Today I called a bulimia helpline, and spoke to a professional for the first time in 8 years of on-off binging and purging. When the woman picked up the line I couldn't stop talking, it was as if teh floodgates had opened; it was such a relief.
I've had poor self-esteem for most of my life and was bullied in school, lost my father to suicide, had a mother who suffered from an often abusive relationship (which has now improved) had a mentally abusive first partner and overall a fairly shakey start but I absolutely refused to let any of it prevent me from having a successful life-not for myself but for the benefit of others, to make them like me. What i forgot to do was look after myself and find any inner-calm. I cast my mind back to before my illness and it seems like a different life - after I started purging I did the same things, went to festivals and went out etc........but enjoyment always happened through the veil of bulimia. Like I was only half living, what happened around me was happening to me, I was not a part of it. Now, I have spent all of my money on food. I have isolated myself from old friends. And do not have the energy to pursue the life I want to live. Working in a fantastic job, that I love, I feel I cannot fulfil my potential as whenever i get up in a room to speak my heart races with palpitations and i feel like vomiting. I've reached the end of the line, my health us suffering and my career and life will change for the worse. This morning I picked up the phone and spoke and started what will eb a hellish journey. But nothing any of us will face in confronting our problems can compare to the hell we will go through if we don't. One day I'm going to work in politics, and whenever i can I will tell this story for the millions like us who are terrified to pick up that phone. I salute everyone on this site - you are all taking the same stand, and we can do it xxxxx