My 16 year old has just been diagnosed with Aspergers (ASD) and we are struggling)

[Jorhat]

Hello

My 16 year old boy has just been diagnosed with Aspergers. This surprised us - as a child he struggled with social interaction (no friends) but managed school work well with minimum effort although he struggled with organisation and auditory processing. This last year things have become worse triggered by lockdown, sports cancelled and pressure from board exams and he has decided he “cannot cope” which then got us to have him assessed for these difficulties

At the moment I am struggling to draw boundaries as I cannot differentiate between “a teenager pushing the boundaries” and a “a teenager who we need to give more leeway to” - he says the only thing that makes him happy is computer gaming with his friends he met online and that is dominating. Last night I took away his phone and he has locked his door and said he won’t return to school !!! Do I take a hard line and say “no school, then no computers” - he is pushing the boundaries all the time, more and more since he has been diagnosed !!

We are waiting for professional help But until then any advice would hep

Thanks

Jorhat

[Jorhat]

Wondering if anyone has seen this - I am new to this and have not seen any responses from anyone - Jorhat

[PearCider]

Autistic people are all different so there is no hard and fast to this... but they will tend to have traits in common.

Whereas you might draw energy and vitality from meeting people, you might find it enjoyable and invigorating, he's more likely to find it highly stressful and exhausting. Lockdown or not, it would be very understandable if he wanted to minimise interactions with others.

From his point of view online encounters such as in video games will have attractions. He can interact without actually meeting them, and whenever he feels he's had enough he can always use the great British Off Switch and it will all go away. It's also possible he is getting emotional support from other gamers and is talking to them online about how he feels and his problems. I'm not saying he is, but it's possible and if he is then pulling the plug on his games would remove that source of support.

I would suggest trying to push him into interactions he doesn't want would be likely to be counterproductive, but online games do have other disadvantages, in particular large amounts of screen time won't do his eyes or much else any good. Online sports aren't exercise in the way that real sports are.

My instinct is not to play hardball. I'd go with reasonable amounts subject to any budget implications such as mobile costs, and checking he's aware of things like the health risks of extended screen use and the risks of online grooming or hackers - if he can't see them, they could be anyone.

When lockdowns lift and something approaching normality returns, I'd also be tempted to say to him, if you're interacting with people in person let's make sure they know you're autistic and have some understanding of what that is, and have a rule where possible that if he decides even in the middle of something that it's all too much then he can withdraw somewhere safe and quiet, even if it's only to another room with a book.

I haven't had teenagers, but I gather for them to be moody and spend hours in their rooms doing goodness alone knows what is normal, whether or not they're autistic.

[Jorhat in reply to PearCider]

Thank you Pear Cider - great advice and really appreciate it. He asked to move schools for 6th form so he can start anew on the social side - which is positive as he wants to try but may be a disaster as well We will decide by March

Thx again for your response

Jorhat

[Aviarie in reply to Jorhat]

Get him autism training as asperger now part of autism spectrum. Theory of mind seeing how other view issues

[Aviarie in reply to Aviarie]

I was told to go job to job my mother died and wanted me to have 300,000 more besides a house I inherited.

[Jorhat in reply to Aviarie]

Thanks for that