Feeling helpless and hopeless....

[fizzix50]

Significant other has end stage liver cirhossis and has continued drinking against all advice. Most days I can cope with it, it is his decision after all. It is so hard to watch him do this to himself. He is a good father and husband except for the drinking. He doesn't get drunk, or abusive, or argumentative. But he has been told no level of alcohol is safe for him; hospitalised twice in the last year, once in a coma for 5 days. On days like today all I can think of is how long do we have together, how will I cope on my own (not worried about the practical simply the emotional), when will his next hospital admission be and will he survive this time? Train crash thinking I know. I have very supportive family and friends, but sometimes I just feel so lonely and uncertain for the future. We are due to go on holiday but I worry he will get ill when we are away and end up in a foreign hospital. I don't want to cancel the break as we desperately need it. I have a hypnotherapy session booked for 5 May to try and sort out this anxiety I feel. Has anyone else tried that and did it help? Sorry this post is so long.

[grace111]

please dont say sorry for you post or the lenght of it. im not in your situation but i wanted to welcome you and say hello. I really feel for you. With this being the Easter weekend many people will be away as im sure you would have had many replies by now as there are many people on here who look after thier partners. I can understand all your worries, it must be horrible for your to see, you will need some emotional support from people who have experience of this, its only natural to worry about all the things that your worrying about and you must feel so helpless to. my heart goes out to you. i pray that people in your situation will see your post and reply to you, so please dont think that your forgotten about or that no one understands or cares as its quite the opposite its just the holiday season. god bless your heart dear. you are such a loyal wife to be going though all this. all my love and hugs to you. love grace xoxoxo

[Joleigh in reply to grace111]

It is a worrying time and many of us have been in this situation. My husband is in a nursing home following a stroke and has cirrohsis. He does not have daily access to alcohol but still wants it, regardless of where it has taken him. This is not something you can change nor do you have to. As a wife and partner I visit and make sure that all is taken care of and that is my job now. The practical things.

I have learnt to detach with love. May I suggest that this is bigger than you and the way to find peace is to care for yourself and your family first, then help your husband with the practical things rather than worrying about him drinking. The worry will not achieve anything. Take time out for meditation, hot baths and early nights. This will hopefully keep you in a good place if it get worse.

Find a calm place and watch it unfold as an observer. Your partner is not a bad person as you say , sbut he is ill.

Hoping this helps!

[soooze50 in reply to Joleigh]

Joleigh, your reply is beautifully said with compassion and understanding, thankyou for sharing kindness, it is a powerful gesture x Sue

[carllovatt]

YES on a day to day practical we partners know we can cope 'after' but the space they will leave inside will be unfillable

[Geffy22]

Hi hun, ive been thinking about you hun.

its so sad when the will to carry on a habit is greater than the will to change. I am so glad you remain philosophical about choice and what you can do to.

When my hubby died, my future died with him, all our plans etc. A year after his death I still cant see a future for myself because Im really unsure whether the plans we had are still doable. If you can, start to think about a future without him, this will be upsetting, but it might help reduce the shock. But I want to be as honest as i can be, no matter how much you try to prepare yourself for the inevitable, it will still be a huge shock so give yourself some space and time.

Hugs

Di x

[fizzix50 in reply to Geffy22]

He has been such a massive part of my life, when the inevitable does happen, I know I will be distraught. I'm not sure you can ever get over losing someone you love so dearly, particularly a partner/spouse. As you say, all the dreams and plans you had vanish in that moment. I have been so busy focussing on him I hadn't given any thought to what might happen to me afterwards. I know eventually I will be OK, but it will be a challenge for sure. A year is such a short time for you to grieve, and as you say, even when you expect it, the eventuality and finality of it all will hit like a ten ton truck. I keep trying to concentrate on the positive - how lucky I was to have met him in the first place, and had a wonderful son with, and many many happy years, and not try and look ahead too far. When I am having a down day, feeling frightened about the future, that's what I try and hold on to, focussing on what we have had, rather than what we won't have. It is really hard though.

