I have been battling with severe AN for nearly 5 years now and Ana has completely consumed my life the entire time.
Since January 2012 something in me changed. Ana changed. The voice was no longer telling me to eat less and less and to exercise more and more. Instead the voice was telling me to binge and binge and binge.
Since that point on 1st January 2012 I have been completely out of control with my binge eating and I gained 8 stone in 3-4 months In the early days of my weight gain everyone kept telling me I looked so much better for it, and at a BMI of 17-18 I honestly did agree. Now my BMI is up to about 26 and I look hideous. My clothes have gone from a baggy size 4 to a tight size 16. Where my bones used to pertrude out, I now have flab rolls. My face is round, my cheeks are chubby and my stomach has more rolls than a bakery. I am more unhappy than I have ever been before.
Despite my depression and suicidal thoughts (caused by the way I look and feel about my FAT body), I cant seem to stop eating. I would give anything to go back to Ana and return to being tiny, cold, tired and isolated. I know this shouldnt be the case because now I am healthy enough to do sport and socialise, but it's true. Ana was my friend through everything and I feel lost without her.
To all my friends from hospital who are suffering from AN I have to pretend that everything is fine but deep down I am dying inside and I cant cope anymore. I am due to be returning to university in a months time but I cannot go looking the way I do now.
What am I supposed to do? How do I rid myself of this binge eating disorder? How do I lose weight fast without Ana taking over me and resorting back to starvation?
I am scared!