Hello,
I am in recovery after suffering with anorexia for 18 years. I'm finally getting treatment now and am in recovery. I find it so interesting that I have done hours of therapy, understand the root cause of my ED and have a huge awareness of it, but still struggle some days to overcome the intense urge to either starve myself or induce vomiting. Anyone else been in a similar position or have any comments?
I look forward to hearing from you 
Soulrevival
I'm glad to hear u are in recovery. Hang in there, fight on!
Yes, I can totally identify with that uncontrollable drive to starve oneself. Especially when one is deeply entangled. There was no controlling the thing without help.
I didn't have bulimia.
My anorexia stopped by itself. It started as body dysmorphia. But the poor eating habits are practically a life time. And have adversely impacted my health especially as one ages.
I hope u make a good and permanent recovery. 18 years is a long time to be haunted by this devil. Just a reminder to be more vigilant in these covid times.
My heartfelt best wishes to you.
God bless u.
Hi Ling, thank you so much for your kind words, it really does help. I denied it was even a problem for so many years and didn’t think it was bad enough to get help. That seems so silly now. Anyway things are getting better but it’s a long road and then are definitely bumps along the way. I hope you are doing well ☺️
Haha, I was the absolute dumbest and didn't even know I had problems?! What a hoot!
If it helps, don't think of it as a long road. Just a journey u have to take, and to do it in the best state of health u can be in
: )
Yes you're right, that does help, thank you. This is all part of my journey and I believe I am experiencing this so that I can help others to heal too. x
Good for you : )
Hi soulrevival you have done the right thing to chose recovery which means saying goodbye to anorexia aka Ana the trouble is she isnt going to let you go thst easily this is why recovery is so difficult My daughter had anorexia and the only thing that worked for her was reuniting with her Christian faith she found that only praying to Jesus shifted Ana's voice out of her head
HU is a secular community and I am not preaching but just sharing with you what worked for my daughter
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am a yoga teacher and daily meditator and I agree that these spiritual practices are essential for my recovery. I really feel that meditation each morning allows me to reconnect with my true soul self and to listen to what she is saying as well as the universal energy that we are all connected to. But there are some days (like yesterday and the 2 days prior) when it just overwhelms me and I give in to the impulse to purge, or slowly reduce my food intake, convincing myself that I'm not hungry. I am focussing on trying to rewire the neural pathways in my brain, so remove the old patterns of behaviour and make new habits to deal with stress and uncertainty. Once again, thanks for reaching out and I hope your daughter is still doing well.
x
Hi yes my daughter is doing fine but sometimes looks back to what a horrible experience it was she said a few weeks ago that you aren't the same after having Ana , Ana will tell you ( if like crazycrossstitcher and many others you get the anorexic voice) not to tell anyone about her because if you do they will be on your side against Ana esp your family and bc you love your family you will eat for them that's why the Maudsley approach is successful the whole family are against Ana I think this works esp for early intervention and younger people ,
Great you are in recovery - I too am at this stage now - although no vomiting - got that one under control. I have had the problem for over 40 years - and know the root cause - but the habits and the strength of the anorexic voice are now really embedded - life has become anorexia - its really hard and it needs a great deal of effort, work and support to reinvent or relearn how to live again - so keep at it - don't get knocked back - and take every support you can get.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it really helps to know that I'm not alone in these emotions, (which my rational brain knows) but my ED brain wants to me keep it all in and not share. Thats one of the reasons I joined this forum. I still haven't been able to tell may parents about my struggle, although they have an idea its not something I've ever talked to them about. I can't see me doing it anytime soon either. Well done you too for facing this mental illness and being brave. It takes a lot of courage x
I eventually shared with parents and sister - amazingly they reacted well - I was terrified about what they'd say and how they'd react - but once it was out their support has been invaluable - so maybe its worth thinking about.
Yes I have thought about it so many times and would like to eventually. It's not so much their reaction I'm worried about, I just don't want to burden them with it, they already have a lot going on. Its defiantly something to explore with my therapist
Hi- I’m glad you are on your way to recovery. There may be days that you are struggling but I want to encourage you to stay strong. I have a friend who has anxiety, she's taking medication but still there are days that she has panic attacks. She's thankful that she has a life group that she can share her life experiences and receive encouragement.
