Grieving for my mum so suddenly

[Kaz4227]

Hi everyone my name is Karen and I’m looking for any support from anyone who has gone through something similar to me

I recently lost my mum age 59 very suddenly from acute myocardial infarction (heart attack ) and I’m struggling to come to terms with how sudden it was and what a shock it has been to me ,my dad and my twins lives . She had recently been on holiday to Devon with my dad on a coach holiday and while they were away towards the end my mum lost her voice and my dad had a very mild cold they came back and tested postive for Covid that evening , i saw my mum at 7:30 at the front door to drop some milk round and she felt perfectly fine was laughing and joking away at the door , later that evening my dad called at 10pm to let me know she had been sick and had a tummy upset , she had fainted but had come back round very quickly , he told me he had called an ambulance and was waiting I offered to come round to help but they both said no and that mum was fine, my dad then called 30 mins later to say the ambulance was there and she was fighting for her life 😢 I drove round as I’m only up the road from them and everything after that was so traumatic hearing them working on mum upstairs , after my dad phoned the first time she has collapsed again and my dad had to perform CPR until the ambulance got there , they tried desperately to save her for an hour when they did get her heart going again , I knew she had been out for an hour so knew there wasn’t much hope in regards to her brain but I was still hopeful they got her heart started again and that she may survive

we followed the ambulance to the hospital and once there she got taken to resus where her heart stopped again , they took 10 mins to get it started again by this time it was very weak and they informed us her chances were very slim of surviving but she was still there however if her heart stopped again they wouldn’t attempt any further medical assistance , she was taken to ICU and for a scan but they told us 2 hours later to prepare to say goodbye and that she had severe hypoxia of the brain due to lack of oxygen for so long and wouldn’t ever wake up ,

We went in to see her and she passed away on her own infront of us without us having to make decisions to turn off her machines ,her heart just stopped one final time, an image I’m struggling to get out of my head

We had a call a few days later telling us it was Covid pneumonia as her cause of death me and my dad knew it couldn’t have been as she had zero symptoms Of Covid other than a slight loss of voice it didn’t make sense how I could see her at 7:30 laughing and joking and her collapsing 3 hours later and never recovering

We fought for answers and a post mortem which was so stressful as I caught Covid off my dad as he came to live with me after her passing and was very ill but I didn’t give up trying to get answers into her death and it was revealed she had acute myocardial infarction and it wasn’t infact Covid and it didn’t play a part in her death what so ever , which was some comfort to us as my dad blamed himself for going away and them catching Covid,he was struggling to come to terms with the fact their holiday could’ve killed her

I keep replaying that night over and over in my head and how can she suddenly be gone so quickly in the way she did

No one my age (34) close to me has lost a parent and I’m really struggling to come to terms with the sudden loss over it , what she will miss out in the future with my twin boys who adored their nanny and I can’t help seeing daughters out with their mums and it breaking my heart I won’t ever have that again

I guess I’m just here to hear similar stories of what other people have gone through and to know I’m not alone in my thoughts

Her funeral isn’t until 20th May which feels like so long away, I feel like that night she passed I left that hospital without her and walked away from her 😢 I’m going to visit her in the chapel of rest this Friday to try and say goodbye properly as when I said goodbye in the hospital I was just numb from the shock and was all gowned up in PPE I didn’t feel like I took it all in what was happening and the shock of saying goodbye to my mum

Sorry for such a long question thank you if you got this far!

Karen x

[Kaz4227]

I wanted to add I’m on anti depressants from the doctor and beta blockers to try and Control my anxiety and panicking , once I start thinking of my mum and replaying it all in my head my chest is so tight and I really go into a panic mode where I feel like I can’t breath , I know this is probablynormal and part of the grief and my minds way of trying to process it all but it’s so hard

I can’t face going back to her house where my dad has moved back to and I’m not sure I ever will be able to especially as that’s where it happened , I guess I need to face it sooner rather than later but living with this pain of losing her is so difficult i know going there will open up a whole

New pain level of grief I’m not sure I can handle 😢

[Eadaoin in reply to Kaz4227]

No words will ever be enough to comfort you at this sad and dark time and I do hope you are being supported with kindness and love. Your mother sounds a delightful lady and losing her so suddenly and in such a distressing way is extremely hard. She will leave a very big gap in your life, one which can never be filled. Your dad and your family may be leaning on you now and your own grieving will have to be partly set to one side as practical arrangements crowd in on your attention. Be particularly kind to yourself, use anything that helps. You will eventually find a place of peace…but it may take a very long time to reach it. Then you will be able to smile again as you think of your Mum. Precious memories will always be there for you to find.