DAD: My dad died this morning just... - British Lung Foun...

British Lung Foundation
41,686 members47,915 posts

DAD

hope132
hope132
41 Replies

My dad died this morning just wanted to let you know.he had a great life lived till 84 and was married for 62 years to a women who adored him to his last breath.i will be going to West Palm wed or Thursday for his service.he is out of pain and the way I look at it is that if you live long enough you will see the people you love go away.its inevitable.its the nature of the beast.i am now getting pressure to quit my job and move to West Palm with my mom.it was my dad's wish.my mom has never been alone her entire life married at 19 now 81 she is scared and I don't blame her.truth be told I don't want to do it.i am surrounded by water I fish I swim I run on the beach ,there will be none of that there beach far away.love my mom but living there whole different ball game.nothing to do am I suppose to sit by pool the rest of my life.am I selfish do I completely give up the last part of my life .I don't even want to be in Florida,have dreams of going back to mountains and woods.go there it's game over for me.sister says you have to live your life and do what makes you happy and I feel my dad should have said the same thing instead of demanding I drop it all.been taking great care of myself and my dream is to be able to be walking in the mountains at the last part of my life.i will miss my dad every second of everyday till I die ,I don't want to be selfish all I want to do is grab a piece of happiness the last part of my life like my dad and mom had.is that so wrong.

41 Replies
oldestnewest
Damon1864
Damon1864Volunteer

No it's not wrong at all, I'm sure your mum will understand. So sorry to hear about your dad but you have to do what makes you happy. Maybe your mom could live near you. You have a good day and take care of yourself 😊 Bernadette xx

1 like
Reply
sassy59

Sorry to hear about your dad but take your sisters advice and live your life. Hopefully your mum will stay close by. Xxxxx

2 likes
Reply
skischool

very sorry to hear of your loss but somehow comforted as you are by the fact that your mum and dad had such a good time together.you are not bad to feel the way you do and i am sure you will be able to find compromises which include caring for your mum from a distance with visits when you can and living your own life,where there are ways there are means to accomplish this with the help of other family members.

4 likes
Reply
judes

Sending love and hugs at this sad time.

My Dad died 11 years ago quite suddenly and yes I miss him, my parents had been married 50+ years.

At the time I was separating from my then husband, it was suggested that I go and live near my mothers. Now, this was not going to happen and i later moved further away!

You have to live your life as you see fit, don’t be emotionally blackmailed into doing something you don’t want to do and the chances are cos you don’t want to do it won’t work.

Love and hugs

J

3 likes
Reply
2greys

Would it not be possible for your Mother to join you, in the mountains?

4 likes
Reply
Comino2

So sorry to hear of your loss.I echo 2 greys response xx

1 like
Reply
HungryHufflepuff

I am very sorry for your loss.

Reply
CELAT06

Hi, sorry for your loss, but, as others have said. You have to love your life as you wish. If you do go and live with your mum you will only end up being miserable and resenting it and that won’t be good for either of you. Could your mum come and live close to you or with you ? That may solve the problem of her being on her own. I hope you can find a mutually agreeable solution for you both. Best wishes, lots of love, Christine. XXX

1 like
Reply
Caspiana

Oh Hope. *Gentle hug*

It was coming ,as we knew it would. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. I'd imagine your dad had you and your mother at the foremost of his mind when he was getting ready to leave. Like any parent and spouse, he probably wanted the two of you to be as okay as he could have left you. Hence his request you move to your mum's. No matter how grown our children are, we never stop wanting to care for and protect them. I can see his reason for wanting you close with your mum. But ultimately, he would want you to be as happy as you could possibly be. And so does your mum. Let the dust settle. There is no need to rush into anything. Kindly and gently explain how you feel to your mum. I have no doubt, there will always be a place in your home for your mum if she came to stay or even just a visit.

Life is fleeting, you have every right to be happy. Sending you my love and some strength for the coming days. May he rest in peace.

Cas xx 🌹

10 likes
Reply
hypercat54

So sorry to hear that hope. Sending condolences x

Reply
jackdup

So sorry to hear of your loss and the tough decision you must now make.

Reply
CozmoCreepers

I’m so sorry for your loss.

No you are not at all selfish. You must always do what makes you happy, and never feel pressured into doing something that you don’t want to do, especially if you feel strongly about it.

Sometimes we do have to do things we don’t want to, little things. But you should never uproot your life to make someone else happy knowing it will make you unhappy.

Why did your dad want you to move? If he felt is was a “sensible” option for you given any health issues you have etc, that doesn’t mean it’s the right option for you. If you are happy and coping, you’re dads passing won’t change any of that.

Please don’t feel obligated to do something you know will not ever make you happy, especially now your dad has passed and it’s what he wanted.