Writing down your thoughts in your journal can be helpful, it’s like talking to a friend. It's also helpful if you have someone you can trust to share your feelings with or feel free to post here in the group anytime, we are here for you.
Praying for you. God bless. Please keep us posted.
Hello Pink318 and thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It means so much to me know know I'm not alone in this. I have been doing really well but am currently moving house which is stressful and transitional and this uncertainty usually causes my ED brain to switch back on unfortunately. In the past I would have ignored it and gone down the rabbit hole, but now my awareness is so much better. It means I can talk myself around and make a different choice. I am an avid journal writer and have been for the last few years, and agree it helps a lot! Tonight I have eaten dinner and feel good about it. Onwards and upwards
Hi,
That's great that you're in recovery!
I can very much relate to your post. I have also struggled for a long time with ED. It's morphed over the years, but my struggle currently is anorexia however I used to also struggle with binging/purging.
Recovery is so hard! I mostly understand the reasons behind my ED, but still feel stuck. Recovery takes time and set backs are bound to happen. What matters most is that you pick yourself back up and do the next right thing for your recovery.
Hang in there and keep fighting!
Hi,
Thank you of much for your kind words. I think this all feels quite new too me as I only started actually talking about my eating disorder last year at the age of 39. Although it has been with me for many years, it now seems so much more real and I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I have a mental illness which I have never admitted before. Its a lot to process and so finding this site and forum to connect with others in a similar position to me gives me great comfort.
I hope your recovery continues and that you can find peace with this.
Reach out any time :)🥰
Hi, like many of the other commenters I want to congratulate you on pursuing recovery. I understand completely how you feel; I spent many years trying to figure out why I continued to be sick because I wanted so much to get better, and I was convinced that if I could find the root cause it would solve everything. Unfortunately that’s not how I got better. I still have problems and I still have difficult things in my past but I was still able to recover even though those things remain unresolved. For me, I had to start thinking about my ED as a biological, and not solely a psychological, problem. Tabitha Farrar, A recovered person & recovery coach with a YT channel, discusses this theory extensively. Basically the idea is that EDs are triggered by going into long periods of energy deficit—accidentally due to food scarcity, illness, purposefully by going on a diet, etc. The only way to get better is to start eating and not compensating for the eating by over exercising, fasting, or purging. This sounds really scary but if you eat enough and get yourself out of energy deficit things will get better. This also isn’t the typical way EDs are treated, but it really was the only prescription that helped me get and stay in recovery. People genetically predisposed to EDs cannot under eat or go hungry, that is what sparks our struggle. I know this sounds strange, but It might be worth shifting your perspective and getting more information on this viewpoint. It was truly life changing for me.
Yes - your story and recovery journey is similar to mine. I found the work of Tabitha Farrar incredibly helpful. Actually re-wiring your brain is incredibly difficult but it actually works. I’ve been in full recovery for four months and already see a huge difference in my body, mind and spirit. It is so hopeful. Thank you for sharing this also!
Unfortunately I can relate to you. O teyntonrember the tiny steps of achievements and not foucas much on the slip ups... if inrestrict or I'm sick ... as soon as possible I see that I'm like ok sbit let's get the next meal in and go again. I never see it as day by day I go meal by meal. If a bad situation happens I feel the guilt and shit feeling let it pass and start again. You've not gave up if your still trying... keep strong and don't be hard on your self.
Thank you. That is a theme that people keep saying to me at the moment, to stop being so hard on myself. I am trying! I agree that it's taking every meal at a time. I'm trying to be more intuitive and listening to my body when its hungry but it's so tempting to ignore the hunger and enjoy the emptiness instead. I'll get there soon I'm sure, just gotta keep working at it.
Hello soulrevival- I very much resonate with what you wrote above in your inquiry. Feeling ready for recovery and trying to “therapize” the eating disorder away.
No amount of knowing the root causes or triggers helped me in recovery... and sometimes those things made it worse and more of a struggle.
For me, acknowledging the biological roots of the disorder, the brain function and the physiological causes, allowed me to face the fear and retrain my brain to respond differently. For me, realizing that an eating disorder is a mental illness helped me work on the brain chemistry... rather than trying to convince myself (through talk therapy and counseling) that I could get better if I could heal my psychological self.
My story is much longer than that... but recovery is possible.
