Hello, my name is Rachel, and I'm new here. I've had some burning questions and concerns with no one to tell them to, so I hope you don't mind the splurge.
As a child, I was morbidly obese, as my mother allowed me to dictate what I wanted to eat whenever I wanted to eat it, since it made me "love" her and want to be in her custody. Since this time, I have lost a great deal of weight -- in 2014 I was around 210 lbs, and my current is ~140. In 2016 (160 lbs in Summer), during Christmas, I started to double-down on disordered eating I had already been developing.
I was in a heavy period of anorexia until early February 2017 and got down to 115 lbs, BMI 19. After spending 2018 miserably trying to recover on my own and instead binging and then purging (exercise at first, but as Thanksgiving to just yesterday I have focused on vomiting more). I am sick of this. I'm blessed with a natural hourglass shape, so I have filled out better than some, but I loathe this weight and my cellulite, and all the things that I know are attributes of someone overweight. I am BMI 24 now, and I miss the discipline I had with food during my anorexia. Bulimia FEELS so much worse, and my heart hurts and I'm short of breath all the time. I just turned 18 and can now (if I find a way) get myself to a healthcare provider, but am not sure when I'd have the time.
I have little friends and my parents have told me to "just stop starving yourself and making yourself throw up", as though I have not already tried this and ultimately wound up binging, purging what I can, and breaking down on the bathroom floor over how much of a pig I've become and how worthless I am because I can't be 115 lbs like I was. I am at a loss. People around me tell me they envy my body and my curves, but I want to be tiny. Due to my loose skin, I have never been able to get rid of my belly even at 115, but at least I didn't feel every bit of fat hanging off of me like a leech on my body.
I'm sorry this is so long, I have not spoken to anyone about this and it's all kind of coming out after years of this. I want to be better. My aspiration is to become a cop once I graduate this year, and I need to be healthy and strong and not have my heart and bones hurt doing basic functions. I need to know how to eat right and force myself to exercise to be strong. I had discipline, but that was during anorexia. I don't know how to eat healthier, heal my body, and lose the weight I have at a slow pace for better performance as a cop and not to be "prettier".
Anything helps. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever struggled with these diseases like I have. Stay safe.