Infertility & depression: always 2 fo... - Fertility Network UK
Infertility & depression: always 2 for the price of 1? Many experiencing infertility also have signs of depression. What've you experienced?
SusanS317 Voters
Been signed off with depression for 3 months and would prefer not to go back but have made the effort as I've decided to move house and location in the summer so need to be working in order to get another job. The problem is still there, I just chosen to prioritise something else for the time being. I'm in interview process at the mo and in the middle of house buying so very busy with that. I know that when this all settles down, the infertility and depression will rear its head again 
I have kept away from family and friends who have children, some days I cane bear to be around any body and when I am due for periods I get very bad and hate myself. It is horrible feeling so low and angry.
I was diagnosed with depression 3 years ago due to child abuse I suffered from the age of 5-16 at the hands of my mums ex husband (not my real dad) my infertility just makes my depression worse and gives me a daily struggle just to get up and get on with my day ahead, I constantly argue with my family and friends don't seem to understand as they have never been in my shoes x
I feel that infertility and depression go hand-in-hand, that has been my experience anyway, I've written about how I'm coping with it in a blog:
mindfulmumatobe.blogspot.co...
and started an online community and support group with the help of infertility network to support both myself and others , which is helping me considerably, please do join us if you are interested in anything I've written about on my blog.
Thanks to everyone who took part in this poll. You can still participate, and we are planning to use the results to highlight the impact which infertility has. Could anyone leave some more comments to help illustrate how much it has affected you and which we could use. We will use them anonymously unless you let us know you are ok with being identified, and if you prefer not to leave comments on an open forum just email me susanseenan@infertilitynetworkuk.com. It all helps to show people how difficult infertility is - we know what the impact is but help us to get this across to others who don't understand.
Thank you,
Susan
Thank God we have this site to air our views it helps to get things off your chest.
Since the age of 19 I was having Infertility Treatment at the age of 35yrs it stopped.
Unexplained Infertility made me very depressed.
There was no explaination and no cure cos they did not know the best way to treat me.
They suggested adoption, fostering, or surragacy or trail IVF/GIF
After all the injections etc. My 3 eggs just weren't big enough 20mm.
Why oh why ...No one had the answer...I was just left to get on with my empty life.
Now aged 61 I still long for the baby to hold in my arms.
What I missed was the support from family and friends as I felt so hurt.
I needed to be loved and cuddled to help take the invisible pain inside away.
I see these newborn baby dolls which are good for therapy but for me was having
a small lapdog with real hair who loves cuddles and baths and having her hair blowdried.
Hospitals and GPs do not know or understand how we feel when we have no-one to turn to when we feel depressed cos the treatment has failed.
There should be more support from the NHS for everybody who is suffering depression
cos of an incurable condition.
I am now taking antidresspresants and painkillers and feel so alone.
I went to a support group many years ago but found it painful to talk about my problems. It is a hard struggle to come to terms with and accept I am childless.
Nothing to look forward to except the day I die and passover as no-one cares.
Reply
Hello, I am sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I think it's true that we all need to be held and to feel loved by our support network during these times.
There is a good support group called More to Life. It is for those who are involuntary childless. There's a link to their page on the Infertility Network UK website. Maybe you would find this useful? Or perhaps some one-to-one counselling might help? I know you say you've found it difficult to talk about in the past but, from experience, bottling things up is even harder.
Take care and be kind to yourself x
Thankyou for your comments
I have just completed a one to one course which made me feel even lonely after the sessions had finished at last I opened up but now I am left on my own again to sort my life out. I was told depression is an illness which I am struggling to overcome since the breakup of my marriage at 25yrs being involuntary childless and lonliness as others do not understand how I feel that makes me so annoyed and frustrated.
Yes there is More to Life than the way I feel I just need to find it or a way to overcome how I am feeling when it is a bad day and the last few months have been very bad as my other health problems have got me down and things have all got on top of me.
Thanks for your support I will contact More to Life Support Group.
Loneliness and depression are terrible to suffer from. Hopefully the More to Life group may help. Best of luck x
The most devastating thing for me is feeling like I just don't want my own future. I think of a future as a sad couple that never managed to have children, that never can be grandparents, and I just don't want that life for myself or my husband. I just wish I had the strength to leave him so that he could fine someone else who can make him a Daddy.
I feel the same way, I constantly worry about how my husband feels and feel like I have failed to give him a child, such a horrible way to feel. Love to u maccerpops x
That's exactly how I feel
I have never know a feeling like it! Desperate, broken, irrational emotional responses to things, lost - I had no idea how I would ever stop counting the days in my cycle etc and how this would ever stop being the focus/ obsession of almost every day! We had one successful cycle, but in the cycle itself it didn't go well, it started as IVF, I had a very poor response and it was cancelled and I was offered the chance to convert it to IUI not because anyone thought it would succeed, and the team were really honest about that, but just because it could be done within the cost of cancelling the IVF cycle, so we may as well, I was beyond broken, I felt smashed to pieces, and so ashamed of myself that I could not put on a brave face for anyone else sharing their baby news anymore by this point, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I just couldn't pull myself together. We were more than elated that it was successful, and I expected to feel instantly repaired. I felt numb, like I daren't let myself believe this was happening. When she was born I felt the same, by about 6 weeks I felt like someone switched the lights back on in my life, I cherished every minute from the second I knew she was there but depression even with the strongest remedy leaves scars that take time to heal!
a sense of failure, feel abnormal, feel like an outcast
I'm on a waiting list at the moment to see a counsellor after 4.5 years of secondary infertility and 4 rounds of IVF. I think its almost inevitable to have some kind of emotional upset as we are suffering with a real illness but unlike most illnesses, we are led to believe that we're not supposed to talk about it - that isolation then overwhelms us and the problems get worse. My husband is lovely but he just can't sit in my shoes and understand exactly how I feel. I'm hoping that seeing a Counsellor will give me someone impartial to talk to without having to feel guilty about being so upset at not being able to give my son a much longed for sibling. The envy is the biggest thing I need to work on, seeing friends and even strangers with broods of children just polaxes me, i'm so jealous that sometimes I just want to cry in public. That envy makes me angry, then I feel guilty and its a vicious cycle. Its not good for my wellbeing, or my family, and its certainly not going to ever allow me to complete my family!!
