFlo in reply to Sarah_Mencap]

Thanks so much Sarah! This has been very useful