I'm new here but have recently had a relapse with anxiety and depression. Initially I found I wanted to eat but with the anxiety I just couldn't face it and felt sick all the time. Now it's two weeks later and my 'bad head' has kicked in and I've started avoiding food on purpose, lying to my partner and throwing food away so I can pretend I've eaten it. I know this will eventually lead to something else, as this way of coping won't work. I've been in recovery before and I understand the way these choices affect my mood and behaviour etc but I can't get out of it and I don't know if I want to feel better, why is that?
I've thought about joining a gym trying to convince myself that the exercise will be good for my mental health but deep down I think I know this is a bad move which is why I haven't been to sign up yet.
I don't even know if I hate or love where I am at the moment but I suppose that's the way addictions work. My 'bad' addictive head is telling me somehow I'm winning at life by making myself ill!