I came across this forum and I hope it’s okay if I post and just seek some support to be honest.
My mum died at 57 two weeks ago and it’s breaking all of our hearts. When I was younger I remember her being a heavy drinker, from morning until night. She wasn’t a typical alcoholic that comes to mind - I think it was just in her culture to drink lots. I don’t know.
Anyway, two years back she was admitted to hospital with jaundice and she swore to me it wasn’t alcohol related. She said she had an infection and I just believed her, stupidly.
She cut down quite a lot but still drank every day. This year she got weaker and weaker blaming it on her osteoarthritis and again, despite her becoming wheelchair bound, I believed this was the cause. I haven’t seen her or my dad too much this year with covid and I had my first baby so it’s been pretty tough.
Anyway, three weeks ago she was taken to hospital and we weren’t allowed to visit due to covid. She didn’t want us calling her because she wasn’t feeling very strong and she was always tired.
She died five days later. We were allowed to see her when we were told she was dying and we were with her for over 48 hours waiting - it was horrific. She was unconscious and I never really got to say bye.
It’s tearing me apart that two years ago she was diagnosed with cirrhosis and didn’t tell us and she didn’t stop drinking. She cut down but that’s not enough.
I keep blaming myself for everything. I hate myself right now for not making more of an effort this year. I honestly didn’t know she was dying and I must have been stupid, blind!! We’d had our problems over the years but all in all we had a lovely relationship and we had so much to look forward to with her first grandchild and I just feel so guilty she’s not here.
She looked so frail every time I saw her but I didn’t know she was dying - her legs were very thin and her stomach big. Her eyes were yellow the last time I saw her but she denied it saying it was just the light. She wasn’t eating properly and hadn’t been for months.
I don’t know why I’m posting but I just miss her so much.
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Greensunflower21
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Sorry for your loss, it's a horrid disease and this is not your fault.
It's been an awful year for families not being able to be there for each other but not your fault you weren't able to help your mum. Sadly, the only person who had the power to stop your mum from becoming so ill was your mum. There is no such thing as a 'typical alcoholic' - even people who drink socially can be at risk and your mum will inevitably have been told that she shouldn't be drinking. Sometimes the addiction is just too strong and the denial comes to play. Sadly your mum is another victim of the poison that is booze.
We have several members who have lost loved ones with liver disease related to alcohol and they use their experience to help support others who could potentially go down the same very slippery slope.
I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose a parent and so much worse when you've just become one yourself. You will feel guilt and anger, but please know that no one chooses alcoholism and you have nothing to blame yourself for either. It sounds like your mum really didn't want you to know how bad things were and it probably gave her comfort that you weren't worrying or sorrowful about her during her last years. You shouldn't feel guilt for her choices. In time these feelings will lift and you'll reflect more on the good than the bad.
Awe im so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and what she went through but also what you went through and are going through...I totally get where you are coming from via feeling guilty in many ways with your mum because i felt the same way, my mum was the same, even though she stopped drinking , she still destroyed all her organs and died. I felt that guilt too, with the what if i had done this, what if i had that done, etc etc.....And then i realised, i was not in control of my mum, and thats when the guilt left me....and the same is for you, You have to tell yourself, you were not your mothers keeper, like all alcoholics (or any addiction) they are very good liars, and they lie because they are afraid of loosing control..Think on it this way also, you can not control what you didnt know. If your mum told you she had cirrhosis would you have done all you could to help or walk away? i believe your answer would be to help all you can, so you see you couldnt have helped what you didnt know.You say you didnt get to say your goodbyes, were you speaking to your mum when she was unconcious ? because even though she wasnt awake , the last to go is the hearing so she would have heard your words to her. I know its hard but dont think on how she looked and what wasnt done , think on the good times you had with her, the good memories of yourself and her.....You have a new baby and congrats on your baby,, Concentrate on your new baby, make a memory book for your baby of your mum, so even though your baby will never know her physically, he/she will get to know her through your memory book.
Remember your mum dieing and what she died from is NOT your fault, Its an addiction...
Come on here anytime because there is a lot of love and support for you here.