Thanks for your kind words and support. It does help knowing others have been through the same thing, and if not yet come out on the other side, are making strides towards a different life.

x

[grace111 in reply to fizzix50]

thinking of you dear im so glad that you have come onto the forum and got some support. love grace xoxoxo

[Geffy22 in reply to fizzix50]

We are not who we are without our experiences. Im so grateful to my hubby, we have 2 wonderful kids and i have 2 amazing step daughters, step son in laws and a step grandaughter. We are all better having had him in our lives - i am so glad you feel the same way.

Bless you all hun xoxo

[Jan314]

Sending love and a hug x

[baby2016]

Hello. I just wanted to say I'm in a sort of similar boat. My hubby was diagnosed at 15 with chrons and liver disease (psc) he'd been fine expect for a few chrons hospitalisation until just after I met him at aged 30. We've been married for 2 1/2 years and I wonder if our life will ever get better. He had a huge relapse last year and needed part of his bowel removing due to it being blocked. But because of how bad his liver disease was they decided a stent needed to be placed in his liver first to prevent the huge back pressure of blood being forced into his bowel. The stent op nearly killed him and he developed severe H.E and punched me across the ward. It was horrible to see and a day I never really want to relive again, although a part of me knows I probably will. He was put in an induced coma and two days later part of his bowel was removed. Ironically he was the first person in 50yrs to have this op as normally HE is treated by trying to remove the toxins from the body but because his bowel was blocked they couldn't. HE used to be treated by bowel removal but no longer is, but for my hubby this needed to be done for him to survive, of which he did, and has made a good recovery, but I know his liver disease is now at the end stages. We've not slept in the same bed since before he was admitted last September, due to his constant itching and insomnia, and his eyes seem yellow more than before and sex just seems a very distant memory. Some nights I cry myself to sleep as I feel so alone and is by far from the life I wanted for us both. Throughout all this I've had 6 miscarriages, 4 natural and 2 via ivf and for us to go through all my hubbys health issues and the miscarriages breaks both our hearts. My biggest fear is I lose him and we never have a child and I'm completely all alone. I' d queried adoption but been told that my hubbys liver disease may be an issue and they'll have to see what the doc says at the time of our application. It all makes me so angry. He still manages to work full time which I admire him for but I know this will change in the future. Life can just be so unfair at times. I'm emotionally a very strong person but sometimes the people caring just need someone to wrap their arms round you and just let you sob and sob. Everyone I know just pressumes my hubbys ok as it used to be his chrons that was the main issue. No-one, even his family fully understand the liver side of things and I feel like screaming sometimes that he may not even be here in 5yrs, as he was diagnosed with PSC 19years ago and I know he's stage 4 now. It's just all so crap isn't it. My hubby doesn't drink now, but he did, socially and sometimes I scream at him and tell him that how he used to lead his life is now impacting our future. I know it doesn't make the situation better but sometimes I just need to let him know how much all of this is effecting me. So just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel x

[fizzix50 in reply to baby2016]

Oh my lovely, at least I had many many years before this came to the fore; I so feel for you - it is so hard to keep on caring day after day, knowing what the outcome will be and wondering how you will cope. You are so young to be going through this. Thank you for sharing your story. x

[Millie09]

After reading all of the above posts with full of support and love for those who are struggling right now with their partners and loss of ... I have cirrhosis now 9yrs , live on my own and only just been referred to qe hospital liver unit. I can relate to every single one of you only with me it was my father but with cancer. You are all truly amazing people, take each day as it comes because we can't control things or even know what's round the corner, I have only just come to terms with the loss of my dad after 4 years.. it still makes me sad I have lost my best friend but he is no longer in pain and at peace with my mum. Sending you all love and big ((( hugs)) .Linda x

[Liver3]

Interesting reading, sorry hubby is so sick. If he deinks a little not getting drunk or hateful, it must calm him maybe valium sedative would help? Just a thought. Glad you have family and friends for support you need that. I guess, the drugs given hubby gave him cirrhosis! Geez, That happened to me from liver treatments so Im looking at transplant keep the faith!

[Ninie]

I to feel hopeless and helpless most days , My hubby has cirosis and was hospitalised for 10 days with HE which leaves you drained and sad. I try to avoid thinking what the future holds for him and me.

[fizzix50 in reply to Ninie]

So hard isn't it? One minute you want it all to end and be all over, and the next you desperate for them to pull through. THen the drinking starts again and the whole cycle of despair continues