I got pregnant when I was 20 years old to find out it was a Eptopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube, I had to have an emergency operation to remove my fallopian tube and my other fallopian tube was found blocked or damaged, I am now 29 and I have felt really isolated and upset I had to have IVF, I have just completed one IVF cycle and I had 1 Blastocyst transferred and I did not work, this has made my confidence drop. I have been living my life around starting IVF for 9 years and when I come to do it, it did not work.
I realise I'm a little late in responding to this but thought I would share my thoughts on this. The journey of infertility is a long and emotionally challenging one....from complete and utter devastation and a deep sense of sadness in finally accepting that the odds are most definitely against me of having my own baby now at the age of 44. I feel that I have been grieving for the child I will never have for the last 12 months since we paid privately to see a consultant and were told the harsh reality of our situation...ivf / icsi, egg donation or adoption. Choosing which path you go down is a very individual thing and perhaps if money was no option then my outlook and opinion would be different. But for me, ivf is like a lottery and psychologically it has that potential to play havoc with your mind, getting obsessed almost to keep trying for a positive outcome, when in actual fact, that positive outcome only happens for the minority of people rather than the majority, if statistics were really telling you the truth. But ofcourse statistics will never provide you with the information we really want to see...because the world of infertility and ivf is a business and if the 'real' statistics were to be published then it wouldn't be the profitable business that it is today. I'm sure I'm not alone to have the feeling of total isolation in this journey of infertility and not being able to talk to many people about my situation. Perhaps I'm just not aware of what supports are out there. I know I tried before to find out if there were any support groups around my area but had no success. And so, I call on my reserves and inner strength to...just keeping going, try and remain positive, fit and healthy and believe that what will be....will be.
I think I just need to type to get this out of my head and out there.. I am so scared of what will happen if we're not successful with the IVF at the moment it feels like the only thing keep me going is the chance that we still have to make this happen. I can't seem to face most days but I'm having too because that's just what you have to do.. I have had really worrying thoughts about just giving up on life and even going so far as working out how to make it work. I love my husband and his support has been so amazing and I know he feels like this is something we're both facing but for me it's not like that because it's me who is broken and has something wrong with me and he deserves to be a Dad cause he'd be so amazing at it. I just hope this works for us because I am not sure what my life is without it.
I come from a large family. My siblings all have kids. In trying to protect my feelings, they try keeping pregnancies, etc a secret from me because they don't want me to feel bad... And that makes me feel worse.
And then I have bouts of anger when the teens in my neighbourhood seem to fall pregnant accidentally and the mums that don't seem to even want their babies. I want them, but struggle to have them.
It's rough. I don't think the pain or memory of it ever goes away, you just have to learn how to work around it. And become the favourite Aunty!
I relate to nearly everything everyone has said above - I have never suffered with anxiety or depression until now and the feelings and emotions rip me apart at times, with days where I wake up and just want to crawl back under the duvet. Feeling broken, worthless, jealous, angry, guility - it's affecting my relationship with my husband, with friends (not openly but in the ways sometimes I feel there is no point even broaching cos i'm just wasting my breathe or that their own personal circumstances make me angry tomwards them), horrible envious feelings when family members get pregnant (so so easily, the way it should be!) When you are the one doing everything right - taking your vitamins, watching your weight, giving up alcohol. What is the point when it doesn't help and it happens for everyone else efforlessly! Being around babies, seeing pregnant women and nursing mothers just gives a yearning so so strong you feel like your heart is breaking. Even feeling bad when holding our 3 month old neice and I can't console her, I feel incredibly worthless that she senses I should not ever and will not ever be a mother. I love my husband so much but sometimes feel like we will never be truly complete, there will always be a holein our lives that only loving a child can fill, and sometimes I fail to see any significant future without a child. I am currently seeing a CBT practitoner to try to help with the anxiety - we've not even started the IVF journey yet which scares me so badly as I know that is going to be so tough, and if it fails I just cannot contemplate never having my own child.
I hope the CBT works or is working for you. I found it useful and gave me addition strength when going through my first ivf cycle earlier this year which sadly didn't work. The experience allowed my hubby and I to get stronger together as there are no secretes left when going through ivf! It's totally do'able and your helped all the way through. thinking how lucky we are to have opportunities to help nature keeps me going and back for further transfers in the coming weeks. Your so normal in the way u feel, I wish u so much luck on your journey.
I feel this so true. I suffered a miscarriage 2years ago which triggered us to have tests for infertility. We had been trying for years. After a year of testing and going through a year of waiting I suffered a breakdown and diagnosed with depression. It was down to other issues as well but mainly down to my feeling of failure and not being able to accept the situation. I didn't go for promotions at work because I felt what if ... So I felt stuck with my life.
Everyone else was getting pregnant and the 'when u going to have children' q where getting worse. Families never know what to say and avoid u as they don't know what to say. This only made me feel worse.
When we went through our first ivf cycle this year, it brought hope back and sadness but I am now stronger for going through what I did so I and my partner are ready to deal with anything.
