Is this the end?

Hello. New to the site. Just want to get to know people going through the same things I am. Does anyone else feel so alone and wanting to be social but can't help being antisocial?

[Rob04]

Yes I know that feeling been feeling this way for sometime even though my doctor says I'm fine but just knowing is the problem for me

[Hidden in reply to Rob04]

Exactly. Every guy that tried to get close I sabatoge any attempts by becoming disinterested, when I really am because I know I have to tell them, even though I'm undetected with no other health problems, I still feel I'm not ready to reveal my status. Even when I strategically bring up what if I am positive, and they say they don't care, I won't get close. I went from being very socialable to a hermit. I cut everyone off so they don't ask me why I'm so withdrawn, what's on mind, why I'm so quiet, and etc. Its like I want to die, but I want to live. I hate this. I never even got a cold, but I get this, this of all things. Smh.

[Hidden in reply to Rob04]

Doctors are jerks when it comes to this. They see me as a cash cow, till I'm not longer beneficial to them, money wise. Once i got a rash, and asked what could it be, and without examining me, my doctor said, its a staph infection from sleeping in filthy dirty sheets and not bathing for a long time, mind you I look and smell better than him. I told him I take 2 showers or more a day hoping I can wash this filth from system and I change my sheets every three days, he said he doesn't bathe everyday and he changes his sheets maybe every week. Unreal. So maybe its not a staph infection. Jerk. I showed him bruises I keep waking up with that look like hand marks and human bites, which i told him has been happening for many many years and he said its bed bug bites, lol, mind you, ive never even seen a bed bug anywhere I've slept because no one I know including myself ever had bed bugs. I am boarder line OCD, so cleaning is a must in my house. I don't have bed bugs. Smh. Lol. And again he never physically examined me, he just came up with those causes. Turns out, I'm allergic to Shea butter, and I might be harming myself in my sleep, because I do suffer from night terrors, which Ive had for over 20yrs. But due to having insomnia, I take ambien, which might be making things worse. I'm switching doctors though. Now I do alot of holistic things to deal, to stay sane. I read a lot and listen to music to help.

[Rob04 in reply to Hidden]

I totally feel you on doctors. I'm currently looking for a new now my doctor makes me feel as though I'm really all fine and I tell her constantly I'm living with HIV no I'm not fine but I manage to get through life

[Givemefreedom]

I know exactly what you mean.

There is no one to talk to .

I hope you're ok

[Rob04 in reply to Givemefreedom]

I am I just wish I could meet someone who will accept me for me if I told them that I'm hiv positive and not give me the cold shoulder I want to be with someone but to afraid what some will think of me that's why I just stay to myself it gets lonely but that's what social media is for right ☺

[Vv81 in reply to Rob04]

I know how you feel not easy I think positive and we will have people that we could trust and feel comfortable around

[Hidden in reply to Rob04]

I can't do mainstream social media. People mindsets are denser than jello. I can't. I responded to some post with just a emoji and I get cursed out. Too much negativity on those avenues of communication. Plus there are a lot of loons on there. Very vain people. I think i have maybe ten selfies. I'm like to take pics of other things not myself. Not because I feel unattractive, I'm just not vain. I think I'm going to be the old lady with a lot of cats, telling kids stay off my grass, leering at people through binoculars, love jazz music, and dances in the moonlight neked, ( I know its spelled naked, its just my way). Lol. If we support each other, we'll be OK. This is a great outlet for me. 👍👍👍

[Vv81 in reply to Hidden]

I agree