Dont beat yourself up its definitely not your fault are anything to do with you when your mum made her decision not to stop drinking the choice was made it was only going to end the way it did and believe me it would not have mattered what you are anyone would have said if her mind was to keep drinking nothing would have changed it it sounds as if she was in denial for a long long time the damage the drink was doing and blaming her condition on other illnesses you done the best you could you live your life with no regrets you done what you could do .Take care and Godbless x
I just want to send you a massive hug. I am so sorry for your huge loss, it is so sad that your mum didn't get to enjoy her first grandchild.
Please don't blame yourself, sometimes people don't want to talk about how ill they are, either because they don't want to face it themselves or because they don't want to cause hurt and pain in the people they love. My mum was one of those, she died 11 years ago from breast cancer at only 64 years old, different disease but in many ways her passing was very similar to your mum's.
I have had no experience of alcoholism in my life, thank God, but from what I have learned on this forum it is a terrible disease and my heart goes out to everyone struggling with it. Please mind yourself through these difficult days x
Thank you so much for all of your messages of support. I’ve found them really comforting this morning - it’s nice to talk about my mum again. I’m alone today looking after my baby and my mum would always ring me during the day and I miss her so much.
I feel like I’ve been the worst daughter this year - I don’t know if on some level I sensed something else was going on. I don’t know. But I’ve been in so much pain this year watching her get weaker and weaker - I even googled once could you die from osteoarthritis and it said no.
Because of the pandemic I’ve not seen her half as much as I would have done. She’s been so weak that she’s been unable to hold her grandchild when ever I’ve offered the opportunity which has been very very rare because I’ve been so worried about the virus. I wish I could do this year over and she could cuddle him as much as she wanted to. I’d see her every day despite the virus. But I didn’t. I saw her once a week, sometimes not even that because she was ill with stomach issues. I’ve not seen her properly for so long and the last time I hugged her was in March - sorry I’m sitting here in tears thinking about what I’ve thrown away due to stupidity and fear when one of my biggest fears, the one I didn’t even consider, came true.
I did talk to her when she was unconscious in hospital. I played her favourite music, Elvis and I showed her pictures of her grandson. I told her I loved her that I believed she would go to such a better place, one where she didn’t have to worry or be controlled by her body or anything. But truthfully after all this I’m not sure I even believe in another place.
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. Alcohol aside, l lost my disabled Mum 5 years ago now. We lived 180 miles apart. Sometimes she would ring me several times a day and l used to think oh god what does she want now? What l would give to have her ring me now ! We all have moments when they've gone, where we think l should have done more, she did know l loved her didn't she? Afterall she was the first one who held you, the first person you knew. I have filled my garden with her pots and plants and planted a rose bush in her honour with a name which suited her perfectly " Bright as a button! " l had some of her ashes made into a paperweight with a green swirl running through it .... the colour of her eyes and 2 tiny tear drops. She spent a lot of her time doing crosstitch and created many beauties, many of which l sold to raise money for her Cancer charity and my favourites l display on the wall of my workroom which many of my customers admire. All these little things create great comfort and l feel she is close by.... lt's like she might not be 'here' but she's definately 'there!'As regards alcohol being the cause of her death, lt killed my husband 10 years ago he was 54. The trouble is they can't even admit to themselves that they are alcohol dependant so to tell their families is even more difficult for them. Mainly, as l saw it, you would try to stop them ( as l did) and whether they want to or not when it reaches that point, they physically can't without professional help. They find it virtually impossible to ask for help very often through shame. So please please don't beat yourself up over it. You did everything you could. Concentrate on your little one and in time put aside the horror of what your Mum was put through thanks to alcohol, but instead remember and thrive on happier times and memories you shared together.
Stay strong and may 2021 be a better and easier year for you.
Love Laura xxx
So sorry for your loss. Condolences from us all at the British Liver Trust.
It is very early days and I can see all the support from our forum members.
I have included a link which may offer further help.
