Well, hello all, I am back again
After my joy at getting to 100+ alcohol free days last year, I ended up failing, primarily due to lockdown which affected me really badly. So around mid May I started drinking again, just a little glass of beer whilst we sat in the garden and did the crossword. And I didn't reach for wine until several weeks later, and I didn't drink it every day, but I did begin again. So here we are, mid March and I have had alcohol since May....not every day, in fact days and weeks without, but I have gone back to it even with those little gaps. I stopped again 1st March this year, but am struggling very much with right sided discomfort which started 8 days or so ago.
Some of you will recall I have huge health anxiety (despite being a nurse for 35yrs), and I tried to have a phone consultation with a GP last year when all of Covid was beginning, it was like I felt he was huffing and puffing at the end of the phone, til he said what exactly do you want from me, which made me feel worthless. I have been to GP twice since - neither time related to this, once with palpitations and once with some skin lesions that turned out to be cancer. Because I didn't feel the need to address any of my previous issues with alcohol, I felt OK about going. The process to get an appointment is by completing an online self referral form, they then triage it and either do telephone consult or invite you to a face to face appointment. On both occasions I saw different doctors, one trainee, one locum ......you may recall the GP I always saw (in the good old days you could ask for a particular GP) left the practice.....he had helped me a lot with numerous issues for 10yrs or more, I trusted him implicitly..... but in order to bite the bullet and get this investigated and a management plan, I would like to be able to see a regular GP again, somebody I don't have to explain everything - including my health anxiety - to each time I see them....and I know I shouldn't say it but somebody who won't judge me, as I sit there in front of them, a 58yr old woman who should have known better, who wont just stare at the computer screen but will look at me, listen to me.. I am sorry, I am sounding like a proper wuss!
The discomfort / pinch is pretty constant, with some aching in the right upper back, and under arm. I am so tired and lethargic, fall asleep whilst reading, have been going back to bed for a kip a couple of times a day, have dreadful belching and a discomfort in the breastbone, headaches and my IBS is turning cartwheels, despite very little appetite. I have no noticeable jaundice, in fact I am a tad pale, stools and urine normal colour. Feel dizzy and nauseous after eating, appetite down, bloated around braline in that bra feels tight, and at night I feel like there is something wrapped around, digging in when there isn't. Absolutely no energy.
I feel (or my health anxiety feels) that after worrying all these years, the outcome will be pretty poor for me now, so my anxiety is shredded, crying constantly, angry with myself. Just keep thinking how disappointed my Mum would be. Angry that I have thrown my chances away, angry that I have thrown our plans for the future away. Angry because I know that without lockdown I don't think I would have started again, but it became an escape I suppose, I haven't coped well with this isolation.
Sorry to ramble. Sorry to have had to make this walk, and hope you will let me come along and feel that I am amongst people who won't judge me. I feel so badly that I have let people down. That's all I ask, I don't think I will get that from anywhere else.
Thank you for your patience in reading my ramble. I am now going to start the self referral process for GP, but then ring them to ask to be registered to just one GP for every visit, as I do think being able to establish a relationship will help with my anxiety. But I have to do it!
Bless you all xx
Why does it take so long
How long can you live after liver transplant? 
How long have you been on the list?
Completed a charity walk 🎉🎉🎉
