How can I stop the cycle with only self-discipline? (TW)

[legendofzelda]

Hello, my name is Rachel, and I'm new here. I've had some burning questions and concerns with no one to tell them to, so I hope you don't mind the splurge.

As a child, I was morbidly obese, as my mother allowed me to dictate what I wanted to eat whenever I wanted to eat it, since it made me "love" her and want to be in her custody. Since this time, I have lost a great deal of weight -- in 2014 I was around 210 lbs, and my current is ~140. In 2016 (160 lbs in Summer), during Christmas, I started to double-down on disordered eating I had already been developing.

I was in a heavy period of anorexia until early February 2017 and got down to 115 lbs, BMI 19. After spending 2018 miserably trying to recover on my own and instead binging and then purging (exercise at first, but as Thanksgiving to just yesterday I have focused on vomiting more). I am sick of this. I'm blessed with a natural hourglass shape, so I have filled out better than some, but I loathe this weight and my cellulite, and all the things that I know are attributes of someone overweight. I am BMI 24 now, and I miss the discipline I had with food during my anorexia. Bulimia FEELS so much worse, and my heart hurts and I'm short of breath all the time. I just turned 18 and can now (if I find a way) get myself to a healthcare provider, but am not sure when I'd have the time.

I have little friends and my parents have told me to "just stop starving yourself and making yourself throw up", as though I have not already tried this and ultimately wound up binging, purging what I can, and breaking down on the bathroom floor over how much of a pig I've become and how worthless I am because I can't be 115 lbs like I was. I am at a loss. People around me tell me they envy my body and my curves, but I want to be tiny. Due to my loose skin, I have never been able to get rid of my belly even at 115, but at least I didn't feel every bit of fat hanging off of me like a leech on my body.

I'm sorry this is so long, I have not spoken to anyone about this and it's all kind of coming out after years of this. I want to be better. My aspiration is to become a cop once I graduate this year, and I need to be healthy and strong and not have my heart and bones hurt doing basic functions. I need to know how to eat right and force myself to exercise to be strong. I had discipline, but that was during anorexia. I don't know how to eat healthier, heal my body, and lose the weight I have at a slow pace for better performance as a cop and not to be "prettier".

Anything helps. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever struggled with these diseases like I have. Stay safe.

[crazycrossstitcher]

Anorexia/bulimia are illnesses and just like any other illness need treatment - they are not something that you can heal yourself. They are very complicated with many aspects and need counselling alongside medical/dietary help - so the solution is never straight forward and often its really hard to get the help you need. BUT - firstly go to your GP and explain what you are going through - you will need access to an Eating Disorders Service - do this now so that you can begin the process of healing before you embark upon your Police career. Your priority is getting yourself healthy - so do please seek help. ABC have a great helpline and good website - so that's worth looking at too. You are not alone - there are many of us out here suffering alongside you so share your feelings and thoughts as it does help. Making yourself sick is going to cause health issues in the future - so make sure you tell your GP what's going on so that they give you a thorough medical - its important if you are going to get better to tell the whole story - however hard that is. Healing is not a short process and may take you some time - but give it your priority over other things as living with an ED is not the answer and if you want a career in the police you will need to deal with this issue first. Good luck.

[lillyofthevalley37]

You cannot create the intense disalpine that you had when anorexic without the anorexia - you were driven to starve yourself by the anorexia and no doubt it tried to drive you to suicide too so although you had the disipline it was dark and destructive so don't ever wish it back just take one day at a time and accept small successes there will be plenty of steps back but you will get there eventually

[SuZQ154]

First, I am so sorry. And, I understand. I struggled with bulimia for MANY years before I got professional help, so I would encourage you to do this as soon as possible. Christian counseling, OA, Bible studies, and accountability partners have been instrumental in my recovery. You might consider Young Life?? Would any of these be available to you? My eating disorder was a symptom of my lack of feeling loved. My recovery is now grounded in understanding God loves me and no human will ever love me perfectly. It is not easy, but please know there is HOPE! Blessings and prayers to you today!

[Icanhelpyou5]

Hi dear

I feel your pain. I have an hour glass shaped body as well but when I was 15 I didn’t see it as a beautiful blessing. I wanted to be slim like a stick so I began to starve myself and developed anorexia. I also got heart pains which developed into arrhythmia which I have till today (after almost 9 years) but thank God it’s not a dangerous one and I use medication for it. But every day it reminds me of the damage I did to my body back then and it also prevents me from doing it again. I am healthy and well now, slim and muscular by healthy food and exercise. Those are the only things you need to get a great body and to be disciplined. If I were you, I would try to get myself a personal trainer to make a good exercise plan for my body type and I’d meet a food therapist to help me with my diet and I’d also see a psychologist to help me and support me mentally. I know all these things cost money and time but your health is paramount now. Help yourself before it’s too late. Always feel free to talk and ask for help ❤️

Love, Maria