Hi I am new here. I feel so unwell,so weak,so cold,so done in. I know this is serious but just can't stop not eating. It started about May time when my depression kicked in really bad again after 3 years of being relatively OK,happy even. I didn't have an appetite at all and hardly ate up until my admission to hospital in June where I was diagnosed with severe depression and also physical exhaustion with highly elevated cortisol levels. I was beat,totally done in. On admission I was almost 12/stone ,fat and muscley if there is such a word ? I was rather mortified as hated being fat and struggled with body image and food for most of my life... Anyway I still didn't have hardly any appetite and figured oh well I will lose some of this disgusting blubber. So didn't bother with food much at all whilst in there.When discharged I still wasn't overly hungry so would eat fruit mainly, occasionally some weetabix. At first I didn't weigh myself but when I started I got so furious,disgusted and disappointed in myself if the scales didn't move( which they didn't at first). So I exercised more,started eating three nectarines s day, occasionally I would succumb to some ice cream but felt so worthless and gulity after it...well you know how it goes I guess. Almost six months later and I am mainly fizzy water, occasionally squash...for a month now. I don't feel like I can go on much longer. The rational part of me knows I need to start to eat but I can't , the fear of putting all this fat back on and all that weight, horrifies me more and that fear wins hands down. I feel so awful and so guilty about my sons( I take them on holiday tomorrow and somehow have to get through it feeling like this) I plucked up the courage in desperation and called some helplines.... Ffs closed on a week end. I know I won't call again. So in trouble....sorry for long post guys but so glad to be here and get it all out finally
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