Just having a bit of a strange few weeks. As I have said in previous posts I'm not absolutely certain I am ready to get help for my eating disorder. I know I am unwell, and I have been since I was young but for some reason I don't seem to mind being this way. I feel proud of what I'm doing in some sad, twisted way and especially since my life is such an active one, maintaining it all with very little fuel seems to be driving my loyalty towards not eating. I sit here now with a burning throat as I've just purged but I'm not bothered by the pain, it will go. Does anyone else feel like this towards their disorder? I feel like I have to protect it, which I know is an absurd thing to say when I try to think of it rationally... but I kind of feel like I have grown up with it and that it is who I am. Kind of an acceptance in a way, I've accepted that I'm not well and just get on with life regardless. I know that I'm unhealthy, I've been feeling the side effects as I've got older which is why I've been thinking about pursuing recovery in the first place, but every time I think about trying to eat normally I think of the stress that it will cause me and just think I'm better off as I am. I've survived this long, why change? Am I being incredibly stubborn or are these 'normal' disordered thoughts? I seem to have a child voice in me that says everything is fine and you can live a long life this way, and a grown up voice that's telling me I'll probably die if this goes on much longer. How can I kick those thoughts aside?!