Our parents don’t always know what’s best for us, they think they do, but they don’t. I should know, I haven’t seen my parents for 2 years. They controlled me all my life, and since the split, I am living my life how I feel is best. Do I always make the right choices for myself? No, but I am free to make those choices and learn those lessons for myself. And the right choices far outweigh the wrong ones. My life is so much less stressful now. I’m happier deep down. I’m not saying your parents are as difficult as mine, in any way, but don’t allow yourself to be guilt tripped into doing something you know deep down will make you unhappy, especially now and at the moment.

Allow yourself to grieve, and make peace with your dads passing, and know that now he understands you better than he ever did in life.

1 like
Reply
Croydonia

So sorry hope, but your dad had a very happy life with your mum, and he wouldn’t want to see you unhappy. I wonder why your mum can’t come and live with you, that seems an ideal compromise. It wouldn’t be easy for her to make new friends etc, but she needs to think of you. Why not invite her for a few weeks to see how if it would work? I hope you can resolve this.

Reply
Ergendl

Sincere condolences, Hope132. No matter how long the wait is, it still comes as a shock.

I did move back to care for my dementia-affected father when he was in his 80s, some time after Mum had died, leaving the town where I had settled to return to south London. In fact, he survived only three months, so I was back in my new home town after about 9 months. And married my lovely present husband 4 years later. Never regretted any of it.

What I am trying to say is, you have to make your own choices. But sometimes the choices can still take you back to where you want to be even if you don't expect them to. Just do what you feel is right for you.

Reply
Rayswife

I am sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. Like others here have said, you should do what is right for you. As far we know we have only got one life so we must live it the best way we can. It sounds like your parents had a good life together doing what they chose to do. My advice would be not to make any big changes while you are all newly grieving. My condolences to you and your family.

Reply
CDPO16

I'm sorry that you have lost your dad but glad that you have good memories of his life and of your parents' happy marriage.

Before my dad died he told me to take care of my mum. I have a younger sister and I know that he didn't say the same thing to her. I always felt guilty after that if I put myself first. I hope that you don't end up in the same situation and that, in time, things work out in a way that is best for you and your mum.

Reply
HummingbirdM

Sincere condolences Hope x

Reply
kathbrad3

So sorry for your loss xx

Reply
dickinson1954

Sorry to hear about your dad. Have a good chat with your mum when she has come to terms with her grieve. x

Reply
Loopylorre

Condolences to you for your dad, you are entitled to a life, don’t give up on your dreams, my daughter asked me if I wanted her to do for me as I did for my dad, I said no, have a life, you can visit your mum, regularly call her, you say you have a sister, she can too so your mum always has someone speaking to her, but don’t give up on your dreams, life is short, make the most of yours, you can still include your mum, but you don’t have to live with her, take care 💕💐

Reply
Kakariki

So sorry to hear of your loss my friend .As I see it your Mum And Dad had a fantastic long life together they probably did what they wanted or could do in there there lives I don't think it's selfish in anyway that you should not live yours .I know you probably feel guilty at having these thoughts and it must have been difficult to put it all together and reach out to us in your heart wrenching post. Yes your Mum will find it strange and lonely at times is there not friends near her or organisations that are around .I think your Sister is right to encourage you to basically live YOUR life .

Take care.....

Reply
FlossyF

So sorry to hear your sad news. Thinking of you. Xxx

Reply
Dedalus

So sorry for your loss. Condolences to all family and friends. I agree with others, that you must live your live as you wish and as others have said, look into your mum moving to be with you rather than the reverse.

Reply
Response

My deepest condolences. Losing a parent is painful.

Helping your mum in the early stage of her grief and some practicalities is of course any adult child's responsibility, however providing that a parent is still capable of independent thought and living, you aren't responsible for making their life for them.

As your mum loves you, after the initial shock wears off, she will, I'm sure want you to have a full life like she had and to make your own life choices. And who knows, she may find a new , different life and friends that she loves, so sacrificing your own life and dreams wasn't necessary anyway.

1 like
Reply
Patsy164

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Reply
Bingo88

Condolances to you hope132. Think you have to do whats best for you. Talk it over with your Mom if possible. See if its possible for her to move closer to you. Or possibly you and your sister can agree to share the looking after your Mom. So you can all be happy doing your own thing. Hugs and thoughts to you hope132 xxx. Brian

Reply
Blackcat99

So sorry for your loss, hope132 On top of your grief, I think we can all sense your panicky feelings about just how badly this could affect your own life, if you let it do so.

Your mum must be feeling totally adrift right now, and you all need to support one another through this time - but please remember that major decisions made in a time of grief very rarely turn out to the right decision in the long run, so don't allow yourself to be pushed (either by other people or by a sense of duty) into anything.

If you give up your own life and move to an area/lifestyle which doesn't suit you, you risk making two people really miserable - yourself, and your mother who would probably ultimately sense your unhappiness too. I doubt if you father would have wanted that situation for either of you.