Hi Greensunflower21,I’m so sorry you and your dad are finding the holidays hard. It’s a very difficult time of year for all of us who have lost someone. I’ve found comfort in watching Christmas home videos from my childhood, even though they upset me, they bring me so much more joy to hear my dads laugh or see him playing Barbies with me. I was drawn to your post as I lost my dad in July to Liver cirrhosis, aged 56, so quite similar to that of your mother. I also struggled with the thought that I had been robbed of my remaining time with him due to lockdown. I saw him regularly and due to the restrictions, the first time I saw him since March was when he was hardly conscious in hospital and we were having to make end of life decisions... a few weeks after his funeral I sought grief counselling and found it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, just to be able to air these frustrations to someone professionally. I hope you find peace. Although I miss my dad every single day, I am now able to carry on with my life as he would have wanted me to and I wish the same for you x
Hi Greensunflower21 it’s very important to talk about your mum and the feelings that you have you must put your feelings into words to help yourself, if you can go and talk to the doctor and try to get counselling it will help .
HiI came across this because I lost my mum exactly the same way from exactly re same thing 6 days ago.
Reading you post breaks my heart because like you I have a very young baby and am pregnant with my second. My mum could barely hold my baby this past year. Like you I didn't know my mum had cirrhosis until it was too late and I had no idea my mum had a drinking problem. I spent a lot of time googling other possible causes for her symptoms.
And like you I didn't realise she was dying (although now it seems so obvious) and because of covid, I didn't spend as much time with my mum as I would have this year if I had known.
I don't have any advice or real comfort for you, other than to say you are not alone. If we both didn't see what was in front of our eyes despite having close relationships with our mums then maybe we can't blame ourselves...
I’m really sorry to read your post and hear we’re in very similar situations. Like another poster said, it doesn’t really get easier. I have days where I need to get out in the car, park up and just scream out all of my pain.
I don’t know about you but sometimes I feel I’m too busy to grieve because of lockdown and having a baby who nobody can take for an hour or two for me. He’s a lovely happy little boy but it’s hard work and sometimes I feel like all my pain is being bottled up.
Me and my dad were looking through old photos last night and it was shocking to see how much my mum had changed particularly in appearance. There were many pictures of her drunk, always holding a drink and I can’t get my head around how those choices have affected all of us. I’ll be flamed for saying this and rightly so but sometimes I feel absolutely livid about the whole thing. But, then I stop and remember that I won’t see her again, not in this life anyway and that alcoholism is a disease and, away from all of that, she was a lovely, kind, sensitive and shy person who didn’t have a lot of self confidence and didn’t have the easiest of lives.
I’m babbling again. I hope that you’re dealing with things okay. I remember writing my mum’s eulogy and it being incredibly therapeutic as I never got a chance to say goodbye I feel. I was with her but she was suffering with HE and unconscious so I’m not entirely convinced she heard everything I had to say and to hear how much I love her. Even writing this now just tears me up inside.
Look after yourself and try and have some alone time to walk, drive, cry, whatever. The funeral is the worst, leading up to it is horrible too and afterwards I imagine life will feel empty for a long time but, like another poster said, keep talking about them, remember the good times, hug our children and don’t let history repeat itself.
Thank you for replying Greensunflower.The funeral and the lead up was hard but now that it is over I feel like there is nothing to do but face my feelings... and they are very complex for me too. I feel very angry at times. I can't help but think how could she have kept drinking when she knew she was so sick and she knew it would mean I was left alone with all this sadness when I should be enjoying new motherhood. But then I too remember she was suffering and it is a disease that she just couldn't control. But then I feel guilty for not knowing and not helping.. it's very hard.
My only real hope at this point is that my mum is somewhere at peace with love ones who had passed before her.. and that when she died she knew I loved her more than anything.
All I can do now is hold my baby close and look after my dad as best I can.
Life is incredibly unfair sometimes.
Sending my love and hope you are doing better today xxx
My stepdad died the same way a few years ago. It doesn't get easier I'm afraid. The "what if"s and "if onlys" only deepen. If I would have known then what I know now, I could have forced him to get help and I might still have the man that raised me. He didn't tell anyone either. I can only assume that the alcoholic depression and possible dilerium caused that bit. My only advise is to keep her in your mind. Celebrate her birthday, tell you kiddo all about her. Keep her memory alive. In time, all things become normal, even if they're terrible. I sincerely wish you the best. It's a different kind of mourning pain.
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