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If my mum is refusing any out side help & is living in my home OT says she still has some Congenative abilities am I liable for her care?

Burnt out ,trapped

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Still having some cognitive abilities doesn't mean that your mother has the executive function necessary to initiate and carry out tasks like planning meals, buying and preparing the food or seeing that money is deposited in her checking account and used to make purchases and pay for housing. medical services etc. Ask for a more specific diagnosis and information on what care and services she needs now and may need in the near future.

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Thanks will keep that in mind still waiting for CT scan & psychology assessment but this has been going on since last September, she just says no to everything I’m wiped out ....

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This is a difficult one , but as a carer you are entitled to assessment of your needs not just your mums. Waiting times are often long these days except if there is an emergency. You are not necessarily liable for mothers care but as she lives with you they often expect you to look after your relative. I am not sure how they test , these days, for need of care but you hear some sad stories. Hope you get an assessment soon and they give you some assisstance, this is an option we found easier with my father-in-law. He used to go to a day center twice a week to give family a break. Best wishes

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Might be time to investigate Power of Attorney. If you can't explain things to her, and she refuses reasonable care adjustments, she could be losing capacity to make her own decisions. I am about to give my son a Power of attorney for when I am no longer capable of making my own decisions. (he is my carer.)

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My Mother gave me Power of Attorney a few years back. She is 88 and recently had a total knee replacement. Due to low sodium levels she was very confused and didn't recognise me one day so I had to liaise between the private hospital ( she was there on the NHS ) and the care home she'd arranged for aftercare off her own back. She either doesn't hear or doesn't understand, shouts me down and is very nasty at times but has missed out on a lot of information and is blatantly not taking a lot of things in! She was talking about rescinding my Power of Attorney ( she's gone very suspicious and secretive and talks to herself in a Gollum type manner ) and so I phoned up the solicitor as she doesn't want me to sort out her affairs although I've been having to do all this liaison since her op. The Power of Attorney has to be registered which I was unaware of and unless I can prove her mentally incapable it's not worth the paper it's written on! Apparently the solicitor asked her last year if she wanted to register it and she refused. She's also refusing to go to the doctor for a hearing test or to allow me to go to appointments with her. Testing times!

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Hi jcqb - I am in the same place as you. Mum has been in hospital now since my last post and agreed to carers so that she could come home. She is now kicking off when they arrive -as you say, she just says no to everything. Is even getting up in the night (11pm last night) to prove she can cope on her own. But she cannot. I just caught the kettle before she scolded herself. My plea to have her assessed for residential care met with a - you are able to care for her in the home! And anyway you will have to sell your property to fund the care as Mum is a join owner and you are not yet 60! I have an appointment with a Memory Clinic in a month's time. Until then my life is on hold - I have been on sick for 5 weeks now with high stress levels. I cannot leave her for any length of time, although I could work from home - I am exhausted from her nigh activities to be able to do my job.

Biggest problem I find is everyone says "it's hard", but real practical joined up help is very illusive. Everyone says speak to someone else. I have decided today to list all the issues I have and identify the possible solutions. Then I am going to shout for help.

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I had to phone memory clinic & plead for Mum to be moved up the list, now waiting for tests to be completed, I also had to give up my job as she was calling phone operator looking for me sometimes 20 times a day . Very much same situation start keeping a diary as memory clinic will also ask you what’s going on

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Hi i do feel for you but what I can not understand is why (I'm assuming your in the UK?) Why an OT thinks she can give you advice/suggestions as to what to do! What is your mothers GP/social worker doing? Not only to support your mother but also YOU. It is extremely hard to get the support but I would advise keeping a log of who said what/when they do it etc. Unfortunately there are to many people needing support from a system that wasn't designed to cope with the numbers needing it.

Good luck

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No social worker as of yet , new Gp & I have had to move from London to North Wales 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 to deal with this

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All very very stressful for you but maybe once you get to GP and explain your situation things will improve and I'm sure so a worker will help sott thing s out more

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Hello Jcqb,

Welcome to our supportive community. I'm glad you have reached out for help. You have begun to find how folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences. You are obviously having a difficult time right now. Being a carer for your mum, can often be a lonely and frustrating road. But we are here for you and listening, you are not alone!

Keep in touch!

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

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Thank you

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Continue to see yourself as a daughter not a carer. That said are there any day centres near you who could assist , I volunteered in one such centre run by Age UK.

This will give you a break, the only problem will be mum's refusal to get out the door.

If you consider taking up residential care then The local authority would put a charge on your mums share of the property and anything below £23000 is not chargeable , bear in mind capital, shares etc count as capital. If you live in social housing and your mum is below £23000 then neither of you are liable and social services should take up the costs.

Try get volunteer sitter from Age UK so you can get out for an evening. My experience of this service is age UK match volunteer and recipient so no problems with not allowing strangers in.

Please look after yourself and don't feel guilty about how you feel

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My mum doesn’t own any part of my house neither of us should be here it’s a buy to let mortgage which is making me twitchy, she was just unable to cope & I’m here but not doing so good with her

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Is your mum in danger if you went out on your own for a break. If not treat yourself to an afternoon away. I know I go on about Age UK but they have experienced volunteers who will be matched to your mum, arranging first few visits with you present then, hopefully , she will not be seen as a threat.

Good luck with your dilemma

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