Why dont I mind being this ill?

Just having a bit of a strange few weeks. As I have said in previous posts I'm not absolutely certain I am ready to get help for my eating disorder. I know I am unwell, and I have been since I was young but for some reason I don't seem to mind being this way. I feel proud of what I'm doing in some sad, twisted way and especially since my life is such an active one, maintaining it all with very little fuel seems to be driving my loyalty towards not eating. I sit here now with a burning throat as I've just purged but I'm not bothered by the pain, it will go. Does anyone else feel like this towards their disorder? I feel like I have to protect it, which I know is an absurd thing to say when I try to think of it rationally... but I kind of feel like I have grown up with it and that it is who I am. Kind of an acceptance in a way, I've accepted that I'm not well and just get on with life regardless. I know that I'm unhealthy, I've been feeling the side effects as I've got older which is why I've been thinking about pursuing recovery in the first place, but every time I think about trying to eat normally I think of the stress that it will cause me and just think I'm better off as I am. I've survived this long, why change? Am I being incredibly stubborn or are these 'normal' disordered thoughts? I seem to have a child voice in me that says everything is fine and you can live a long life this way, and a grown up voice that's telling me I'll probably die if this goes on much longer. How can I kick those thoughts aside?!

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  • Shamble30, you sound just like my daughter who has been anorexic for 8 years. She says that she knows no other life. Oh there are times she feels the loneliness in having an eating disorder, the comments on facebook "eat something" and the disappointment in some, of always being sick. It is an acceptance but accepting the wrong way of life.

    The side effects of going through life like this is like playing Russian Roulette. When will the next organ fail, when will her heart give out. Each and every time she feels blackness come over her, too weak to walk, shortness of breath, go from the bed to the couch, she briefly gets worried but never enough to seek help through counseling or calling the paramedics.

    A lot of the inner frustration and anger of how she feels goes on me, causing my anxiety at one time to soar. Now I've learned to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.

    The doctor's warnings of a shortened life go upon deaf ears. I don't know what the answer is for someone who won't seek help. I've only experienced it second hand and that has been enough to make me spiral downward. Whatever got hold of her mind, won't let go. It's a sad, sad thing to witness.

    I'm sure you will receive some responses from others who are experiencing this first hand and can truly understand the emotional aspect of dealing with an ED. I wish you my best from the bottom of my heart. xx

  • Thank you for such a heartfelt response.. I hope your daughter finds the strength to get the help she needs. I am not a mother so I can't imagine the worry you must be feeling, something else I guess I've never considered is what this is doing to the people close to me, watching me starve. Thank you for a different insight, I think we can be a little selfish sometimes. I hope you and your daughter get through this xx

  • you need to get help - these thoughts come from the ED - which is extremely powerful and tells you all is OK when everything is far from OK. You recognise that your health is suffering and that things are not OK - so please do not leave it like this - go to your GP as ask for a referral to an ED specialist - visit the ABC website/helpline - but please don't think its all going to be OK - or that just because others have thoughts like yours that that makes them right - like all illnesses - they have symptoms and that is just what you are showing - so get some treatment.

  • Thank you for replying. I think my biggest fear is that I don't think I am extreme enough to be taken seriously by a doctor. I will eat high calorie foods like chocolate and crisps and I drink a lot of alcohol. I have an extremely active life which is why I rely on sugary things to get me through, but I will purge any 'proper' food and any time I feel full. I weigh 8st, at 5'7'' and my energy levels on the whole are pretty good I just have dips now and then. I started to diet in school, was 16 when I started to make myself sick and I am 30 now, it all just seems so natural to me living like this and I can't imagine any other way of doing things. I'm in such a pickle I don't even know why I am considering recovery really when I feel so content being like this. Maybe I am just growing up a bit I don't know. Its hard xx

  • From experience your health will begin to suffer with the purging - and EDs have a way of persuading you that everything is best as it is - remember it is in control - you are not - it is also an illness which needs treatment - you are describing the symptoms - so do go to your GP and however hard be honest about the issues - its not about weight - its about your relationship with food - so do seek help asap.

  • I think what you feel is not unusual, but it’s the hold the ed has in you(and me)It’s easier to carry on than it is to go through the emotions required to recover. I think it’s a bit like trying to recover from drug or alcohol addiction, except that unfortunately food is not something we can abstain from! Try to get some help... if you are lucky enough to get help please take it and try to recover. in the long term I recon your life will be so much better without it. Good luck! X

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