Partner is Aspie

[wiserlady]

Hi there, my guy has aspergers . But he is a wonderful man in many ways. We should concentrate on the positive side of it.

[PearCider]

Um, I was looking for the rest of this post but it appears to be short and sweet, so not sure if there was anything you were particularly looking for. Having been on the other end of this, I can tell you that he will drive you completely up the wall and round the bend. Try very hard not to spend two thirds of the time being mad at him for being completely exasperating (he does have feelings, even if he doesn't show them much, and that will hurt). Try not to insist as a deal-breaker that he has to change into someone he's not, or (more subtly) behave in ways he's not capable of. Not sure how long you've been together... deciding that you can't manage an ASD partner I think would be legitimate (as long as you didn't take too long to say it), but producing a list of conditions half of which he can't do wouldn't be.

Yes, there are good things about having an Asperger's partner. The most obvious ones are that he's very unlikely to leave you, and wildly unlikely to tell you something he knows isn't true (that would require his brain to process a contradiction, which it won't be able to do because it isn't wired that way). I would have thought it was almost inconceivable that he could have an affair. To a degree he'll be fairly predictable, though you'll often struggle to know what he's thinking or feeling (you'll have to ask him).

There are some things you may want to avoid (and yes this is experience talking here):

- don't insist that you'll be mad at him if he doesn't understand you - if he doesn't, he doesn't, and getting mad about it won't help, however exasperating it is

- don't alternately tell him that you don't want either of the only two options available, because that will put him into what computer programmers call an infinite loop

- don't complain that he doesn't talk much - he will see talking as a functional thing. People with Asperger's aren't chatty. Tell him what you want to talk about.

- don't drag him to gatherings with lots of people (parties say, or dinner out with six of your friends) and then complain that he melted into the wallpaper and didn't talk ("you hardly said a word all night, that was so rude" etc., etc.). He won't understand how to interact in a group, and it will take him a long time to get comfortable with people he doesn't know.

- getting cross at him about anything won't help (it may make you feel better for all of twenty seconds, but it won't help). I know it's hard, but calm, measured and patient will get you better results.

- don't nag him repeatedly about things he plain flat doesn't agree with you about - it will worry him and make him wonder if you and he are really on the same wavelength.

You will need gargantuan amounts of patience, and there will be times when you have to take three slow deep breaths. But he is likely to be extremely loyal to you, he will probably try very hard to make the relationship work, and if you understand him and he feels it he will appreciate it deeply. Good luck.

[wiserlady in reply to PearCider]

I have been with my aspie partner for more than six years, and had worked out for myself he is an aspie within a month - he has never been OFFICIALLY diagnosed and it would be pointless for him to do that or look into all that stuff. Most of what you say is common sense and some of it is not like my aspie at all. He loves big gatherings, he is very chatty, he would never fade into the wallpaper. But he would talk about the same things over and over again, his various obsessions . You are right about how they would not have an affair. A. because of their loyalty, b because their brain doesnt seem to even process such ideas and c. because he isnt any good at flirting, chatting up, being charming, he would be far too brash and blunt and forthright if he approached someone and they would just walk away.

[PearCider in reply to wiserlady]

You're very lucky he's chatty and loves big gatherings. Believe me. VERY lucky. It sounds as if you and he have thought about whether to seek a diagnosis and decided not to. If you're both happy with that, it's a perfectly valid choice.

[wiserlady in reply to PearCider]

lol. He is 65. A diagnosis would be of no use to him at all. He is a grown man who has owned and run successful businesses for many years. Taking time off of work unpaid to go off for yet another chat with someone hundreds of miles away would simply mean that he ends up with no business or income and far worse problems. We are both agreed that he has aspergers, we dont need the opinion of that third person who probably has achieved far less than him and cannot help him at all. That label is not going to help him but would come at a ridiculously high cost. I dont see it as me being lucky that he is out going and chatty. I wanted to be with him because he is what he is. If he was boring or had some other negative thing then I would have picked a different man or preferred to be single. If the man doesnt have more good things about him than bad things then why be with him: its pointless.