She could move closer to you, but remember that, if she leaves an area in which she has lived for a long while and has friends, she will become much more dependent on you and require a whole lot more of your time.

Maybe you and other family could commit to spending reasonable amounts of time with her, throughout the year and keep in regular touch in between times on WhatsApp, Facebook, etc.? (If she doesn't use either, it's not too late for her to learn!)

Good luck with whatever you decide. Let us know how you get on?

Reply
cofdrop-UK

Dear hope, Please acept my sincere condolences to you and your family on the passing of your precius Dad.

To answer your question no you definitely are not wrong in wanting to live your life in the way which makes you happy.

I wonder if the ‘pressure’ you speak of has come from your Dad’s passing words or from your dear Mum! It is extemely raw for you all and very early days. Your Mum may need help during these early days with all there is to do and the practicallities and there is no reason why you and your sister can’t continue to support her, as I am sure you will as you sound lovely people.

Your Mum might not want to come and live with or close to you, away from everything she knows and is used to, anymore than you want to leave all you know and enjoy to move in with your Mum. It also doesn’t autumatically mean that it will work to have a grown up child living with your Mum.

This is going to take a lot of thought and discussion and I am sure, given that your Mum is well supported, things will level out to suit everyone.

You are a good person to be torn so but selfish, definitely not.

Whatever decision you make eventualy, will, I am sure be the right one.

Love cx

1 like
Reply
RedSox

God bless you Hope and May your father Rest In Peace . I too agree with you and too do like Florida . I love the 4 seasons and hope as you live my remaining life in upstate New York or Vermont in the mountains where it is a wee bit colder and somewhat harder to breathe but the air is cleaner and fresher I understand you . God bless

Reply
Chriskho

So sorry for your loss Hope .

You only have 1 life.

Hope you get chance to see your Mom as often as you can .....but it is so easy for a kind soul to sacrifice their own life and dreams for another’s?

Kind regards and best wishes Cx

Reply
Nicholatracy

So sorry to hear about your Dad. Is it possible to take a LOA to spend some time with your Mum for a couple of months to get her settled?

Reply
Izb1

So sorry for your loss deepest condolences to you and your family. Perhaps you could spend time with your Mum and then bring her back to stay with you for a little while until things settle , you could then sit down and talk things through with your Mum x

Reply
pegbl

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and I send my deepest condolences. I do hope you can find some way to resolve your difficulties about you dads wishes. Xxx

Reply
mauschen

My heartfelt sympathy on the death of your dad and to your mum for losing her husband, companion and life long friend. Losing a parent is never easy no matter how old you are.

On your family dilemma, and it’s only my opinion, I would spend a wee bit of time with your mum just now because she is hurting and needs you. During this time I would buy her an electronic device and show her how to use it for answering your calls or messages. If you can do face to face calling it might ease her loneliness and anxiety about being alone.

Age is no barrier to operating devices, she doesn’t need to understand how they work, simply which button to press when you call or when she would like to call you.

The simplest solution of all would be to sit down and talk to her. With 62 years of marriage behind her, she is undoubtedly a strong woman. Be honest and tell her how you feel. It might have been your dad’s wish that you move back home however, maybe it’s not your mum’s. I wouldn’t want my daughter living with me for all the tea in China ... but I love her dearly. It might surprise you what your mum’s wishes are!

Reply
Ksb6420

So sorry to hear about your dad. My condolences to you and your family. Please make a decision that will make you happy. I know we all love our parents but I just could never of lived with my mom.

Reply
NuttyNan9

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss and I don't think you're being selfish at all. Your mum and dad had a very long and happy life together and lived as they wanted and where they wanted, and I think you're entitled to do the same. I'm quite sure your mum will fully understand and not expect you to just basically give up your life to care for her. I hope you can get this sorted out amicably for all concerned. x

Reply
Corin1950

So sorry to hear of your dad’s passing .

You’ve been given some very good advice above and I’m sure you’ll make the decision that right for you.

Sending you my best wishes

Corin

X

1 like
Reply
Elephantstraw

Sorry for your loss. I can understand both sides of your dilemma but why should you be unhappy for the rest of your life? You have a sister, is she being asked to move? You can visit your Mum and she you but to give up your lifestyle is such a big ask. All good wishes.

Reply
megshafer

You have my sympathy and understanding.

If you open up your heart, you will always find your Dad, right there, this I know.

Meg

Reply
Collie4

Sorry for your loss. It’s a horrible time to go through.

Try stay strong and positive. Do what’s in your heart. Life is precious and we have to take each day we are given as it comes.

There are lots of friends on here that listen and understand.

I hope things work out right for you.

Reply
Joobie666

Would your mother be able and fit enough to move in with you ?

Reply

You may also like...