It's been almost 2 months since my ED behaviours started to rear their ugly heads again and I have been feeling very low. I just turned 40 last Saturday and I can't help but think to myself, that I'm too old to still be battling with this. But I know that's not a useful thought, as mental health is not age specific. I only started talking about my 22 year eating disorder last May and it has been a gradual opening up of this secret that I have kept close to me for so long. I feel empowered but scared, proud but ashamed, relieved but resistant to opening it up anymore. The thought of letting go of it really scares me, as what will there be left? How will I cope with the stress once I don't use food. This behaviour pattern is so ingrained in me, and through therapy I have realised that it's been there since such a young age, healthy eating, being slim and fit was such an important part of my upbringing. I have also watched my mum struggle with eating, but we have never spoken about it. Now she is 71 and is still struggling with depression and her relationship with food. It make me so sad to see, but triggers me at the same time.
My current relapse has been linked to my return to the UK after living in Thailand for 3.5 yrs. When I got back in December I had nowhere to live (stayed in my parent's attic), no space for myself, no job. Now I have found myself a place to live and started a Masters 2 weeks ago so am feeling much more settled than I was. So why can't I shake this empty hollow feeling? I cried at my breakfast yesterday, thinking to myself, I should be able to deal with this better by now. I don't want to eat, I will make a meal and then put it in the fridge because I can't face it. It feels so shit. But then my friend called me and we talked, and I told her exactly how I was feeling, and I realised that talking about this is my pathway to recovery. I have the most amazing people in my life, who are willing to support me and listen to it all. They are not judging me or offering advice they just listen, and thats all I really need most of the time, that and some professional help, which I am finally getting now. So to anyone out there who is feeling alone or isolated, if your ED voice is telling you no one understands how you feel, or if your shame stops you from reaching out, do the exact opposite of that. I've found its the best thing to do. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend who you can trust and who you know will help you to feel better. It's saved me so many times, takes me out of that dark head pit and helps me to see a lighter side of life. It helps me to smile again, which is something I want to do more and more. 
