Tomorrow is Wednesday
You are going to have a shorter version of jokes today as I am completely tired so excuse me if I have offended anyones laughter after their cup of coffee.
I will Do my best,
are you sitting comfortably
shall we begin
A mother receives a telephone call from school telling her that they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool. "But everyone does that," she says. "Not from the top diving board, they don't." was the reply.
A Union Leader was reading his granddaughter a bedtime story. "Once upon a time and a half......"
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
"Grandpa, have you got your own football?" asked his young grandson. Puzzled, Grandpa replied, "No, Billy, I don't play football anymore. Why do you ask?" "Because I heard Dad say that when you kicked it, we'd all be able to afford a good holiday."
Teacher to his student: Give me the opposite to this sentence "Children in the dark make mistakes." Student: "Mistakes in the dark make children."
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten pound note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten pound note to the teacher.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
There once was a lady named Sue
Who had nothing whatever to do
And who did it so badly
I thought she would gladly
Have stopped before she was through.
There once was a Thingamajig--
Like a Whatsis, but three times as big.
When it first came in view
It looked something like you
But it stayed and turned into a pig.
I once knew a word I forgot
That means, "I am sorry we met
And I wish you the same."
It sounds like your name
But I haven't remembered it yet.
There once was an ape in a zoo
Who looked out through the bars and saw YOU!
Do you think it's fair
To give poor apes a scare?
I think it's a mean thing to do.
There once was a Martian named Zed
With antennae all over his head.
He sent out a lot
But nobody knows what he said.
There once was a hunter named Paul
Who strangled nine grizzlies one Fall.
Nine is such a good score,
So he tried for one more
But he lost. Well, you can't win them all!
Speedy Sam, while exploring a cave,
Had what I call a very close shave.
He stepped on a bear,
That had dozed off in there.
I'm glad he was faster than brave.
There once were two back-country geezers
Who got porcupine quills up their sneezers.
They sat beak to beak
For more than a week
Working over each other with tweezers.
Said a salty old skipper from Wales,
"Number one, it's all right to chew nails.
It impresses the crew.
It impresses me too.
But stop spitting holes in the sails!"
There once was a poor boy named Sid
Who thought he knew more than he did.
He thought that a shark
Would turn tail if you bark.
So he swam out to try it --- poor kid!
There was a young fellow who thought
Very little, but thought it a lot.
Then at long last he knew
What he wanted to do,
But before he could start, he forgot.
Coca Cola went to town, Diet Pepsi shot him down.
Dr. Pepper fixed him up, Now were drinking 7up.
7 up got the flu, now were drinking Irn Bru.
Irn Bru fell down a mountain, now were drinking from a fountain.
Fountain broke. People choke. Now were back to drinking coke.
Boys have the muscles
Teachers can’t count
Girls have the sexy legs
So you better watch out
Roses and Violets
roses are red
violets are blue
i got my bonus
now, i drive a pretty fast lotus
Funny Rhyme for an EX
“If you think I want you back,
then you must be smoking crack!”
Please just stop,
Your making my stomach turn into a knot,
Your breath is kicking,
You have peoples eyes twitching,
So get 2 tic tacks or maybe the whole damn pack
Coca Cola went to town,
Diet Pepsi shot him down.
Dr Pepper fixed him up,
now we’re drinking 7up.
7up got the flew, now we’re drinkin Irn Bru.
Irn Bru fell down a mountain,
now we’re drinking from a fountain.
Fountain broke. People choke.
Now we’re back to drinking coke.
Murphy’s Laws of Offices
1. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced,you can’t be promoted.
3. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in and say nothing about the other.
4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
5. There is never enough time to do it right the first time but there is always enough time to do it over.
Six Funny Laws in Florida
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.
Hunting and killing a deer while swimming is illegal.
It is against the law to put livestock on a school bus.
It is against the law to dream about another man’s wife or cow.
If you wish to go swimming in the ocean, you must get dressed in your hotel room.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
Eight Laws In Delaware Which Will Make You Laugh
One may not whisper in church.
No sand may be taken from the beach.
Women must not drive while wearing a house coat.
No person shall change clothes in his or her vehicle.
Horse racing is not allowed on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk.
Ugly men are not allowed to go into the city before darkness.
Changing into or out of a bathing suit in a public restroom is prohibited.
Seven Stupid Laws in Connecticut
It is against the law to see a UFO.
You will be fined $1 if you frown in public
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
You aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
10 Funny Laws in Colorado
It is unlawful to walk under a ladder.
Catapults may not be fired at buildings.
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
Boulders may not be rolled on city property.
Couches may not be placed on outside porches.
It is illegal to crash into obstacles on a ski slope.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Cats tails are chopped if they meow in the dark.
It is against the law for children over the age of eight to wet the bed.
Ten Stupid Laws in California
Bowling on the sidewalk is illegal.
Growing oleander flowers is illegal.
Crushing rocks in the city limits is forbidden.
Foretelling the future for donations is illegal.
Getting drunk on a playground is against the law.
Driving a herd of cattle down a street is against the law.
All dog waste must be removed from any yard within seven days.
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Children may not wear a Halloween mask unless they get a special permit from the sheriff.
Eight Stupid Laws of Alaska
It is illegal to string a wire across any road.
No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car.
No one can carry a bow and arrow within city limits.
It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
Intentionally avoiding walking on the cracks in the pavement is illegal.
Waking a bear for the purpose of taking photographs is strictly prohibited.
A person may only carry a concealed slingshot if that person has paid for the appropriate license.
Stealing snow from a neighbors garden to make a snowman is against the law but you can use it for an igloo.
And we think that we have stupid law in the UK
A Man Was Watching A Movie At Home And Suddenly Shouts “Nooooooooooooo!” Don’t!!!!!!
Get Off The Horse!
Its A Trap!!
Wife: What Are You Watching?
Man: Our Wedding DVD….
Girl In Electronic Shop
One girl went to a electronic shop in anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a person
from she bought.
She told the salesman that you have… cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop..
Salesman : Madam, can you please try infront of me.
This is what She did,
1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.
A famous inspirational speaker said:
“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.”
Audience was in shock and silence.
He added: “She was my mother”
(A big round of plause & laughter)
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife”
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: Don’t Copy, if you can’t Paste
Girl and Boss
Girl Came Angrily Out Of Boss’s Cabin
A Friend Asked- Why are you so sad?
Girl- He Asked Me are you Free Tonight?
I Said Absolutely Free Sir…
That idiot Gave 60 Pages To Type!
Hard to Find
Mr. Anderson: I am very lucky. When I talk with my wife, she always bows her head.
Mr. Smith: That’s great man, wives like that are hard to find.
Mr. Anderson: Not really, she bows because she is taller than me.
The Invisible Man married an Invisible Woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
A young boy came home from school with a sofa slung across his back and carrying two armchairs. His father said crossly: "I told you not to accept suites from strangers."
A mother found an S+M magazine under her son's bed. She asked her husband: "What should we do?" "Well," said the husband, "I don't think you should spank him..."
My kid is a born Doctor. Nobody can read a word he writes.
Little Billy's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears. Billy and his mum went to visit the baby and Billy was warned not to mention the ears or he'd be spanked. Billy looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. Lovely feet, hands and skin. How's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Billy replied "That's good cos he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
I got one of those anti-bullying wristbands the other day........ I stole it from a little fat ginger kid!!
On that subject I know that they are not up to my normal standard.
But how can I let my friends down.
Have a great sunny Wednesday
Breath Easy my friends